my dreamland, my own

yessss... I'm a dreamer.

I just loooove to dream...

whenever people telling me long, boring stories

in a boring meeting

in a boring presentation

while walking

while driving

while sleeping...

I just love it.
I dream about...
fashion...alwaysss thinking of themes and styles that I'd love and like to try on
couture...owning couturiere stuff, and shopping at like, Saks Fifth Avenue like nobody's business
interior design...like how to decorate my car/room/house or even designing my own future dream house!
travel...to other places, meeting cute guys in snow..hahaha
fantasy...like having wings, i love black feathery ones, kinda like a dark angel, and flying around

and the other dreams, like
revenge....crushing the face of someone I hate, pushing them off cliffs, or setting a hungry vicious Rottweiler on them, errr...dont get me started
people make over...like imagining the people in front of me with different styles and clothes, what should be changed, what should not be worn in public eye etc.
crazyyy...like, if i was stuck in a situation that i'd really like to get out of...i started to dream that if I could, I would be a transforming werewolf...like i would be all like, "i dont wanna change", "someone stop me!" but...there nothing anyone can do, and i keep transforming, claws growing out of my nails, fangs popping out my teeth, i'd get all furry and fury, trashing around, destroying all the things in the midst, glass shattered, walls rumbling down, floor shaking, people running and screaming around, maybe i could catch someone or two (maybe that boring person who made me start daydreaming, or someone i dislike)....... oh yeah, that was fun, wasnt it?!!


so yeah, when life gets hard, I love to run away to my dreams land, where everything is just right!

Eclipse watch @ 10/12/11

hum...just wanna write about the yesterday's lunar eclipse.
TOTALLY amazing!!
My friend, kunnoe, invited me to come with some nature lovers to a place to watch the eclipse.
its really fun because they have all these fancy telescope.
like, I could totally see the crates on the moon! Just lovely.

Oh, and the place was quite far from Miri, about 30mins drive. at first I was kinda like, apprehensive, because its a long ride on a dark, lonely road. but the view was totally worth it!
its kinda like at a cliff overseeing a beach.
the beach was awesome! the waves were crashing on the sand violently, the wind was magnificent, we were bathed by the pure moon light.
i think its one of the most beautiful views everrrr!

this is jupiter! my 1st time seeing it~ hello, jupiter!

my bff, Kunnoe...thanks for the great time! :)

Etiquettology of borrowing

I would like to believe that common courtesy is the primary rule of harmonious living.
I would like to believe that it still exists.

I am very particular about my stuff, my belongings. I'd like to be owning them with happiness inside my personal space.
Therefore, I really, REALLY hate it! when people borrow aka use my stuff without my permission. You'd think "eh, logically speaking, they should ask before they borrow something"
But yeah, logic doesnt really co-exist all the time with the thing named human.

Like,
I hated it when my sisters borrow my clothes
I hated it when my housemate used my bedroom to sleep in when her family came
I hated it when I wanted to wear some shoes, then, oh, somebody borrowed it
I hated it when people use my car.
without asking me first.

I'm so sorry, I love you guys to bits, but this is really my pet peeve, and its really annoying. But I find it hard to tell logically thinking people, "hey, I found out you worn my shirt the other day. why didnt you ask first?". and when my housemate told me "hey, I used your room to sleep in the other day, because my family came and they slept in my bedroom. and thank god, you forgot to lock your door, or I couldnt have taken advantage of your forgettery stupid brain" oh well, she didnt really say that, but really, I felt like I have been used like a nobody without any respect. and I really hate conflicts..and sometimes I just let it be but my heart was raging with wrath.

Its not like I'm possessive or stingy with my belongings. I dont mind lending my clothes, my room, my shoes, my car to someone, but, like, HELLO, its COMMON COURTESY to ASK FIRST! I'd love to think that, once I own something, I would have the luxury to use it whenever I want, without figuring out that I cant use it because someone has used it without telling me first. and most important and the biggest deal of all, its a sign of RESPECT towards me. respect that you acknowledged me as the owner, respect that you know I'll be nice enough to let you use my things, respect towards anything I own, that I have put my best efforts in choosing or taking care of. Please, RESPECT ME.


Its kinda hard sometimes, because I usually arrange my outfit with a holistic approach. and if I cant wear THE shoes, I have to re-arrange the whole ensemble. I dont mean to sound so vain, but its just me.

Anywaysssss....asking permission, just say, "can I, please?" (yes, I really love it when people care about the P's and Q's)
Am I too scary to ask from? (FYI, I dont bite. really.)
Is it too much to ask??

yesss...its common sense...I've written a blog about it here, but thats a different story I guess :P

all eyes on me

errr...nah, not in a good way, actually.
well, I just joined the anaest department for my 5th posting.
I've done paeds, ObGyn, ortho, surgery.
Now, anaest, then medical to finish off my housemanship.

today's the 7th day of anaest posting.
hum...its kinda different for me. because its not like other ward-orientated work I've done before. now, works are mostly done in the OT... n there are loads of procedures; premeds, drugs to dilute, then to the anaest stuff like spinal/general anaesthesia etc etc.

I hate the drugs part. I'm not used to diluting drugs and all that. the staff nurses do that in the ward. and my math is not that good, like I can't really count that fast in my head, like the doses and stuff. and loads of pharmacology crap load.

and I have to learn how to use the ventilator machine thingy, and the monitoring screen which has like thousands of numbers and grafts of the patient's vitals and ventilation setting thing. and physiology of breathing and all that also.

and all the other stuff like helping to set up the patients, and running around taking stuff...making sure everything is ready for the patient and the next patient.

 and sometimes i got told off for just standing there, or standing where im not supposed to. like, forgive meeeee, i have not done this before.

dont get me wrong, I like some of the people in the new department, especially the anaesthetists, they were really cool and calm. and also, of course, wherever you go, there will be just some people who will step on you or irritate you, well, just someone who's not your cup of tea.

I really hate it when people are just looking at other people's mistakes, and not appreciating the improvements in your progress or your learning curve. so yeah, at first, I feel like its a motivation, like I need to do better and prove to them that I'm good. but time and time again, I would get shut off and shoved some more, its just really tiring to keep the optimism. I just dont wanna give a damn about other people. I'm gonna do everything for ME. not going to make other people happy. I will do it just for ME and for MY own satisfaction. everything else is freaking WHATEVER!

so yeah, I've been working from 7am-10pm for a week now. its freaking exhausting. how can they expect me to memorize the drugs doses and dilutions, and all the pharmacology stuff when my brain is fried? I honestly have doubts about this posting.

exhausted

gonna sleep in a while, so i'll just update this real quick.
its just im so exhausted. i've been working (tagging) at anaest department for 5 days....working from 7am-10pm..so frreaking' tiring.

dont have time to study, but there are loads to learn. i feel like my brain is getting sluggish and lazy.
im just gonna sleep now.
good nite.

I miss my real bed

just got back from Mukah trip home.  I had a really nice time with my family and the not so quite developing town. I love being back home. I feel refreshed and away from the hospital stress.

Sometimes I do have questions like, is this the life that I want? Is the level of stress worth for my level of passion towards medicine? I mean, I love all the science and all that...its the people that make things complicated most of the time. Hm...I sound like Dr. House..haha!

Dont get me wrong, I dont have anything against medicine. I am totally not forced to becoming a doctor. Maybe I was indoctrinated a bit by my family since little (watch Asian F in Glee)..haha..but I dunno, I guess I love it sometimes. But I know I'm more to artsy kinda person. I love it when I designed things, I love to show my personality, my emotions, my expressions in art, like fashion, or interior design and all that. I just dont have much basic or stepping stone to really develop all that.

Anyways, I'd always miss my home. I want to change it coz its old, and its been built poorly by bloodsucker contractors that used my parents money for other things.

So, I'm gonna sleep in my Miri bed tonight. I miss my old bed~

show n tell

I'm bored, so im just gonna write about the surgical night last week.
we had fun, singing, dancing.
and im kinda proud of my outfit.

the theme of the night was "Bling Bling" and since i cant find any decent sequined dress without looking cheap, i decided to implement a bit of rock in my outfit. yup, but since i wear tudung, i wouldnt wanna look like im lost in a Kiss concert.

so, its a studded black shirt, on which i sew on some chains. n i wear a shawl and i clipped on some chains as well. then i wore a plain simple black jeans with black shoes. i love the feeling of the chains behind my back. kinda cool the way they sway XD

Miri Sushi King Sucks!

Yup, the service sucks so effing hard.
Last time, I went there just to order some takeaway sushi, but waited for like 15 minutes and all the waiters/waitresses still didn't even bother to apologize or just explained they're gonna be late because they're swamped or something. You know... like common courtesy and stuff. Yup, and when I called to them politely, they will just either ignore me or replied like, "one second!" with a sour face or rolling eyeballs.

Of course, I stormed out of it because I just can't stand slowpokes/rude people/bad services.

Then, my family wanted to eat there, so I thought I'd give it a second chance?
And I was still disappointed. We waited for about 1/2 hour to be seated, and we called 4 waitresses who just ignored us. There were dirty tables everywhere and we couldn't have a seat. Aaand, they have guts to say "arigato gozaimasu" when we stormed out of that stupid place. What in the effing hell should I be thankful about for such crappy service??

So, in the end...we just left and had our dinner next door at Secret Recipe. At least we're seated and attended to immediately after we entered the restaurant.

SO yeah, peeps... Miri Sushi King service sucks like hell! The WORST ever! Dont even gooo there if you dont want to lose your sanity!!! Stay away from it, for god's sake!!!!!!

Yes, I hate it that much. Please don't support Miri Sushi King. Arigato gozaimasu!

post-Raya

its more than halfway through Syawal, and man...I miss my raya celebrations so much!
being with my beloved family at my beloved house and kampung. its a really nice feeling.

our Raya was really meriah. this year we changed the paint, the curtains and the sofa. so its quite a refreshing change. and I was proud to say that I did contribute a lot on the color and arrangement selections :P. I really love designs.

though, our beloved tailor couldnt finish all of our raya outfits (curses!), and I have to make do with premade clothes and last years. but I still rock them! :P

and I love the food, mostly, even though they're SUPER fattening! Raya was an exception I guess.

so yeah, I love my raya, and cant wait for the next year's! XD

my beloved family XOXO

Malang tidak berbau

I woke up this morning, thinking yesterday was all a bad dream, that I shouldn't be waking up at my Miri home, when I should've arrived at Mukah yesterday. but I can still see the event clearly.

It was a nice, sunny day. Well, it all happened when my family (mom, dad, ida) drove in our Kembara to Miri to pick me up. we were happily started driving back to Mukah, around 2pm. We put some Raya songs on the player, and I was wearing my beloved Gucci shades. We snapped some photos with my new digicam. We chatted happily. It was all happy and dandy. then it started raining. and driving through Sarawak roads is already a challenge itself without adding the rain factor. then around 3.30pm, it happened. the worst 5 seconds of our day! there was a motorcyclist riding in front of our car, when he wanted to make a turn, our car slowed down and tried to brake, but the slippery road kinda cancelled out the brake. it was crazy! it happened so fast! I was at the passenger's seat, and I saw everything, the moment our car hit the motorcycle, the impact, the motorcyclist being thrown back to the windshield in front of my face, then thrown to the side! we stopped the car, and I ran in the rain towards the man. he was lying face down in a dry ditch beside the road, not moving. and the scary part is when my dad, who's usually keep a cool head, had a look on his face and said out loud, "oh no, there wont be any Raya for us this year"

the villagers all started coming towards the accident site. women were crying and screaming. the men were yelling, some angry at us, some concerned about the man. my dad tried to explain, but some remained angry, accusing us of carelessness. then the ketua kampung came, and there was some talking and then the crowd calmed down a bit. it was crazy! I was concerned about whether the man was still alive or not, when I heard another villager said "you're gonna pay for all the damage to the motorcycle!"

I saw him breathing and there's no blood anywhere. Ok, I thought, he's alive, but I couldn't rule out any spine or head trauma. or he could have intraabdominal injury and internally bleeding. about 1 minute later, the man kinda woke up and sit up by himself. the ditch was pretty shallow, so I jumped into the ditch. he was alert and orientated. he denied any loss of consciousness, headache and all that. he said he's breathing fine and there was no pain other than at his left shoulder. i could breathe easier at the moment. then we helped him up and brought him to the nearest clinic, where I assessed him more, and from the look of it, he just sustained some bruises and abrasions at the left shoulder and left back. then I escorted him to Miri Hospital in an ambulance (its my first time being in an ambulance!). In the clinic and ambulance, we talked, and he's a nice man who didn't even blame us about the accident, and just thankful that everyone's ok. met my MOs in A&E, who examined him further. Xray was clear. patient was discharged home with some analgesics.

Our car was a wreck, I think the battery's gone coz we cant even start the car. so we went home to my Miri house and settled everything. Its very sad that I'm still stuck here when tomorrow's Raya. the aftermath of the accident is still felt among my family members. lots of "what if"s and "I wish I didnt"s. but I guess what happened, happened. and we just have to be positive about it and just grateful the god allows us to breathe in this world still.

well, Happy Hari Raya to all! Hope this Raya brings us all happiness, and drive safely!
XOXO

retail overdose

I swear shopping is my absolut drug.

I went out to buy this:

I came back with these:

 

and this isn't my worst case yet.

well, of course, the shoes are essential for my work, since I've been using the same shoes for like months now..and I HAVE to update my wardrobe, and the Elle watch is just SOOO lovely, its a really good investment.

I swear I had to literally hold my tongue from saying "I'll take the hot pink VAIO netbook too!!!" Its soooo tempting though, I might get it some other time, since I need some netbook for me to carry around.

Although, I really hate the way the collections of shoes and clothes in Miri shopping complexes ALWAYS stay the same! snore! and the salesgirls are SO effing rude, mostly, and I had fun messing the folded clothes just to get my revenge!! :P

Anyways, I have had my happy moment today~ and I love my new digicam!! *happy*

birthday and anniversary~

20th July~
My anniversary: 1 year being a houseman in Miri Hospital~

1st posting: Paediatrics
OMG, its really hard to adapt to the hospital system. A change from a mere medical student to a working houseman, is a HUGE change! All the heavy weight of responsibilities towards your patients, responsibilities towards yourself to improve your knowledge and skills. I remembered being kinda depressed and all, and of course, the thought of quitting comes once in a while. There is always something that will "kill" you; a patient, a nurse, a fellow houseman, an MO, a specialist. But, its all a learning process. It is hard at first, adapting to the wild environment. Patients always come first, no matter what. Sometimes we went without food or water, even time for wash room, just for the patients. We work 24/7.. and weekends off and leaves are SOOOO precious!
I guess, chanting "what doesn't kill you make you stronger" will help sometimes. lol

"Meredith Grey : I can't think of a single reason why I should be a surgeon, but I can think of a thousand reasons why I should quit. They make it hard on purpose... there are lives in our hands. There comes a moment when it's more than just a game, and you either take that step forward or turn around and walk away. I could quit but here's the thing, I love the playing field" 

3nd posting: ObGyn
OMG! One of the busiest posting EVER! and its really scary, because we always dunno whats really going on in the womb of a mother. When a CTG goes bad, or a mother has PV bleed, its a scary experience. But, the nurses and my colleagues, also the bosses are mostly helpful, so its quite a fun posting for me, despite it being the infamously the busiest posting ever!

3rd posting: Orthopaedics
Its kinda okay for me. Its quite relaxing at times, but it can get REALLY busy too (like a massive road traffic accidents). I don't really like this posting, to be honest. Maybe I'm not interested in ortho. And, since its, kinda like conquered by males, there are loads of dirty jokes and all that, sometimes they got really ugly. lol...anyway, I love most of my colleagues HOs there, we went through quite a lot, being supportive of each other and all that...and the nurses are super nice. We're like Best Bitches Forever. God, I love bitching with them!  lol..but I'm really glad I've successfully done with this posting.

4th posting: Surgery
Okay, its just 1 week since I've joined surgical department. Its quite fun. Things are really organized. The bosses are super nice. And I love learning all the medical stuff... I really love it here..and I hope it will stay pleasant! :)

and its my 25th birthday on the 21st July!

OMG, I'm 25! but nothing special though~ Just feeling content and grateful for this 25 years...hope all the years ahead of me will bring me good stuff and hopefully I will continue to improve myself and all that.

home home

Just got back from the really needed 1 week leave! I went back to home in Mukah.. I've really missed my home and family!

Anyway, I've been so stressed and depressed. All the negative things are really taking their toll on my life! I hate the demoralizing moments, all the days spent feeling useless and under-appreciated. All the fun from learning sucked out of our souls. All the superiority-inferiority-complex tearing us apart. All the bitchiness scarring our hearts. I hate all the moments when I dreaded EVERY single day. when everything gave me the reason to hate waking up in the mornings. the things they said, done, not-said-but-said-behind-us. Just..everything..that made me hate life! I hated everything. I hate seeing their faces, I hate listening to their talks, I hate looking at their pretentious act! God knows how much I hate them! I can't help but feel glad that everything's over. Nothing can be worse than that... lol, I hope!

So, I'm really thankful for the leave. meeting with my family's really refreshing, and I just love relaxing at home. Aya, my lovely niece, is getting cuter! though, she's really naughty too..So, I love playing with her, but she kinda reminds me that I'm not ready for kids! lol

and tomorrow, new beginning! I'll be starting in Surgical department of Miri Hospital, and tomorrow's the 1 year anniversary of me being a houseman! 1 year of housemanship in Miri hospital. Hope I can have strength to finish the other year of my housemanship~

I Miss netball!!

I played netball last Saturday... Its been like..1 year plus since I last played.

It was kinda fun...though I kinda lost my touch a bit.

And, we lost! *sob sob* Only managed to get the 4th place.

And I'm honestly a sore loser.

I just love to win. Like, who doesn't???

I don't give a damn about "kalah menang adat perlawanan"

I just love to win.

Unfortunately, we didn't... my heart broke into several pieces..

lol, anywhoooooo.... I really miss my old netball team.

A team where everyone knows everyone's moves, and the game is just smooth and fun.

Oh well, I now just wanna play more netball! Its really nostalgic! >.<

Negativo

Humm...I don't understand people who's very negative! Like, people who are really judgmental, and love bitching maybe a little bit tooooo much!

okay, like, simple and usual example.
you work your ass off, EVERY single day, also covering for Sir Kissass-a-lot who has not been doing anything, but could get away with it, well, because, you know what.
then one day, you come late because you had to poop, because you have food poisoning really bad.
and your coworkers would be like

A: omg, that lazy son of a bitch, he ALWAYS takes any chance to not do work!
(then bitches B, C and D get reaaaally excited once a target is acquired!! they're practically lactating from all the hormonal and emotional imbalances)

B: OMG, A, seriously!! he NEVER does ANY work AT ALL. You know lah kan, he's from Kampung Oren. The people there are ALL lazy
(usage of totally unrelated and bias statement)

C:  I KNOW he's sitting around, drinking coffee at some kedai mamak. CONFIRMED!!
(usage of a totally presumptuous fiction)

D: org gemuk mcm tu, of coz la berak banyak!
(this one is just to bitch the bitchee's character)

etc. etc.

God! I really can't stand those kind of bitches. Who are overly negative the sight of their faces trigger the nausea part of your brain! And their eyes and ears are like scanners to detect any available target to bitch about.

I love bitching, but I don't look for any reason to. If I bump into someone that has given me the reason to bitch, I'll bitch. Otherwise, I like to remain happy and free and positive.

near death

okay, that may be too much...

but..just now, I had an episode, where my head went spinning 360 degrees in slow motion...like whooooo~~~ (wooooozyyy!!)
its a really weird feeling, since I've never ever fainted in my whole life (well, except when I nearly had a syncope attack when I was in a marching competition in high school :P)
It may be hypoglycemia, since I haven't eaten since lunch because I spent my lunch hour napping... or dehydration...or I think it mostly caused by sleep deprivation, since we spend most of our night in the OT when I was oncall last night.

then...it kinda made me wonder, what if this is how people feel when they're near to death?
what if we faint and never get to get up again??
like, it happens out of a sudden, without any warning

gosh, its scary to like, die.. without any warning
and like, alone
and like, not ready
AT ALL

okay, I'm not really a pious person... sometimes I miss my solat, I bitch about people, I lie, I make my parents angry, I make people angry etc etc.
so yeah, thats why its understandable to be scared of death, because we're not well prepared to meet our Creator.
kinda like having exam scares, because we're not prepared to meet the lecturers.

so, its kinda like a wake up call to me. I have to appreciate life more, and be closer to God as much as I can. because even though we're scientists, we need faith to be spiritually healthy as well, to be healthy as a wholesome individual.

so yeah, I'll be good. I wanna be better!

errr....and good night, I need some sleep now

play pretend

when you've given up on making things actually better.
the other alternative, shut down your emotions
and play pretend :P

btw, my main distraction of my stress now is I'm gonna redecorate my bedroom.
Its a REAALLY messy place right now, just because I don't feel like tidying it up. Hee...mom's gonna flip if she saw the state of my room right now :P
But, seriously, I wanna turn it into my sanctuary, relaxing, soothing, and totally ME! ME! ME!


Step 1: change curtain (plan on Saturday)
ideas:
1. white curtain with black lace
2. black curtain
3. black and white damask curtain (seems like impossible to find this pattern though!! argh!)

alright, one step at a time..can't wait!!!

The dark side

lately I feel so demotivated
like, I don't feel happy most of the time
I'm angry, I'm upset, I'm sick of everything
I'm anhedonic, I don't even feel like shopping.

I keep on asking, where does everything go wrong?
Is it him? Is it her? Is it them? Is it ME?
am I the source of my own happiness?
What do I do wrong? I keep on trying and trying, but all "it" sees is mistakes.
No appreciation. I feel like shit.

What is my purpose? What's the reason to live? What's the reason to wake up in the morning?
Why am I unhappy? What should I do?
Confront my enemies? That would make things worse
Keep on thinking of angry thoughts and revenge? That would kill my mind, slowly and deadly
Distractions? That would not cure the cause
Solving the problem? err....can I really solve it? because my solution would be rejected
Walk away? I'd love to. But it wouldn't solve anything, besides, it would make "it" happy that "it" had beaten me. so I wouldn't want that.

So, I really dunno what to do.
Reward myself? Can I feel the relief? Its just like adding some delicious cream on top of a crappy tasting cake.
Punish myself? Can I feel the redemption? Will my pain relief my suffering, or just another distraction from the real problem?

And why do people always generalize? stereotyping? being bias? I hate to be punished from generalization, not because of my own mistakes. "It" makes assumptions. Talk behind my back. Have "it" ever asked me why? The reasons behind my actions? Oh, I forgot... "it" doesn't have the capacity to accept rationalizations from someone "it" hates. "It's" emotions pollute "it:s reasoning, therefore "it" wouldn't be able to think that what I said is honest and sincere from my heart, without any intention of being aggressive and destructive.

So much for a 21st century community. I can really feel my mind and soul are slowly decaying.

God, only you are the source of my strength. Without you, I'd definitely had gone off somewhere bad.
Please gimme something that can make me feel more alive. Maybe make me grow some wings so I can just fly away and feel FREE!

Gimme something... that can make me feel.... INNER PEACE!

P.S. I really miss my family and BFFs! you guys are my life! XOXO

Gimme some time

when I fell down....
Please allow me some time to cry, to be sad, to dwell in my sorrow
Please allow me some time to lick my wounds
Please allow me some time to heal

Before I pick myself up

Human make mistakes, but is the mistakes all you can see?

road less taken!

today I took my last dose of Augmentin, which is really great, because I, like other normal people, kinda hate taking pills, especially in my OCD state, I had to follow the time and all that. So, its been a week since I was awfully sick! I love being well again!

Anyway, last weekend, I went to Bintulu for my friend's wedding! I had to drive alone to Bintulu, which would take ~2 1/2 - 3 hours of drive..its kinda scary at first, but when I started driving, I had sooo much fun! Its mildly enlightening, with the sceneries, and my repeated CD play.  besides, I took the "old" road, which has less drivers, but the road is quite bumpy and all..but the journey is the most important thing..thats why I love, the road less taken.

beginning of the journey!

okay, I totally slow down to get all the pics! pls dont do this anywhere! :P

me with the bride! posing gitewww~

anyways, we went to the wedding (congrats to Kunnoe for the wedding!!!), and the fun time was when I met some of my high school friends! and I stayed at Yan's house (thanks Yan for the awesome stay and cute cats!!)

so now, hurm.....back to work... errr...why do I kinda always dislike my job? I need some soul searching to do... haha

state of glum

I'm sick and alone... its so depressing
I wanna eat but I lost my appetite
I wanna read but my head's all haywired
I wanna go home, but I'm stuck here

seriously, people said its easy to find friends to laugh with, but friends to cry/whine/bitch with, they're so rare and invaluable. some people are kinda like "blah blah blah, u whine so much and feelings are for looooosers! forget about the worries, we're here to have fun! hahahahahahaha"
and im not saying that we should cry/whine/bitch all the time like the emo people..there has to be a balance in everything!
therefore, I'm not an expressive person in general. I only chose to disclose my feelings to people who're close and precious to me..and heck, I miss them all very much in this dire time.

homesick

I have URTI 1 week ago...but just started having fever since yesterday..

n yesterday, the ortho department organized a futsal game, which I joined too, despite being oncall (passive). needless to say, since I'm fully living a sedentary lifestyle, the game seriously beat me. well, its kinda fun during the game (though my stamina's totally zero, and my aim sucks real bad), we laughed and had a great time..it was FUN!

then I went back to hospital, straightaway went to OT for a wound debridement, at that time, I still feel kinda well coz of all the endorphines.

then I slept..and when I woke up, I hurt like, EVERYWHERE! and my fever got worse coz I slept in a room thats too cold. god, its really killing me...since I have chills and rigors since this evening and every movement is excruciating!!!

and I'm all alone coz my housemate is oncall... I really miss my family...someone to take care of me when I'm sick..huhu..

I wish I'll be better tomorrow, because taking a sick leave would mean deducting it from my 8days/4 months leave..*sigh*

God, please heal me..

hear me, please?

I hate to get pulled in a discussion in which every opinions I have is rejected.
Like, when I tried my best to answer some questions, everything I said is brushed off.
Kinda makes me feel like stupid, and yeah, pretty useless in that group.
Err...I don't get it..why bother asking people to be active in a discussion when you couldn't even listen to other people's opinions?
Like, its a discussion, for God's sake...for people changing "opinions", in case you dunno what that means, it means people's point of view, which may not be a fact, it can be right or wrong.

maybe in their head, I seem to be not knowing about anything... but in my point of view, they are just narrow-minded people, who have 1950's brains.

Urgh..its just NO fun, getting dragged in a discussion with STUBBORN idiots.

post holiday paradox

I just got back from Labuan! My parents and I are sending my little sister, A'in to Labuan Matriculation College (LMC).
Its really fun and enjoyable. I love being with my family, being just another human than a lifeless houseman. Besides, its with my family that I can just be me, the real me.

So, Friday evening, I rushed back home from work, packed my clothings and my housemate sent me to the airport. Its such a joyful moment when I saw my little sis and parents. God knows how I miss them soooo much!

then we went to Labuan, reached there around 9pm. We stayed at Mariner Hotel. its a pretty okay hotel there (since Labuan is full with small, small hotels). Then, everyday was really hectic. We had to go shopping for my sister's matriculation things. then, we had to shop for souvenirs to bring home. then, we had to shop for ourselves~ shopping with my mom's really great! I got a rm100+ Italian silk cloth for just rm65! her bargaining skill is really amazing! hehe

then, when we reached LMC, its really nostalgic!!! the lecture halls, and the tutorial rooms, they all remain the same..just a minor changes here and there with the cafes, and the ageing of the hostels.. the matrix really brought back memories.

but the change is the kids nowadays. strolling with iphone, laptops and netbooks.. I remember 6-7 years ago, I was using nokia 3310, with no laptops or internet. we're still using diskettes for our assignments and we have to queue up to use internet and computer in the library. lucky kids nowadays!

I'm a more of a family kinda girl, so I love being around my house and my family. I remembered feeling homesick whenever I left home. its a really tough thing to adapt whenever I'm far away from home. then, upon saying farewell to my little sis, I couldnt help but to shed tears because its just really sad.

then, we shop for some more, then went back to Miri today. I feel kinda sad when sending my parents to the airport. I really miss them soooo much. their presence really calm me down and de-stress me.

view from the entrance!

in front of the library!

with dear A'in

Bas wajib budak2 KML!

now,  I just feel really sad, because of the drastic change... the happy, care-less holiday, ended up abruptly and now I have to go back to the harsh reality of stressful work. I have a full blown blues right now. cant believe I'm almost 25 and I still have homesick like I was in secondary school. maybe sometimes, some part of you just wont grow up, huh?

keep your enemies closer

I love the saying coz its true....

keep your friends close, and your enemy closer...

-so you can choke them in their sleep
-so you can slip poison in their drinks
-so you can kick them in the balls
-so you can claw their eyes out
-so you can push them off a cliff
-so you can *insert malice things here*

sorry for this hate-ridden post. currently I'm just so full of hate. oh, and anger. anger is like oil poured to my burning hatred. there's always someone we'd all hate. I dont understand. why cant we just live in peace (rather than wishing people to rest in peace).

its just that things arent going so good nowadays, and you dunno where to turn to because the person you're pouring your hearts out might blind side you and all. I just CANT TRUST ANYONE! its like a Survivor game. its crazy.

anyway, im going out with my family this weekend. i hope I will be better later.
my poor little heart is sooooo filled with profanities right now....lemme just pour one out.

I FUCKING HATE YOU (to whom it may concerned)

God, please forgive me..so, thats all, bye!

Party poopers

it sucks, ne? when  you're having fun, enjoying and relaxing. then...some bitch came and screw everything around, stepping on EVERYBODY's toes, pointing fingers and blaming everyone on every little stupid things.

kinda like,
Bitch: why are you wearing leather shoes? dont you know cows are getting extinct?
Me: eh, those are not leather shoes, and cows are blooming all around the world
Bitch: eh...no no NO NO NO! cow's are getting extinct NO matter what. because I said so
Me: but.....
Bitch: no buts! what I said is what I said! and its ALL your fault that the cows are getting extinct!
Me: but....
Bitch: NO! COW'S ARE GETTING EXTINCT AND ITS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!
Me: *thought* F U!

Moral of the story: NEVER argue with idiots.

I want more

U see, my life's actually pretty boring.

When I was younger, I always dream about travelling around the world, and living in a bustling big metropolis.
Wearing couture clothes, walking down the lane with fashionable people along fashion boutiques. Oh, my dream house was kinda like, an apartment overseeing the city (probably on the 30th floor) with a huge glass window, decorated in a modern x classic theme.

and I'd love to dine in a fine dining restaurant (especially when I just watched Hell's Kitchen!). and I've always imagining me, playing in the snow, wearing lovely coats and boots. then meeting guys in romantic scenes like in the movies and all those ooey gooey love stories.

but now I'm stuck here. being bored. my dreams remained being dreams. reality sucks! I'm just a plain Jane. I do get self conscious and insecure sometimes. and of course, in those times, I'd envy people (e.g. Gossip Girls) and couldnt help but to wonder "if only I was like her"

and what should I do about that? I guess I need to manage my finance better. And I need to be more ambitious, and I need to further my studies. I must grow up more.

fragile people

Life is so fragile... I just heard a news that a doctor (my senior from UNIMAS), has passed away. He drowned when he tried to save another drowning person at a waterfall. He was a nice guy, a really nice guy. I remembered him signing our logbooks when we're medical students. and we could just ask him about anything. even though I wasn't that close with him, it just feels kinda sad that someone you know, who's really nice, has passed away.

sometimes death scares me. like, how does the person feel? how do the people they left behind feel?

also, like the patients in the ward. accidents happened, even a small wound can get infected really bad, causing septic shock, and people can die from those little wounds. a guy got bitten by a rat, and his finger turned gangrene. a woman, pricked her finger with prawn head during washing prawn, got really bad infection. a small prick from fish bone, or a small insect bite would later cause abscesses and all the nasty stuff.

and those young patients who had really bad road traffic accidents, who suddenly just turned paraplegic and all that.

kinda makes me paranoid to be extra careful with every little trivia things. wallahualam.

folliculaphobia

antagonism of folliculaphilia (A women who is only attracted to men with a mustache - How I Met Your Mother)

not really phobia of mustaches or anything, I just don't like men with facial hair, especially those crazy stuff. then again, as everything else, it all depends on the overall style and attitude i supposed :P

never a good morning!

this morning I woke up, feeling miserable..then it got me to think,
whats making me feel this terrible? and I remembered that all the mornings since I've remembered pretty much sucks!

is it my job? do I really hate medicine? do I hate waking up alone in this huge house? do I hate this, do I hate that??

I'll seriously feel crappy, like my head is full with hatred for everything. I'd have to drag myself out of the bed. it will take a few hours for my brain to freshen up. I won't feel like talking to people, or people talking to me. the only mornings that I'd be happy to wake up to is when I have new clothes to wear, or when I've got my vacation trips.

then, the day will go by, I will feel better and better as the day goes by. then, I'll love my job, and everything seems much brighter.

so yeah, this kinda reminds me, I REALLY HAAAATE MORNINGS!!!

just an insight from news from the past

okay, lemme just say this, I don't read the news much, or watch the news much. I don't know the details about whats going on, but seriously, the condition in Malaysia, seriously worrying me.

whats going on? with all the politicians bashing each other. and recently I heard that some of those politicians brought up the racism subject. in a multi-racial country, we should be tolerant, whats with 1 malaysia and all. I've never really disagree about 1Malaysia campaign, because for me its a good thing, but the some leaders don't really convey the message of the unity of the races! they're just SAYING "1Malaysia here, 1Malaysia there" but still badmouthing the other races.

and seriously, I don't know what got into the Malay extremists. well, I'm not Malay, but the Malays kinda symbolize the Muslims in Malaysia.*sigh* I'm so disappointed. because of some of those people, the image of the other Malays/Muslims in Malaysia are tarnished really bad. I don't know why they act without thinking. like the church bombing thing, the Allah name issue, the severed cow's head, and the Malay language Bible issue. like, wth? being the majority, it seems like those people are feeling selfish and really INTOLERANT of others. don't they know that if you respect others, people will respect you? and they keep on talking about tolerance here, tolerance there, but did they themselves look in the mirror and see if they're tolerance themselves? why in this era, people still think like Neanderthals? they disagree, they pick a fight. no rationals, no logics. I really hate it when they use religion as a cover, then people will think Islam is a violent religion and such, when in fact, they're just twisting and using the religions teaching for their own selfish needs!

I know when there's a difference, it will divide people, but really, where's the tolerance and unity of 1Malaysia?

oh, and it seems like the hottest and favorite scandal of the recent election is.... sex video scandals. just.... speechless.

I've been wanting to rant about this for so long! so yeah, I might have said the old outdated news, lol!  but seriously, these things gotta stop. we should practice the tolerance that we've preached so much about. I don't understand why they wouldn't be grateful of the peaceful environment, and it seems like they just loooove to invite trouble. I'm grateful that I'm brought up in a multi racial and religious family, might have given me some perspective.

so yeah, I would hate to point fingers at others, or badmouthing them, because things have happened, and being all bitchy would make things worse. lets just learn from our mistakes, and just try to improve ourselves to be better people.

yup, thats all I'm saying.

the art of admonishment

like seriously, where is your common sense?
or is it just a scheme for you to use me?
why does it seem like I have to state every single little thing for you to do? you're an adult, its your responsibility, why won't  you do it, unless I tell you to?

like, I can't tell someone,

-hey, can you flush the toilet next time you use it?
-hey, can you wipe your own coffee stain next time? (like, omg, the stain's just 2 drops, and its not cleaned for like months! MONTHS i tell you! I was trying to observe if you're eventually gonna do it, but you didnt, so yeah, I became your stupid slave again, and wiped the fucking stain which took just a few seconds because i just couldnt stand the sight of those stains anymore!)
-hey, can you turn off the lights?
-hey, can you clean after yourself??

like, hello? its common sense! its SOOOO freakin' easy to just attack you about it, but I'm still thinking that in long-term, I don't want to feel awkward and uncomfortable seeing your face around. even though currently i feel rage and hatred.

i mean, I don't mind doing little things and i understand that you're busy.. but HECK, I'm busy too! but its no excuse to be dirty and well non-commansensely.

or maybe I was just overestimating the role of an adult, or common sense of a freaking human!
please just dont give me the reasons to be bitchy.. i just wanna be peaceful and happy, alright?
like, seriously, how do I say those things to a person? should I care to change someone's way of thinking? or should I just destroy the relationship with the ray of hatred and rage??

new life, old life?

yup, sometimes i reminisce about my old, student life, where we all had fun and had so little responsibilities. looking back, I didn't even came to understanding what I've learned. maybe I wasn't such a good medical student. heck, I'm not that good of a houseman now. I really need to learn a LOT.

tho... I love my new life! I've begun to understand the clinical approach to patients...had my "oooh...so thats how it is" moments with medical knowledge. of course, practice is indeed the best way to increase your knowledge and experience.

although, the responsibility is soooo huge and heavy. all the decisions made will affect patients, bosses, co-workers, staffs, etc etc. sometimes I made the wrong decisions. I really dislike being wrong, well, who does? sometimes its the environment, the people? you cant please everyone and not everyone's your cup of tea. sometimes i do feel like running away, but I've sacrificed so much, I've survived so much. I'll just have to continue to improve myself. *please, dont be lazy!*

and I'm not really a people person, I guess. I have to take some time to know people and let them know me. sometimes yeah, i do feel lonely, because all my BFFs and my family are away. maybe people think I'm difficult? maybe I'm the one who distanced myself from other people? and sometimes I just like to be alone. god, I miss my BFFs and family who's always got me, who I can turn to and talk about anything, and trust them with everything! they're the catalysts for the ideal environment for me...

and people are always asking "when are you getting a boyfriend?", its really annoying. like its compulsory thing to have in life. i dont wanna search like im a desperate cat person. and mr. right is so hard to find nowadays, let alone in Miri hospital! so just let me be, ok?

oh, speaking of the past, just now, I went through my old photo albums...sometimes made me laugh so hard with the good memories..tho, some old clothes and crushes, made me think "omg, wth was i thinking??" its really weird that people just grow. I'm totally a different person now than when I was in high school.

anyways, I'm on my way to improve my quality of life right now, starting with some improvements to my new home..I got streamyx (yay!), and some other updates. I feel good about this new change~ ^_^

EOD calls

I've been on EOD calls for like, a week!
I practically live in the hospital!
but, since its ortho on calls, its not really THAT busy, like, I still can survive~
but really, it gets really boring to just stay at hospital most of your time....huhu

an ACTION packed spy dream!

okay, yesterday was my first active oncall in orthopaedics.

it went fine, like, I could sleep all night long! i kept on waking up once in a while because its still kinda weird for me..lol

so yeah, and I had this awesome dream, like I was a spy infiltrating a tall skyscraper of an evil company, kinda like Jennifer Garner in Alias! lol

and the exciting part was that, I was made! and everyone in the building was looking for me, wanting to stop me from getting out of the building! its rly exhilarating! like I had to run away (kinda like Angelina Jolie in Salt), climbing on ceilings, getting in and out of every crook and cranny in the building. also! I had to do camouflage and all to get away. its crazy!

and when I finally got to the parking lot, my car key didnt work coz other cars were beeping instead of my car (like its being tampered by the evil company!) and I kept on running, and people in black were at my heels, when a red sports car came and drifted right in front of me and I got in and the car successfully escaped from the evil building.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

there's no smell of bad luck

"malang tidak berbau" (a malay proverb)

since I'm in ortho, we were dealing mostly with trauma, which were caused by accidents. kinda makes me think the human life is so fragile, and is hanging by a thread named fate.

the accidents ranging from ridiculous ones (like hitting a dog with his motorcycle, or falling off when climbing a toilet to catch a rat from a hole in the ceiling and hitting his arm on the ceramic water tank, which broke, then severed his muscles and tendons) to straight forward road traffic accidents

then, of course, the diabetic feet, gangrenous and full of pus, kinda makes you want to do better in life and avoid all the sweet stuff and exercise a little bit more. lol

so yeah, lets just be more careful on the road, and pleaaaase drive more slowly during rainy days, and please take care of your sugar level, because diabetic feet are really BAD!

ortho

malas glr rasa mok update blog.

anyways, I'm in ortho now, dealing with fractures, pus and wounds.

the workload's quite light, coz there's only 1 ward and there are like 7 HOs, unlike when I was in Mat 1, alone and having like 30 patients in the ward.

but currently, I still have loaaads to learn, I'm still quite blank. boo hoo

ObGyn - Mukah - Ortho

just got back from a 6-day-break from the hospital life. I went back home~ (but now I'm back again in Miri, so I'm totally sulking =.=)

anyways, end of O&G posting as a houseman in Miri Hospital! can't believe I survived the infamous supposedly worst posting ever...lol. anyways, recalling my times in O&G, it wasn't really that bad (it kinda is, actually :P), I hated the bad CTGs, and all the scary moments during our calls. I hated the every 2 days oncalls, I hated the fact that people wouldn't stop being pregnant or giving births, I hated the blood, liquor and all those stuff. but, along the way, I learnt, I'm always scared of things that I don't know. therefore, I hate being scared and not knowing what to do. so, all those negative feelings came from my own ignorance. soooo.... after a while, I learnt to manage things better and all that, then, I started to accept and sometimes enjoy the challenge.

and the experience with my colleagues...priceless. some gave me headaches, heartaches and killing intentions, but those experience help me build a better me. I learnt to know and manage everything by myself (because I couldn't trust some people), so its kinda fun going solo for a little while. but most of the time, I enjoyed the time working with my other colleagues, I didn't feel like doing a job. Its really fun~!

anyways, then I took my break, and went back to Mukah. its nice to be around my family after such a long stressful posting. and my niece, Aya, is such a cutie, even though most of the times she's really naughty and running around and all that. *sigh* I'm missing them already!

oh, news flash, mukah has its first traffic lights! XD

 so yeah, despite the lack of shopping places (which are my energy source, lol), sometimes I enjoy the peace and quietness of Mukah. and I really love being with my family, yes, I'm such a mommy's girl :P

so yeah, tomorrow's I'm gonna start tagging at Orthopaedics posting. I hate changes, I hate the need to adapt to a new surrounding and stuff, but yeah, I'm feeling quite excited to see new stuff and all. I'm having all the mixed feelings, so yeah, I hope this week will be a-okay.

the first time I cut somebody

“I'm Not a Cookie Cutter. I Cut the Cookies. And I'll Cut You.” -goth tyra

anyways, yesterday, I did my first Caesarean section. its a procedure housemen are encouraged to do while they're in ObGyn posting here in Miri Hospital. and of course, I wouldn't want to miss such a huge opportunities as such!

so yeah, yesterday I got my chance, so I did it under supervision of my MO. standing at the surgeon's side of the table, I kinda feel like a star, like the surgery is my first ever performance. I was sooo nervous before the op, and couldnt help thinking of the worst possible things. I know it sounds reaaaally dramatic, but yeah, its my first surgery, so its kinda a big deal for me :P

so yeah, I did it in like 55 minutes, with estimated blood loss of 400cc, which is pretty good for a first timer. and really, much thanks to my MO, Dr. Nazihah, who's really helpful in supervising me.

God, I'm sooo thankful to be given the chance to top-up my knowledge and experience. I so love myself right now. lol

I'm soooo drained!

god, I'm sooo freaking tired. I've been having oncalls for every 2 days since forever. Like, I literally lives in the hospital, I practically had to buy a large size shower gel to last for a month. I had nightmares hearing CTGs and all. though, post calls gave me the vampire look, i could beat edward cullen for the dark eyes and the supposedly cool frown :P

anyways, its just REAALLY unbelievable that I'm going to finish O&G posting (I hope so, my specialist keep on postponing the assessment and its been driving me crazy!)

so yeah, I hope against all hope I'll pass the assessment! well, now I'll have to think about preparing a farewell party and speech~! :P

Langkawi belated update~

so yeah, I just got back from Langkawi~ not really "just", I went to langkawi from 12-16 feb.
we had quite a terrible start, with the Bella Vista hotel receptionist, who said our booking was not valid bla bla bla, and made me and Amy waited for half a day in the lobby for a booking we couldnt cancel, and made us have bitch fits in a few more stupid occasions. and we noticed they treated overseas tourists waaaay better than us. like we're sooo not valuable and all. oh, and there was no irons in the room because they have an ironing room that hotel occupants had to go to, to iron their clothes. whats this? a boarding house or something?? Bella Vista hotel review: big time SUCKS!!

anywaaaays, enough of the bitchiness~
thanks to my BFFs, I had a really good time in Langkawi~ its the company that matters, right?
so yeah, we went to the historical sites (climbed like 600 steps up the Telaga Tujuh waterfall), the cable car and the hanging bridge (which has the awesomest sceneries of all!), went island hopping (parasailing rocks! and of course, the scenic lovely islands), and of course, as tourists, we had the license to shop for souvenirs~ and some duty-free chocs~ oh, I had my first spa experience. I have low pain tolerance, so for me, its quite excruciating at times, but yeah, its kinda cool. summary of our trip (taken from Mel's blog!):

 

personal and work

its correlated, of course! like, duh, we're just human..

anyways, its been almost half a month in gynae ward. its quite more challenging than in maternity ward, where I can find more variety of cases in gynae ward. i guess i kinda like it.

and I had a kinda good call yesterday, so yeah, I'm happy

and I'm going to see my BFFs tomorrow, so I'm happy~

I feel like nothing can bring me down! :)

some people

some people, they just rub you the wrong way

just by the way they speak, act, dress, look etc etc

man, sometimes i seriously think I'm somewhat an egomaniac bitch who just wants everything to go my way. and seriously, bad fashion sense really annoys me really bad!
hum...i dont really know who triggered my bitch switch. I was always nice and pleasant before, you know (:P)

anyways, everyone has their bitchy moments, lets just let me have mine this time.

thanks

byebye~

an update for the sake of filling my blog space

2 months plus into ObGyn, I learned a lot!

from the medical stuff to the hospital politics stuff.

I guess I've grown into a different person? I think adaptation to the wild, dramatic environment is crucial.

But currently, we're short of HOs, so we have to go on call quite more frequent than usual. and the calls are usually REALLY tiring! I reaaaaaaaaallly can't wait to go for my leave soon! I need to get awaaaay from the hospital stuff, or else I'll go nuts, or I'll go shopping way too much.

anyways, as usual, my circadian cycle is already messed up, so I'm just gonna try to go to sleep now.
good night~~~

Cuci Mata with vampire diaries season 2

Like seriously, no other drama series has hot people more than Vampire diaries
like, come on, stefan and damon are hot enough. and now a hot werewolf is in there too!
seriously, this show is ruining my expectations for other guys..haha!

hate IS toxic

I'm so sick of men acting like little boys girls. like mean girls clawing with each other for the spot of the ring leader. like a bully who stole a girl's candy to show who's in charge of the playground.

I hate fools who talk oh-so-big, like they know everything when in fact they don't.

and chivalry's TOTALLY dead. true story: one fine day, a guy just asked me, "Liyana, did you BO in the toilet just now? because there are pieces of shit and its really disgusting!". Like, OH MY GOD! who in hell would ask somebody else that freaking question??

and I HATE it when people say threats to others. is it necessary? do you think  you can get what you want with throwing threats around? its so disrespectful. and if you want respect, you need to respect others first, even if they're you're inferiors.

and I HATE when people use non-witty sarcastic remarks. like, hello, I welcome any sarcasm, just not those that sound nothing near something smart.

and I HATE it when someone just bitch way tooo much just about EVERYTHING. especially guys. emo guys who throw temper tantrums. they even bitch about bitching! thats how they love bitching!

oh, god! I'm soooo full of hate now. this is not good! I need a HUGE dose of retail therapy to kill all this hatred! like seriously! I'm going NUTS! NUTS I tell you!!!!

a messed up story

story of a herd of big giant grizzly bears. their life is a mess. they like to mark their territories, showing others how strong they are. they love it when other bears fear them. they have mistaken fear for respect. and if they have ANY balls, they would not be such cowards to own up to their weaknesses, which is ironic, because they just loooove pointing out mistakes in others!

and in another village, lives some cicadas, huddling together in the summer. they love basking in the sun, and picking up insects and feasting on them. they love going to the gossip bar, where they gossip about other insects and their inferiority, because cicadas have really huge god complex.

and the tiny little insects scrambled around. their life a vicious cycle of depression. the puppet master sits back and enjoys the scenery because nothing makes it happier than others' misery. and none of those animals can get away from the iron grip of the puppet master.

well, life is cruel. we all need some entertainment to get away from it all. haha~

what's O&G to me?

a cup of coffee.