Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Sucky Day

hi hi..first of all, I'm unable to go to sleep, since I've slept from 11am to 5pm today. that sucks. I'm gonna need my sleep for a chaotic day tomorrow. Because I'm going to paeds medical ward.

aand, today's my postcall. oncall yesterday was really not peaceful. quite a lot of babies to resus and all that. freaking tiring. whats more, I'm oncall with him. gah! hate it so freaking much. didnt get much sleep last night.

and this morning, turned out I've made some big mistakes. tired + sleep deprived + feeling really bad for my mistakes = great depression. yup, I'm never able to do anything right. sucks!

and when I was sleeping away my depression, some dude I barely know, whom I asked for help one freaking time, decided to ask my number from my mom, and started texting me like I'm his good friend, asking me this and that. and people who really know me, knows how much I HATE being disturbed when I'm sleeping for stupid unnecessary little things by people I'm not so close with or people I don't really like. SUPER hate it! really fcuking hate it! like, get the message, idiot, if I replied "yes", "no", "ok", get the freaking idea that I'm not freaking interested. if I didn't reply, hell no I'm not interested. really pissing me off that the dude didnt get it at all, I said I was sleeping and I was @ my postcall. and when I didn;t reply, he kept on asking, oh sorry, are u mad at me or something. fcuk. I dont even know you, and you obviously dunno who the hell I am. if im not replying then piss off. its not really rocket science. god! where are all these idiots coming from?? thats why I hate asking people for help, hate to be "in debt" to someone. especially idiots. urgh!

darn. really spoiling my post call break. anyway, just now went out with some colleagues for dinner. thanks for the superb time. its fun, and really made my day better.

anyways, for what its worth, I hope tomorrow will be a better day. though I seriously doubt it. *serious negative black hole aura surrounding*

Saturday, August 28, 2010

I ate kids for breakfast

figuratively, of course!

Yup, I'm like a month plus already in the paeds department. I used to kinda dislike kids. ever since I could remember. I had tried liking them when I saw all females are like mandatorily born with a motherly instinct and I used to think all girls think kids are adorable. But yeah, I was tired from trying, and I had fully accepted the fact that I don't like kids. I think cats are cuter than kids. I hate it when they cry/scream/throw tantrums. I hate nappies, drool and vomit and all that. and I was scared to hold them because they look super fragile and I could drop them anytime.

but..now, I think I can somewhat accept that some babies are cute. I still think that their crying can drive anyone nuts though. But, being in paeds really teaches me how to be patient and observant (because kids cant really tell whats wrong with them). and I can hold a baby now, and all that. My respect to mothers, they're really superwomen to go through motherhood.

anyways, yeah, I'm starting to like some kids now, and paeds can be fun sometimes (maybe its just a Stockholm Syndrome for me :P). I love working in SCN. I'm a bit dreading the time when I'll be going to paeds medical ward next month..huhu

anyway, I should be getting some sleep now, sleep is to us like the Ring to gollum..haha~ yup, its precioussss~!! so yeah, nite2~

Sunday, August 22, 2010

just a quick update

just feeling like updating my blog since I havent posted anything for quite some time.

Ok, life now is quite ok i guess. still adapting to work, I can do more now and be more useful (lol). There are 3 new housemen in the ward. I have new friends. yay

I still need to shop and I need a shopping buddy. I blew off 2 chances of going out with my friends. 1. with wanie, when I overslept and missed it. and she's now off in Ulu Baram. huhu..
2. with mala, when I also overslept in the evening, and missed the dinner. she's now off to Sibu, she was just visiting Miri for a short while.

god, I hate myself! I miss my friends. *sob sob*

Can't wait for Kunnoe to come to Miri some time soon. and I cant wait for Sheareen to finish her tagging so we have more time, so we can go shopping!!!!

I really need to snap out from this depressed lonely feeling. I'll just have to take it positively, like, taking it as more quality time for myself and a peaceful relaxing time. I still miss my BFFs and my family.

Anyway, tomorrow's Monday, and you know what that means. friggin' Monday Blues. eh, do I really get Monday Blues? Its not like I have holidays on weekends now. everyday seems to be the same to me. theme of my life: supermassive black hole :P

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

I'm not crazy, I'm just a li'l unwell

gosh, it feels really weird to be sick! I had a lovely start today, woke up feeling all fresh and happy (which is kinda rare because I really am not a morning person), then went to work.

Then it all started. Our body has ways to tell that there is something wrong with it. I started feeling all woozy and uneasy. I tried to brush it away, but it would just wont be turned off. like an alarm telling that something is terribly wrong. Then I had a weird sensation of discomfort around my stomach. then it turned to colicky pain. Then, I felt nauseated. Then I vomited out whatever the heck there was. blargh! I hate being sick. Then I felt like really sleepy and lazy, like my body screaming I NEED TO GO TO SLEEP NOOOW!

Hu.. I really dont wanna be sick at work. its different from college, where you can get MCs and just lie down on your bed whole day long. I just don't wanna be extended in my housemanship just because I'm sick. Hope I'll get better tonight!!!!

Monday, August 16, 2010

I love my pillows

um...dunno what to write. today's quite a busy day. on call last night so-so. sooo freaking tired and getting really drowsy after quite a big dinner.

so yeah, off to bed! nite nite~

Thursday, August 12, 2010

happy fasting~

Happy Ramadhan to all Muslims! its 2nd of Ramadhan today. Gosh! I have tummy ache from over eating at break of fast just now! >.<

Anyway, I had my 2nd on call last tuesday. there were 10 patients coming in at that time. I was sleepless in Miri that night! its really tiring, and mind boggling. Like, after some time, my brain just got puzzled and mushed up and all confused. Its a little overwhelming, but I made it through, somehow. Then, after work, I went and bought some food, then ate my sungkey, and right after Isya' prayer, I crashed till morning.

I kinda thought it'd be tiring working as a doctor during the fasting month, but I think work is a good distraction from hunger. also, in SCN its always cold, so I think its kinda nice.

oh, also, there are 2 new taggers who just came in yesterday. gosh, I'd never wanted ever to remember the feeling of total cluelessness during that period!

oh, and I still hate how slow my brain works sometimes. like, when the specialist asked questions, it'd take some time for me to process, like, I know the answer, but urgh.. I hate my brain.

and, because of some unfortunate event, I had to prepare a presentation about acute glomerulonephritis tomorrow! urgh! If I present like shit, I'd might as well jump off the window! thats how I hate myself for screwing up too much!

anyway, I'd better get started on the presentation thingy. jaa~

Monday, August 9, 2010

NRP and farewell party

We're doing our NRP for now (neonatal resuscitation program), this morning, we had theory exam (I hope I passed!), and the rest of the day, we had practical session with Dr. David. There are lots of steps in NRP, sometimes we stumbled here and there, but we're getting the hang of it, somehow. The practical thing was fun, it tickles the brain and all, and we laughed at each others' mistakes (in a good way, of course), and we learned lots. So, tomorrow we're gonna continue with intubation and medications used in NRP.

Also, we had a farewell party, as 2 of the housemen/housemans?? are leaving, Dr. Seelan and Dr. Lim. They've helped me a lot when I was still sooooo clueless!! anyway, they bought lots of food and drinks. unfortunately, some of us didnt know about this plan and only told after we had lunch, but I ate some donuts anyway, they're just SOOO yummy! I love donashi! the chocolate dip was heaven!! X3

and, I'm going oncall again tomorrow, so hope I can sleep well tonight~

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Damsel in Distress

I used to love myself so much I have a tinge of narcissism. I used to have some self-confidence that keeps me going. I used to have the feelings that nothing can bring me down.

and right now, I'm just still doubting and hating myself so much. I've been trying so hard to survive this, to learn and all. I just keep on screwing up one after another. I'm tired of feeling so lonely even though I'm surrounded by people. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only stupid, useless someone here. I can't even remember the patients, I can't remember any freaking thing! And the thing I hate the most is, no matter how much I've achieved/learned, there's always something stupid I'd do, and my confidence would just crumble down like a house of cards.

I miss my BFFs, I miss my family, I miss going out and having fun, I miss laughing nonstop I don't have time to stop and breathe, I miss just feeling free and in control, I miss enjoying those tiny, little things in my life, I miss having shopping mates! now I just do everything on my own. and it feels really horrible. I feel like a lonely, desperate damsel in distress! they who understand me the most are all far, far away from here, and/or are too busy being doctors too.

I'm SOOOO freaking tired right now. I still have no idea what the hell am I doing. What am I supposed to do?

Thursday, August 5, 2010

I love him, I love him not.

SOURCE: http://doccartoon.blogspot.com/
THIS IS SOOOOO TRUE!!!

gosh! I hate this mixed feelings about work! its like being in love with a complicated guy XD

Oh, I'm gonna start oncall this Saturday. I'm feeling kinda anxious thinking about it. Like, how does it really feel? and dealing with patients as a first-line of management and all that. a new experience for me! exciting, but kinda nerve-wrecking at the same time.

And, sometimes I just can't help questioning, like its still really unbelievable that I'm a d-o-c-t-o-r. like, I've been a school/college student all my life! and now I'm a working person, a d-o-c-t-o-r! its still a weird feeling, I guess. Yeah, I'm having a bit of an adjustment disorder. Hope it wont last long, or it'd progress to depressive disorder or something :P

So yeah, I'm in love with this "guy". Sometimes, the challenges make me feel more alive, sometimes they just depress me. I guess its normal?? Gosh, I've been questioning and doubting myself since the 1st day. I hate this feeling of a low lifer, with low self-esteem and low self-confidence. I seriously need some new shoes/clothes to boost my self-esteem/self-confidence. SERIOUSLY!

Gosh, I've been a real freaking whiner ever since I started working!! hate this about myself! anyway, I really wanna enjoy my job as much as I can. I can do this! I still need some new shoes, but I can do this!! ^^

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

day 15 of housemanship

omg, its like, half a month already! time flies so fast. it seems just yesterday that I walked into this hospital TOTALLY clueless just about EVERYTHING!

Anyway, I'm going back to special care nursery (SCN) starting today. This morning, I woke up and found out that I've been wearing the same shoes over these 15 days: a) white sneakers, b) white flat shoes, c) black & white shiny shoes, d) fugly flat black sandals. since I can't wear any heels, my options are limited. and I feel its kinda depressing! I need more shoes to match my clothes, more shoes makes me happy and more functional. oh btw, I need more work clothes too!

Damn! I wanna go shopping SO bad! Me needs Money!!

so yeah, anyway, my passion for medicine is recovering, though I still resent it sometimes. I now learn to accept my mistakes and learn from it. I dont wanna break down just because I did something wrong. I need to be stronger and tougher to deal with my mistakes and myself.

p.s. I still hate waking so early in the morning!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

end of tagging

Day 14 of tagging today. supposedly end of tagging days. assessment should be tomorrow or the day after.

How am I feeling? Hum.. still the same. Still trying my best for adaptation. Its a totally different world from the student life. Its work, its responsibility, its really heavy!

I'd probably start on call this Saturday. Hum... feeling kinda worried and scared. Its really a something new for me, and its a really huge responsibility. I really hope I can make it.. somehow.

Anyway, I've still got TONS to learn, so yeah, wish me luck!