Can't Shan't Won't

I'm kinda getting sick and tired of people trying to tell me how I live my life.

"you should change this or that"
"you should get this or that"
"you should like this or that"
"you should hate this or that"
"you should be this or that"

I hate being forced. I know it when I feel it. Like someone trying to bend or shape something like a metal rod. It would feel contrived and constrained.

They think I was born yesterday.
They think they are above me.
They think they can control me.
They think they can create me.

Don't get me wrong, I can accept constructive criticism, and I keep open arms with improvising suggestions or thoughts. I like listening/trying new ideas, and explore, because that's how you expand your knowledge about anything, improving yourself physically, mentally, emotionally and fashionably! Yes, we all need guidance in life. No point being a stubborn and egoistical, but stuck in a rut!

I just don't like how some people want me to be somebody I'm not. Sometimes I admit I did lose myself once in a while, being what people expect me to be, not what I myself want to be. And that feeling sucks! And I reel back the real me up to the surface before I totally lost it. Like, oh honey, I know what I want already, and I'm gonna get it with or without your help! So, beat it!

Nothing to Lose??

Because sometimes I do think about, what if I care about nothing in the world, living life as it is, no responsibilities, no boundaries, no rules, no bossy bosses, like there's nothing to lose in life.


It sounds free and fun! Like I can do ANYTHING I want, and I wouldn't care less. Unstoppable.



But, unfortunately, life doesn't work that way, honey. The more at stake, the higher the price are. No pain, no gain, labour has a bitter root, but a sweet taste, etc etc. 
and I dont wanna live an empty life. I dont wanna be them. ever!

Its the pain of getting what you want, defending your honour and that makes it all worth while
Having a victory for whats worth fighting for
When we learn how to be strong, sometimes in the hard way
The pride when we know how strong we really are.


So yeah, I absolutely have something to lose in life. I'm gonna fight for it. I will lose some and win some. I hope all of this will make me a better, stronger me!


It's good to be scared. It means you still have something to lose. - Richard Weber, Grey's Anatomy

Sometimes I was dramatique

Sometimes i feel like i want to shout it all out! Sometimes i feel like i just want to be alone. Sometimes i feel like i was so high, im untouchable. Sometimes i feel i hit rock bottom i dont even matter. Sometimes i feel like you totally get me. Sometimes i feel like you dont know me at all. Sometimes im a fighter i'd die kicking. Sometimes im tired of all the fights, i'd just run away.


But its okay. Im feeling all high and low. My feelings are all am dramatic turmoil in me. I tried to be in control most of the times...but sometimes they're just raging and took control over me. Its okay if you dont know me and I dont know you. What life is without the mystery?

new year? just a beginning of a date!

Why people get excited about the new year? its just waking up to another day, right?
and people are raving about 20.12.2012
I think the celebration is because we all crave for a new start, so we try to find the reason for a new beginning.

my resolutions? I just wanna be better. In whatever.
Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, fashionably (yessss!)

The quest of finding myself is neverending.

So yeah, hope we're able to find whatever we seek for. Even if we didnt get what we originally want, I hope the journey will make us get whatever we need!

Welcome, 2012!

my dreamland, my own

yessss... I'm a dreamer.

I just loooove to dream...

whenever people telling me long, boring stories

in a boring meeting

in a boring presentation

while walking

while driving

while sleeping...

I just love it.
I dream about...
fashion...alwaysss thinking of themes and styles that I'd love and like to try on
couture...owning couturiere stuff, and shopping at like, Saks Fifth Avenue like nobody's business
interior design...like how to decorate my car/room/house or even designing my own future dream house!
travel...to other places, meeting cute guys in snow..hahaha
fantasy...like having wings, i love black feathery ones, kinda like a dark angel, and flying around

and the other dreams, like
revenge....crushing the face of someone I hate, pushing them off cliffs, or setting a hungry vicious Rottweiler on them, errr...dont get me started
people make over...like imagining the people in front of me with different styles and clothes, what should be changed, what should not be worn in public eye etc.
crazyyy...like, if i was stuck in a situation that i'd really like to get out of...i started to dream that if I could, I would be a transforming werewolf...like i would be all like, "i dont wanna change", "someone stop me!" but...there nothing anyone can do, and i keep transforming, claws growing out of my nails, fangs popping out my teeth, i'd get all furry and fury, trashing around, destroying all the things in the midst, glass shattered, walls rumbling down, floor shaking, people running and screaming around, maybe i could catch someone or two (maybe that boring person who made me start daydreaming, or someone i dislike)....... oh yeah, that was fun, wasnt it?!!


so yeah, when life gets hard, I love to run away to my dreams land, where everything is just right!