Live = eviL

it never fails to amuse me, people's ignorance towards human nature. like, seriously, do you expect everyone to be all angelic, everything to be rainbows and butterflies?

people use people, its dog-eat-dog world out there! grow the freaking up!

again, I'm not rooting for evil, but please, acknowledge that in human there are good and evil, in Islam, its like, the akal and nafsu. in greek mythology, there are eros and thanatos, human drive towards live and death, respectively. and also, as in yin and yang. all evolving around good vs evil in this life.

so, why should we deny the existence of evil in everyone? so we can live blissfully ignorant? so evil things wont happen if we didnt think about them?

and why should we accept the existence of evil? so we can understand more about human nature, so we know what we're facing, so we know the cause/reason of its existence. so we can avoid the shock (like, omg!! I cant believe he actually used me to get something and when he's done he just threw me away?? omg!! *crushed!!*). thus, we can prepare ourselves. then perhaps, we would know how to face it, avoid it or solve it.

and personally, I think, having "evil" in us doesnt mean it makes us all murderer, traitor or whatever evil being there is. like love, the definition of evil is subjective. sometimes we need to be selfish to protect ourselves. sometimes we need to be stingy to protect ourselves. like, in the anime Fruits Basket, there is the story about the stupid humble traveller who gave his own body parts to be eaten by goblins just because he pitied the hungry goblins. we do not need to be this good/generous, right? too much or too little of something is always not good. almost in everything, moderation is the key.

all in all, its all about a harmonious balance between good and evil, akal and nafsu, eros and thanatos, yin and yang in an ideal life.

trip to home and back again

I seemed to have lost my interest in updating my blog. Probably because after the exam, I kinda like, "let it all down". I have rested, slept like a log, and wasted my time online and watching drama or movies. it was all stress-free~

and last weekend, I went back home. overall it was fun, though I couldn't really be as free as when I am here, because at home, I still have to do chores, unlike here where I can procrastinate all I want :P. Also, I've been busy with my 14-month-old niece, who can already walk, run and babble some words, she's getting smarter and even naughtier, its really hard to chase her around the house! like a quote inside my paediatric guide book, "You can learn many things from children - how much patience you have, for instance - Franklin P. Jones". Apparently, I dont have much of it, so its something that I'll have to learn more.

Also, yesterday was Malaysia's 52nd Independence Day aka Merdeka day, with the theme of 1 Malaysia this year. Merdeka is when Malaysia was freed from British invasion. Blood has been spilt, and a lot of effort and sacrifices were involved in the process. I don't think there's enough empathy which we can express that is equal to how difficult the whole Merdeka process really was. Without all the sacrifices and all, Malaysians wouldn't be able to experience such freedom as now. I'm not really good at history but I understand the basic of it XD.
Still, some stupid Malaysians decided to think that freedom in Merdeka is the same as freedom to waste themselves, to be free from all the moral restraints. Merdeka is celebrated by getting wasted with alcohol, drugs and social gathering of nothingness. I dunno, I just hate the youth today, the ones who cant think higher than the basic survival instincts of eating and mating, who followed every single thing the media redeemed as "cool" regardless of the consequences. well, I think everyone knows how this species is.

So, when my 16-year-old sister decided to go out to celebrate Merdeka with a couple of good-for-nothing watsisface and watserface, god, I was pissed off. I was worried till I couldnt sleep. i felt like a protective mother. gave her some talk after she came back, hope she'll change for the better.

why do I hate those idiots so much? its because:
a. they don't have the will to learn, they are too content with what they have, they have no self-motivation to improve themselves (this is where "stay the same" song doesn't work)

b. they are too weak to peer pressure and a slave to the so-called coolness (their definition of cool = hate school, study as little as possible, laugh at people who do nice things or study and call them "geek", destroy your body as much as possible - smoke! drink! drugs! sex!, be stupid, look stupid, feel stupid, eat stupid) kawan mkn taik ko pun mkn taik juak!

c. they follow everything they watch on TV (content same as point above)

there is a thin line between being adventurous and being stupid,
also a thin line between having fun and being stupid.

parents don't let their kids out late at night to prevent from bad things happening to them (self-destruction, rape, fights, murder, etc), not because they are narrow minded or they dont want the kids to have fun or "mengongkong", like we've heard a lot from the stupid people's excuses. even though our parents are from different generation, the human nature hasn't really changed much, only even worse now. parents have been teenagers before, they understand. been there done that!

and I'm not advocating to make TV our enemy, or dont ever watch TV! its just that we have to have some sort of a filter, to sieve through, learn to avoid the bad influence and follow the good ones. just like fashion, what may look good on other people doesnt mean it would look good on you. so, think wisely!

and have the freaking courage to say NO to those pesky peer pressure thingy. i know its hard for most teenagers, thats why i said courage is needed.

or perhaps, stupid people exist to complete the hierarchy of the ecosystem. if there are no losers, there wont be any winners?

anyways, nice guys always finish last. thats kinda like the rule of the world.

another long post from me. I just cant stop myself from talking about those people. Anyways, those are just my honest point of view. I hope I didnt get stupid being caught up in my own thoughts and eliminating other possibilities. If I was wrong, enlighten me.

Together we decrease the incidence of stupidity!!!!

perception and hatred

People said first impressions are everlasting. May be true, may be not. Some people expose everything about themselves at the very first moment, and some takes time to peel off their layers.

Perception.. is easily manipulated by emotions and any other factors (like physical stress, illness etc). We perceive what we want to think it is. Like, when we love someone, everything he/she does is wonderful and all, and every negative things are deemed as mistakes or lessons that could be learned and improved.

When we hate people, or try to hate one, everything they do is viewed as negative stuff. Sometimes I tried to not be judgmental or anything, but too much is just too much, until there's a time that I don't care anymore. That'd be the time I decided to hate everything about that person no matter what it is. No more second chance.

and Hate, is a powerful thing. People hide things, people lie, people pretend. Why? Sometimes people are afraid that others might come to hate them when they know the truth. and why do we care so much about others hating us? I dont really care about people whom I dont care hating me, but people that I care about, of course I dont want them to hate me. Why? because I wanna be with those people, I want to be a part of their lives, I wanna help them, I want them to help me, or anything.

sometimes hatred can also be used as an escape route. like, I hate everything about you. get lost from my life and dont ever come back! or something like that.

or some hypocrite people just love to pretend so that people love and accept them. they care so much about what people think that they turn into somebody that they're not. i really hate those people who talk the talk but didnt walk the walk. mean what you're saying! dont go like, "omg, she wears the shortest skirt ever, thats SO sinful! she'll burn in hell!" and you go like making out with every guy you've met.

though sometimes, faking things are necessary, like to avoid unnecessary non-fatal itsy-bitsy but awkward moments. like, avoiding some annoying things while you plan for the final escape route. i hate pretending though, it could be really exhausting. oh well, im a free spirit, i love letting myself free or whatever XD.

anyways, yeah, im just rambling again. need some sleep. jaa~

in the vicinity of a hatee

close but not-so-dear? what would you do?

1. ignore them, they are just midgets in your life, they dont bother you at all though you hate them.
2. ignore them, but in deep down inside, or not-so-deep down, you're plotting revenges from putting a bug in their food to pushing them off a 1000 feet cliff with alligators and piranhas and sharp jagged rocks at the bottom.
3. passive aggressively, show them you hate them, like accidentally breaking their favorite cup.
4. those actions do not speak loud enough! tell them to their freaking faces! *grr! you #%^&!*
5. actions DO speak louder than words, if you know how to do it. punch them in their freaking faces!!! *RAWR!!*
6. why act violent when you can play psychological games AND keep your hands clean? torture them mentally! *muahahahahaha!!!*

ah, sorry for some excessive violence contents! im just ranting from exam stress and all *lol, the luxury of blame :P*, ranting IS a really good way to release stress aside other stuff (it has been raining 2 evenings straight! cant play any sports! T_T).

and though i dont deny that hatred's existence in our life, I'm not condoning to any violent acts as stated above.
okay, setting all the violence aside, here's some pacifists choices:
1. forgive them
2. try to love them
3. try to change them to something you love
4. hatred is poison! plant love and exterminate all hatred! *i do believe in fairy, i do, i do! (repeat 100x)*

hum.. i dunno which one would I choose. life is all about choices. choose whichever you feel is right for you and other people (dont get me started on this topic! some people pissed me off regarding this choice thing! grr!!)

awkward encounter and the solution is..?

what would you do if you walked in into something and realized that you've been wrongly at the wrong place at the wrong time? kinda like you walk in your bald principal's office while he's putting on his wig, or you walked in on an occupied but unlocked fitting room while the occupant is changing, or you walked in on a friend watching pron stuff or, anything embarrassing!

so what would you do?

1. scream! and run away as fast as you can
2. speechless and expressionless quickly back away, and when its safe run away as fast as you can
3. speechless and expressionless slowly back away, and when its safe run away as fast as you can
4. went "ah! .... ha-ha-ha" with a sorry smile, apologize then back away, and when its safe run away as fast as you can
5. just apologize quickly and then run away as fast as you can
6. confront whatever it is right there right then and expect some explanation, and maybe you could also scold them for doing something thats not right
7. scream and faint (lol)

hum..what else? maybe i can add later XD
so yeah, my option is no. 2! sometimes 4 or 1 (yeah, i'm the "flight" person when it comes to survival instinct XD)

seriously though, being at the wrong place at the wrong time, witnessing something you'd rather not, is certainly not the best feeling in the entire world!

confessions of a shopaholic - SOOO me! XD

I've finished reading this book this morning, and no surprises! I'd TOTALLY understand what she's going through, though I don't have credit cards at the moment. I thank GOD for that, dunno whatever would happen to me if I own a credit card or two XD. but seriously, this book really epitomized a shopaholic!

Why I shop?
1. its TOTALLY the cutest thing ever, I'd DIE if I dont own it
2. its SALE
3. i swear i wont shop for a month (NEVER works XD)
4. i deserve to treat myself (yeah, like for not shopping for like 2 weeks or so?)
5. life's too short without that top/shoes/whatever
6. im bored, i need something new
7. had a long day, need retail therapy
8. i passed a cloth on display and its begging me to buy it XD
9. i peeled myself off something, patted my back for the success of resisting the temptation but found myself thinking about the thing for days until i finally went back to the store and get it.

and the list goes on and on, shopaholics always, always find reasons (more like excuses!) to shop. sometimes I even like, pass a freaking furniture shop or whatever and found me asking myself, "is there something i need in there?", and it feels weird if i went in a store and coming out empty-handed.

its really troublesome, with my student life, im living off of my scholarship and allowances from my parents. thankfully scholarship for medical students is the highest! hehe. I SO can't wait to get my own paycheck and like, "oh, i've just spent $1000 for the clothes and shoes..hmmm... its okay, i'll have more money next month!" dreaming is sooo fun! XD

anyways, I really need to exercise some self-control now. i should NOT not go shopping, but i think i can reduce it for now. wish me luck! ^.^

vacation is a faraway dream *sigh*

hi hi! yeah, its been really busy! dermatology is quite a busy busy posting. loads to read, loads to revise -.-;;
however, today, the afternoon class was postponed, so my friends and i went to watch "Watchmen". its a superheroes movie, directed by "300" director. hum.... i dont really like this movie. i dont really get it. all i know is, its mainly focused on human's ugly natures, corruptions and there were loads and loads of violence. i dunno, i just dont get some of the parts. urgh! so not worth my afternoon and money =.=

though sometimes it crosses my mind that maybe annihilation is a way to help this world. kinda like hitting the restart button. cleansing the earth from scums and all. then again, the question would be "who deserves to remain alive?" and "who deserves to be erased from the world?", thus making the whole process a lot harder than the idea. whatever, it could get deep. i dont wanna get too much in it for now XD.

and, yesterday and today, it rained. the weather got reaaally cold. now too. in the evenings, when we played volleyball, the sky went really dark, the wind were blowing, there were lightnings and thunders, and some drizzle too, sometimes. its kinda freaky but fun to play in such weather XD. feels like the scene in twilight where the vegan vampires were out playing superpower softball with supermassive blackhole in the background XD. oh, and i've improved somehow, its so cool! ^^ and my arms hurt less now though they still hurt a little bit now and then. weird ne? like, our body can adapt to such change in a really short time?

aanyways, i have an aim to like, learn as many sports as i can, and so far i've learnt:
1. netball
2. basketball
3. badminton
4. pingpong
5. volleyball
6. futsal (only played in a tournament once and its pretty funny XD)
7. bowling (is this even considered a sport? XD)

hum..what else? cant think of anything. ah, i'll just update the list later whenever ^^v

oh and my brother Noem, got 8 A's and 2 B's for his SPM. though he did not beat my results, thats quite good. congrats to Noem-chan~

so yeah, think i should update my bloggie before finishing my seminar presentation and going to sleep on such fine weather~ ^.^~~

common sense in my simple-minded view

common sense: everything to something, something to everything

there are 2 types of people
1. those with common sense
2. those without common sense

when those without common sense piss you off, they're called idiots. i really hate those people. im not saying that im a genius or anything. sometimes i do fool around, do stupid stuff and all. and sometimes i laugh at some stupid joke/stuff/people. well, it all depends on many different factors, like level of stupidity, duration of the stupid joke, the person, my mood, any history with the person, etc etc.

seriously though, not knowing things that even my little sister/my non-formally educated grandma know, is just the peak of a idiocy.
there are 2 possibilities if your common sense is different from most people
1. you're a genius
2. you're a folly (sounds a little bit cuter than "you're an idiot" XD)

so yeah, thats my view on people with common sense.
actually i wanted to post about the interfaculty sports day, but i havent got the pics from Mel, so I'm posting this thought of mine. apparently someone without a common sense had ticked me off XD.

Dan Brown's new movie and book!

okay, so maybe I was kinda late to find out about these things >.<
I was flipping Sony magazine when OMG, I found out that Angels and Demons, one of my most favorite books, is made into film and it'll be out in May this year~! it should great! they even had to reconstruct the Vatican City in California as the film production is banned in the real Vatican City after the Da Vinci Code! how cool is that?! I hope it would be better than the Da Vinci Code though, that movie's just so-so to me, and like, I've never pictured Robert Langdon being Tom Hanks! I've always liked Angels and Demons better than the Da Vinci Code, so please don't disappoint me~!! (i love the ambigrams! X3)

I know Dan Brown's books are quite controversial, especially in the religious setting, but I think it all depends on how people accept things. like, doctors dealing with infective diseases doesn't mean they'd get infected, ne? (lol, some metaphore). anyways, different people have different thoughts. some people got very defensive and got insulted easily when talking about religions. its like, people is always finding faulty things, like if you accepted everyone's opinions about cars, you probably wouldn't buy one forever! so yeah, for me, we don't have to get insecure about ourselves and people always, always have the tendencies to focus and exaggerate on bad stuff (humans are like vultures to misery, a quote from i-cant-remember-where), so you'll have to accept that part of a human being! and there are always stuff that people cant agree with together. so i think its okay to listen to what people are saying though it doesn't mean you have to like/follow/accept everything.

okay thats me rambling XD, so yeah, and the new book from Dan Brown is The Solomon Key. its about Robert Langdon's 3rd adventure. can't wait to get my hands on it! X3

Summary of life from the old living.

Hi, haven't been here in quite a while. I don't really know what to say. and college's internet has gone haywire sometimes, so its really annoying.

Hum...last Thursday, I was supposed to present a case on a bedsite teaching, but Dr. Ye took a long time discussing another case, so I was exempted from presenting my case. My case was pretty interesting. My patient is a 67 year-old English man. Its fun clerking him, I love English accent!

However, before that, I clerked an old woman, she was brought to the nursing home by her siblings because she got sick, immobilized, and no one to take care of her at home coz she's single and she lived with her elderly sister before.

I guess by looking at old people, its kinda like looking at the summary of life. I dont really know how to explain, its just I really feel like that when looking at them. Its like, they have lived.

Starting from young - wanting to explore and try everything there is in the world, sometimes even wanting to be everything they're not (teenagers nowadays btw), they're just like immature babies who are not ready for the real world. they crave for freedom, thrill and they want to express themselves to the whole world. everything is in the fantasy land. they dream, hoping for the happily ever after. they are in search of their own identity.

then came the adult stage, where some people go wiser, more mature. they have learned things from their teenage life. they become more aware of the reality, the cruelty of real life, and they become more responsible.

finally, the old age. things have settled down. some life goals have been accomplished. everything is going settling down. strength, agility, metabolism, any drives mostly reduced. then came weakness, frailty, diseases and disabilities. they then, have to be dependant on people to take care of them. they now also have to pass the torch to the younger people to live on and whatever.

so yeah, thats like, my view on summary of life. of course I could be wrong, not all people would go through what I've said.

my point, they have lived. they have been through like, a hell lot of things. I don't really like the fact that a hell lot of old people have been neglected/abused. I remember a family did it when I was little I visited their house some times. yeah, they feed her and stuff, but they don't really talk to her and sometimes they made offensive jokes about her in front of her! I couldn't do ANYTHING at that time, its so sad to think about. I could have, I would have changed things if I was me now at that time. Its just so sad that they could do such things to people who're the very essence of their own existence.

yeah, of course its really hard to take care of the elderly. the most important thing is sincerety in doing those works. its life, its supposed to be hard.

so yeah, there i go, ranting about geriatrics. I just finished my geriatrics presentation on stroke. even though its just a 2-week-posting, it sure is a subject thats not to be taken for granted in real life.

the window, the rain and the fallen princess

okay, those are just the main characters for my poem. its untitled actually..hehe
urgh..so, here's my so-called poem. like I've said, its the first and only poem that I've ever made, and I made it in English class. its kinda modified a bit after class. its not really good or anything at all. so yeah, here it is, the poem thats made by a 15 year-old-me (if im not mistaken).

the raindrops splatter on my window
I stared out in the drenched scene
Its like the sky is crying
and the night is soaked with its grief
In this lovely powerful darkness
I lie await
Just like a princess on a diseased throne
After being stabbed by the shiny knight of treason
I wait because I'm helpless
I can't rise because I'm hopeless
So, I stay and wish for the vain happily ever after.

I dont even know what was I thinking. like, a diseased throne? sounds kinda morbid XD
so yeah, basically, I was just responding to the scenarios that my teacher said, like, "its raining" = "the raindrops splatter on my window". something like that. i cant really remember the rest. and yeah, i used to hate the rain, its wet and cold and it could make me feel just fatigue, i guess? i kinda like the rain now, it makes me sleep better XD.

anyways, yeah, my special poem, dedicated to the never ending downpour of rain~

a new year

hi, happy new year of 2009!! and so long 2008!

wow, seriously, a year has passed by. time flies so fast. so much memory in 2008. great things, awesome things, good things, so-so things, bad things, horrible terrible things. all those things help shape me. i just cant be more grateful to be alive and kicking.

we've been living at loads of different places, 2 houses in Sibu, then moved to Kuching then to Sarikei. there were loads of memories in those places. adjustment issues to the new places, and the unforgettable moments in our community posting, where we grew closer with each other, we had field trips, the friendly welcome from Kg Selalang's villagers, and our picnic at Kabong beach. *sigh* such wonderful memories!

i was feeling a bit stressful tonight. will relationship probs, studies, assignments, and exams. they're really tearing me apart! but thankfully, i had a talk with one of my good friend, and i dunno why it felt so easy to speak. just as i thought its me against the world... what a relief! and this friend has been so understanding and has given loads of good advice to me. a really huge appreciation and love from me ^^.

so yeah, its a new year, meaning a new beginning for me. a new year actually means nothing much to me. its just there to be my stepping stone for a change. like, a reason to start your plan.

i wanna be much stronger and better. less procrastinating, less bitchiness and just be better in the context that i want. and i'd love to remove the parasites, the unnecessary conflicts in my life. yeah, i've had overdosage of drama! XD though life's no fun without any drama. so, moderation is the key! ^^

a fresh start, its the thing that almost everyone needs. to the people i've hurt, im so sorry. to the people who've given me lots of support, i cant thank you guys enough, like seriously! to my rivals/enemies, watch out for the better me :P.

and to my fab four, lets do this! love you guys loads!

(lol, theme of the year: spread the love?? *choked* haha)

Night owl and Discrimination?

Dunno why lately, i've gotten sleepy SO early at night, like, i got sleepy at 10 or something. last time, i didnt even yawn at 2-3 am (so to speak XD). maybe i was just too used to bintangor's life style. we just didnt have much to do we went to bed so early and woke up so late in the morning XD.

anyways, i'd like to voice out something on stereotyping and discrimination. i really hate those things. and yet we stereotype and discriminate and being disrespectful towards others. like our psychiatrist said, "there's no such thing as "fair" in this world. otherwise, everyone would be the same." uh..thats deep, doc, dunno if i can dive that far XD.

the subject is quite sensitive, its just that i cant turn blind/deaf towards this thing. to make both sides happy..VERY tough. this side said, how could you not think of this being offensive to us. and the other said, how could you not understand that this is our belief. so both sides are quite not understanding to each other. im putting myself in shoes of both sides, and i find its hard to compromise, i think. this is just my opinion.

okay, so, tomorrow's the eid al-adha, when the Muslims sacrifice some cattle and the meat is given to the poor. and to some vegan, particularly indians here, some of them are my friends, they're quite offended by this tradition as in their religion cows are the sacred animal. especially when they saw the cows are being tied up in front of our apartment blocks.

true, the Muslims are the majority, but doesnt mean we can just ignore other's belief and being disrespectful. maybe they should have placed the cows in somewhere not so public? though, i know its kinda hard to hide those huge cows.

like, its a fact that animals are being slaughtered for food every single day. but it doesnt mean like, "heck, thousands of animals are being slaughtered already, being vegans wont change anything" and doesnt mean you should slaughter those animals in front of vegans. being respectful to each others beliefs is very important for a harmony unity life thing. also, if like, you're being insensitive/disrespectful towards others, how would you feel if they do the same discrimination to you? it wouldnt be good, ne? and later, it would lead to more serious complications like arguments, being enemies, hatred and those would lead to non-unity (okay, its so late, my brain cant think of the appropriate word XD).

so yeah, i know this is a sensitive issue. im just voicing out my opinions, and the point is, we've GOT to be more sensitive towards other people. so, no offense to both sides. i didnt mean to step on any toes, but if i did, im really sorry!

The trust issue

Hi~ I'm all alone now. My besties have gone back home or going to another town. so now, i got to spend some quality time with myself. ^^

as for the stuff that i said about being a confidate/confidantee, i think trust is the issue here. no offense, but love isnt the answer for everything.
its about trust really. and the principle here is all-or-nothing. like you've either got to trust that someone so much you can tell them anything, or you can just tell someone you dont even know (like a psychiatrist XD) about your problems. you dont trust them, but heck, you know they wont spill the beans to the others and they cant do any damage to your life.

the thing about trust, it takes a long time to build and quite a lot of effort for me. i dont trust people that easily. it depends though, like i'd spill my secrets to people who are close to me, or maybe i'd tell someone i dont really know about my secrets because i know they cant affect me. though, having someone you trust to talk with about your problems and secret is one of the most efficient way to relieve stress. i have had some friends that i trusted so much. i practically told them everything, i was totally open to them and all. also, i was so dependant on them. but changes happened. in such a short time, the tie that we made for a long time was suddenly chopped off. all the time and efforts i made to trust those people, all went down the drain. i was left behind, and since it takes me a long time to build another trust, its quite tough for me. i know changes happened, people grow up and all. but for them to completely leave me just like that, its just unforgivable! i think at some extent, its quite meaningless, useless to trust someone too much. and i hate being dependant to others.

okay, im not depressed XD. i just need to sort out my thinking and blow off some steam. yup, im quite sorted out now ^^. now i need to do some planning for the weekened~

Distance

Hum...I'm supposed to be preparing my slides for presentation tomorrow, but I have this unsettling feeling in my heart.

relationships are really complicated, no matter what it is: family, friendship, love, even enemies. Its just not such a simple superficial thing. I really dont know how to express this jumbled up feelings but im just gonna try. so i might sound a bit confused (like flight of ideas maybe XD)

well, in a relationship, we should know when to get involved and when to stay out. this thin line is really easy to cross over to each side. you can cross this line sometimes but in certain occasions it might result in bitter endings.

we have this defense mechanism which sometimes backfire, which is we sometimes hide our real feelings/emotions. no one really knows the real someone because we cant read thoughts. sometimes i dont wanna get involved with people around me. maybe im afraid of the truth? the closer you get to someone, the more you know bout them. im afraid i could find some reasons to damage the relationship. afraid that getting too involved in emotions would make your life messy and all. afraid to tell people your secrets because you're afraid of what they might think of you. afraid to show your vulnerable sides and look weak.

afterall, the word personality comes from persona which means "mask". everyone wears this.

so yeah, like, i might seem cold and uncaring, but i do care.

its just that both being a confidate and confidatee are pretty tough. finding someone you could trust with all your life and soul is hard, hum....for me that is. sorry i might seem self-obsessed sometimes. i really need someone to knock that off my head XD.

how do you trust someone with your deep dark secrets? how do you get close to people and gain their trust so they can pour their deep dark secrets to you? is it because our culture or our upbringings that doesnt really encourage expressions of our feelings or opinions and thoughts? is it because of our overly strong defensive mechanism? do we care too much of what people think of us? are we just too overtaken by our (maybe senseless) pride?

urgh..i dont know! >.<

hum...maybe its just... me..hehe

its raining~ bla bla bla

its been a while since it rained. so the rain today was really great. i love rain. its cold.
today, all the class has been canceled, so we're like having a day-off. i spent the day doing nothing but play The Sims 2 and Jojo's fashion show 2: las cruses. it got SO boring after a while! i really wanted to go shopping. i need another dose of my retail therapy! but my friends werent in their shopping mood. they have their own problems. so thats why recently i am quite addicted to online shopping. i shopped some blouses and dresses online. they're quite cheap too! but its really addictive and its too easy coz i can buy clothes with just a click of mouse. but kinda not as potent as real shopping, coz i cant really touch the fabric and see the details with my own eyes. but i shopped a lot nevertheless. shopping is just my passion.

and in friendship, communications and interactions are very important. a friendship or any relationship cant survive without a proper communication. i am not a talkative person, not quite an extrovert or a social animal, but im pretty open with my friends, especially my best friends. its quite interesting, really, to reminisce how we were when we first met. i didnt really want to get close to them, i was too attached to my old friends. but its like, i spend so much time with them, we get to know each other, and every little thing that happened, changes our friendship, whether to the better or worse. and now i cant really remember how we were when we were not yet best friends. now we can joke and tell secrets and consult and be honest to quite about everything. such an evolution is pretty interesting. sure, there are some traits that i dont quite like about them, and some of mine they dont like, but somehow we learn to accept and to compromise. we understand each other, we know what to speak, and what not to speak.

communication, its vital to life. but somehow loads of people have hard times to grasp its concept. I am, too, quite defective in communications.
as a quote in Grey's anatomy, "Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say."

humans talk to people they want to talk, preferably people they like or became comfortable with. humans wont talk to people they dont like because its human nature to avoid unpleasant stuff. or they talk nasty things to people they dont like. scientifically, its an instinct called "fight or flight". however morally, i dont know what the diagnosis is. its all grey.

yeah, whatever. i should get some sleep. sleep-deprivation isnt good for my brain, and i need it during the clinic tomorrow. should've read something just now..haha

oh oh, we are going to do some elective posting soon. my lecturer said there is an offer to make our elective posting in OSAKA, JAPAN!!! but only 6 places are available, so there may be some selection for the places!! T.T my besties dont seem too keen to go to Japan. I SO want it badly! but I dunno if i'd have enough money for the expenses. and we want to deliver babies too, to complete our ObGyn target to deliver 25 babies (Japan hospital may not allow us to deliver Japanese babies), so we might just have to choose to go to a local hospital (T.T). So im in dilemma right now. to see my beloved Japan and lose loads of money (which i wont care so much as its for Japan), or go to local's to deliver babies and complete ObGyn target??? waaaah!!

perspectives on real-life drama

love, what the heck is love? is it a big thing? a small thing? is it wonderful? is it blind? is it a gift from god? is it the devil's play? is it stupid? does it make you feel, look or do stupid?

well, its a lot of things. we cant really see thing from just one view, can we? we need to look at it from different perspectives. no judgment.

to see things from different views. kinda like
is that person pessimistic or just being realist?
is he idealist or just being optimistic?
is he selfish or just protecting himself?

well, something like that. a kinda huge drama has evolved. i tried not to care, since i dont really like dramas (i only like watching them on TV). but as the saying goes, you cant choose your family. in a psychological, selfish context, im stuck. in the morality context, im making a sacrifice for my loved ones. so which one is it? hehe.

so yeah, the core problem here is, love. dont wanna really go into details about this, coz its actually confidential! hehe. however in this case, love has made a person blind (psychologically) and has involved too much hope and faith. kinda like they have been watering this tree of love and the roots of hope and faith has gone waaaay down deep, its hard to extract it even though this tree of love has been pulled out. yup. gosh, how poetic can i be? haha

so yeah, sometimes we think like, how stupid A is? cant s/he see that B is just playing with her/him? but in faith context, where you can believe in anything illogical, A wont see the logic in it, A will just be focusing on the roots of faith and hope, emotions flowing, blinding everything, which in the scientific context, believing in something illogical and irrational. it then results in irrational and stupid behavior or thinking. scientifically speaking, with all due respect, no offense intended.

with some investigations, we can diagnose where the pathology is. thats science. but in moral, nothing is absolute. people can lie, and we havent really came up with a device to precisely detect lie levels in human's blood. therefore the etiology wont really be discovered and there are high chances of misdiagnosis.

maybe its karma? i do believe in karma, but the theory there is not so reliable. like, if a person got sick, doesnt mean he's a mean evil dude, right?

anyways, yeah, seems like i have too much time to blabber about these things. haha~
its just that there are a lot of things piling up inside of me. writing it down makes me feel better.
so, i'll sign off for now!

p/s: i hate this patient, X, like X suddenly was diagnosed with a terrible disease and is in denial, and is sad, depressed and totally devastated. and when we tried to help, X doesnt seem so grateful, and X is angry and acted like a total -whatever-. scientifically, its a normal reaction of sad people in denial. but morally, its just ungrateful and mean. like we tried to help X, but X didnt really want to accept it. one-way feeling will never work!

ciao~

regret and philosophy stuff?

its been a relaxing weekend for me. havent been doing anything cool, basically just stay home, watch TV or watch anime or any drama I have here. i am also crazy about grey's anatomy trivia right now, its like you have to answer loads of questions and compete against other grey's fans all over the world. its really additive XD.

well, last friday was the last day of forensic studies, we had an exam. theory part (MCQ and SAQ) was thankfully pretty easy and i could answer most of the questions *proud* buuut..the clinical part, OSCE was damn hard! well, i know i have been slacking off and those stupid monday blues and everything, but its really hard. i really hope we could pass!

you know, in one of my lecturer's notes, she said "fail to prepare, be prepared to fail" in big, bold, all-capital letters. you'd think we'd be scared out of our wits and struggle really hard so we wont fail. but nooo~! we chose to procrastinate and not to worry until we had to. and thats when everything is too late. irreversible damage! we've already known of this, but why do we keep failing ourselves??

its really true what those wise, genius, all poetic philosophers (or maybe its just some poetic but ordinary person?) said, "you'll never appreciate anything until its lost". im not so poetic myself, so yeah, something like that. like, in study, we keep putting things off, keep on saying "there IS tomorrow" not realizing we've wasted so much time and the same mistake keeps repeating itself. knowledge has to be appreciated. because knowledge is power, and without it we are nothing. so of course you cant take it for granted. i'd rather die than live without knowledge!

and, in relationships, sometimes we just dont appreciate the people around us. like me, i've lost lots of friends because of my ungratefulness and my laziness. i kept on saying "i'll text her later", "i'll reply her email/letter later", "i'll just call her later, she's just one click away from me". later became days, then weeks, then months and even years. then the friendship was all forgotten. i should've appreciated those people. make them feel appreciated, make them feel loved and needed. its just that its really sad when a friendship die just because of our laziness. keeping in touch with each other isnt so difficult. why do we keep on putting off replying someone's email when it takes just about 5 minutes?

okay okay, im getting out of the topic now XD. well, in a nutshell, i just feel like everything and everyone needs to be appreciated. human beings are complex (excluding idiots), a simple very unimportant action could lead to a gigantic very important consequence. but we, human, sometimes choose to run away from things. why? maybe its (again) because of our laziness to correct things up, or maybe our primitive ego is just too huge to be broken by a simple gesture. like we'd think its like admitting defeat? hum..something like that.

well then, i'd better go to sleep. tomorrow's the start of Ear, Nose and Throat posting. the book is already here, my spirits are up, i am invincible right now! :P

the hardest 3 words to say

and its not "I Love You"
its not "I am Sorry"
its not "You Are Right"

those are among the top hardest thing to say to another person. saying "I love you" to another person for the first time (e.g. crushes or even to the person you love from the bottom of your heart) is embarrassing. you'd think of failure of the confession? ruining your friendship? getting laughed at? or other 1000 reasons pessimistic or realist people would think about.

"I am sorry" with full meaning IS hard. meaningless apologies are easy, they're perhaps the most used lies and the easiest of all. Some people might think in saying apologies, they are wrong and defeated, or some would just want to let the guilt of their chest. sincere apologies are really golden.

"You are right" is almost the same as "I am Sorry". this is the hardest word when you're in an argument or in a fight. especially in selfish people, people who talk more than they listen. It is, too, a sign of defeat, admitting you're wrong, accepting someone else's opinion. Thus, this is perhaps the hardest words to say from egomaniacs. its not the hardest word of all for me though. I am quite flexible in accepting people's opinions and admitting that I am wrong. but then again, this depends on my mood at the time :P

aaand...for the hardest of the hardest 3-word-sentence you could say to another person..the sentence that will 99% hurt the feelings of the person (except the ones who are really, really close to you) and the cruelest of all, it is:

"Your Breath Stinks!"

yeah, I experienced the difficulty to say that to a friend today. i considered for a long time, i couldnt though, thats why I felt that its the hardest thing to say to people. temporary relief= eat some gum and offer some to that person ^.^b

My melancholic thoughts...

hi~ Liyana desu~
as my title said, I dunno why, maybe it was the exam just now, maybe I've over exerted myself over badminton, maybe I was sleep deprived...

maybe its the world circling around me...

thus, gloom washes over me. I resent everyone around me. I resent their acts, their words, almost everything.

I was just sitting alone..I think somebody did/said something inappropriate, when the thoughts downed on me about the people around me.

Ignorance is bliss? Deceive is to protect people?

That is what most of people around me do. Not everyone, just I've experienced loads of this bullshit in my life. even people who claims to be my friends. I reaaaally HATE it. when they concealed the truth, honest stuff just so someone wont get hurt, just so their reputation is not ruined. they dont express their opinions because they're afraid to be laughed at, or to get mad at.
and some stupid people act like they know everything and disrespect others' opinions. leading to unexpressed opinions, them pretending they agree on something they're not, then misunderstanding comes, thus leading to unnecessary fights/argument.

so this is so much a lose-lose situation.

and i hate it when everyone being someone they're not. I hate it when people do stupid stuff just to look cool, or laugh at unfunny jokes just to "fit in" the cool group. HELLO~ this is NOT high school!!!!

and i hate it when people pretend to be all good, rainbowish, butterflyish, flowerish, angelish, sunshineish, fluffy clouds on the blue skyish happy ALL THE TIME. they dont express their feeling when they're mad or upset (unlike me, thus many people said i'm intimidating :P). god, i've even been labeled as "BAD" because i said something that i was not happy with!! (where is the democracy or whatever the heck it is in this small world of mine??!) its like i can just have some fun time with my friends, but i cant tell them my problems coz they wont understand coz they have perfect family and perfect life, so an imperfect life of someone like me, they'd just look puzzled and surprised as if its the weirdest thing in the world that someone would face such problems and start saying inappropriate things which really would make me more depressed than before telling them. then it'd end up with my problems not fixed and i'd be feeling worse than ever. so i've stopped telling them anything thats wrong with me.

I feel like I'm gonna blow off with anger, but my energy is too much drained, so the sadness of why I was being born/being placed in this place drowned me. maybe other parts of malaysia, its different. but i dunno why... were we brought up to be so inexpressive/introvert/to conceal all bad stuff/to pretend everything's ok when they're not? why is it hard for those people to accept other's opinions, or opinions that contradict theirs? why is it they think there is all sunshineish happyish when someone can be unhappy? why cant they understand that they are being immature and idiotic? WHY??

the only time i can be completely free with other people is when im with certain members of my family and a friend or two. thats why its so depressing, coz everyone of them is so far away and when i feel like talking with someone about something unspeakable to people here, i'll just sit and think of whom I can talk with, but in the end, feeling lost, lonely, angry and sad. baka janai??!

now that i myself feel better after expressing all this...i wonder how am i gonna face those people without thinking how ignorant they are?

am i being too emotional? am i the one who's wrong here coz i dont understand them? am i the one who's afraid to open up to people? i wanna know how the world is on their perspective, but i dont think i can grasp how narrow they think. i dont think i can change this damaged world around me, and i hope i wont be like them. i just dont wanna turn into one of them!

yup, that is all of my unspeakable melancholic thoughts~