The dark side

lately I feel so demotivated
like, I don't feel happy most of the time
I'm angry, I'm upset, I'm sick of everything
I'm anhedonic, I don't even feel like shopping.

I keep on asking, where does everything go wrong?
Is it him? Is it her? Is it them? Is it ME?
am I the source of my own happiness?
What do I do wrong? I keep on trying and trying, but all "it" sees is mistakes.
No appreciation. I feel like shit.

What is my purpose? What's the reason to live? What's the reason to wake up in the morning?
Why am I unhappy? What should I do?
Confront my enemies? That would make things worse
Keep on thinking of angry thoughts and revenge? That would kill my mind, slowly and deadly
Distractions? That would not cure the cause
Solving the problem? err....can I really solve it? because my solution would be rejected
Walk away? I'd love to. But it wouldn't solve anything, besides, it would make "it" happy that "it" had beaten me. so I wouldn't want that.

So, I really dunno what to do.
Reward myself? Can I feel the relief? Its just like adding some delicious cream on top of a crappy tasting cake.
Punish myself? Can I feel the redemption? Will my pain relief my suffering, or just another distraction from the real problem?

And why do people always generalize? stereotyping? being bias? I hate to be punished from generalization, not because of my own mistakes. "It" makes assumptions. Talk behind my back. Have "it" ever asked me why? The reasons behind my actions? Oh, I forgot... "it" doesn't have the capacity to accept rationalizations from someone "it" hates. "It's" emotions pollute "it:s reasoning, therefore "it" wouldn't be able to think that what I said is honest and sincere from my heart, without any intention of being aggressive and destructive.

So much for a 21st century community. I can really feel my mind and soul are slowly decaying.

God, only you are the source of my strength. Without you, I'd definitely had gone off somewhere bad.
Please gimme something that can make me feel more alive. Maybe make me grow some wings so I can just fly away and feel FREE!

Gimme something... that can make me feel.... INNER PEACE!

P.S. I really miss my family and BFFs! you guys are my life! XOXO