near death

okay, that may be too much...

but..just now, I had an episode, where my head went spinning 360 degrees in slow motion...like whooooo~~~ (wooooozyyy!!)
its a really weird feeling, since I've never ever fainted in my whole life (well, except when I nearly had a syncope attack when I was in a marching competition in high school :P)
It may be hypoglycemia, since I haven't eaten since lunch because I spent my lunch hour napping... or dehydration...or I think it mostly caused by sleep deprivation, since we spend most of our night in the OT when I was oncall last night.

then...it kinda made me wonder, what if this is how people feel when they're near to death?
what if we faint and never get to get up again??
like, it happens out of a sudden, without any warning

gosh, its scary to like, die.. without any warning
and like, alone
and like, not ready
AT ALL

okay, I'm not really a pious person... sometimes I miss my solat, I bitch about people, I lie, I make my parents angry, I make people angry etc etc.
so yeah, thats why its understandable to be scared of death, because we're not well prepared to meet our Creator.
kinda like having exam scares, because we're not prepared to meet the lecturers.

so, its kinda like a wake up call to me. I have to appreciate life more, and be closer to God as much as I can. because even though we're scientists, we need faith to be spiritually healthy as well, to be healthy as a wholesome individual.

so yeah, I'll be good. I wanna be better!

errr....and good night, I need some sleep now

play pretend

when you've given up on making things actually better.
the other alternative, shut down your emotions
and play pretend :P

btw, my main distraction of my stress now is I'm gonna redecorate my bedroom.
Its a REAALLY messy place right now, just because I don't feel like tidying it up. Hee...mom's gonna flip if she saw the state of my room right now :P
But, seriously, I wanna turn it into my sanctuary, relaxing, soothing, and totally ME! ME! ME!


Step 1: change curtain (plan on Saturday)
ideas:
1. white curtain with black lace
2. black curtain
3. black and white damask curtain (seems like impossible to find this pattern though!! argh!)

alright, one step at a time..can't wait!!!

The dark side

lately I feel so demotivated
like, I don't feel happy most of the time
I'm angry, I'm upset, I'm sick of everything
I'm anhedonic, I don't even feel like shopping.

I keep on asking, where does everything go wrong?
Is it him? Is it her? Is it them? Is it ME?
am I the source of my own happiness?
What do I do wrong? I keep on trying and trying, but all "it" sees is mistakes.
No appreciation. I feel like shit.

What is my purpose? What's the reason to live? What's the reason to wake up in the morning?
Why am I unhappy? What should I do?
Confront my enemies? That would make things worse
Keep on thinking of angry thoughts and revenge? That would kill my mind, slowly and deadly
Distractions? That would not cure the cause
Solving the problem? err....can I really solve it? because my solution would be rejected
Walk away? I'd love to. But it wouldn't solve anything, besides, it would make "it" happy that "it" had beaten me. so I wouldn't want that.

So, I really dunno what to do.
Reward myself? Can I feel the relief? Its just like adding some delicious cream on top of a crappy tasting cake.
Punish myself? Can I feel the redemption? Will my pain relief my suffering, or just another distraction from the real problem?

And why do people always generalize? stereotyping? being bias? I hate to be punished from generalization, not because of my own mistakes. "It" makes assumptions. Talk behind my back. Have "it" ever asked me why? The reasons behind my actions? Oh, I forgot... "it" doesn't have the capacity to accept rationalizations from someone "it" hates. "It's" emotions pollute "it:s reasoning, therefore "it" wouldn't be able to think that what I said is honest and sincere from my heart, without any intention of being aggressive and destructive.

So much for a 21st century community. I can really feel my mind and soul are slowly decaying.

God, only you are the source of my strength. Without you, I'd definitely had gone off somewhere bad.
Please gimme something that can make me feel more alive. Maybe make me grow some wings so I can just fly away and feel FREE!

Gimme something... that can make me feel.... INNER PEACE!

P.S. I really miss my family and BFFs! you guys are my life! XOXO

Gimme some time

when I fell down....
Please allow me some time to cry, to be sad, to dwell in my sorrow
Please allow me some time to lick my wounds
Please allow me some time to heal

Before I pick myself up

Human make mistakes, but is the mistakes all you can see?

road less taken!

today I took my last dose of Augmentin, which is really great, because I, like other normal people, kinda hate taking pills, especially in my OCD state, I had to follow the time and all that. So, its been a week since I was awfully sick! I love being well again!

Anyway, last weekend, I went to Bintulu for my friend's wedding! I had to drive alone to Bintulu, which would take ~2 1/2 - 3 hours of drive..its kinda scary at first, but when I started driving, I had sooo much fun! Its mildly enlightening, with the sceneries, and my repeated CD play.  besides, I took the "old" road, which has less drivers, but the road is quite bumpy and all..but the journey is the most important thing..thats why I love, the road less taken.

beginning of the journey!

okay, I totally slow down to get all the pics! pls dont do this anywhere! :P

me with the bride! posing gitewww~

anyways, we went to the wedding (congrats to Kunnoe for the wedding!!!), and the fun time was when I met some of my high school friends! and I stayed at Yan's house (thanks Yan for the awesome stay and cute cats!!)

so now, hurm.....back to work... errr...why do I kinda always dislike my job? I need some soul searching to do... haha

state of glum

I'm sick and alone... its so depressing
I wanna eat but I lost my appetite
I wanna read but my head's all haywired
I wanna go home, but I'm stuck here

seriously, people said its easy to find friends to laugh with, but friends to cry/whine/bitch with, they're so rare and invaluable. some people are kinda like "blah blah blah, u whine so much and feelings are for looooosers! forget about the worries, we're here to have fun! hahahahahahaha"
and im not saying that we should cry/whine/bitch all the time like the emo people..there has to be a balance in everything!
therefore, I'm not an expressive person in general. I only chose to disclose my feelings to people who're close and precious to me..and heck, I miss them all very much in this dire time.

homesick

I have URTI 1 week ago...but just started having fever since yesterday..

n yesterday, the ortho department organized a futsal game, which I joined too, despite being oncall (passive). needless to say, since I'm fully living a sedentary lifestyle, the game seriously beat me. well, its kinda fun during the game (though my stamina's totally zero, and my aim sucks real bad), we laughed and had a great time..it was FUN!

then I went back to hospital, straightaway went to OT for a wound debridement, at that time, I still feel kinda well coz of all the endorphines.

then I slept..and when I woke up, I hurt like, EVERYWHERE! and my fever got worse coz I slept in a room thats too cold. god, its really killing me...since I have chills and rigors since this evening and every movement is excruciating!!!

and I'm all alone coz my housemate is oncall... I really miss my family...someone to take care of me when I'm sick..huhu..

I wish I'll be better tomorrow, because taking a sick leave would mean deducting it from my 8days/4 months leave..*sigh*

God, please heal me..

hear me, please?

I hate to get pulled in a discussion in which every opinions I have is rejected.
Like, when I tried my best to answer some questions, everything I said is brushed off.
Kinda makes me feel like stupid, and yeah, pretty useless in that group.
Err...I don't get it..why bother asking people to be active in a discussion when you couldn't even listen to other people's opinions?
Like, its a discussion, for God's sake...for people changing "opinions", in case you dunno what that means, it means people's point of view, which may not be a fact, it can be right or wrong.

maybe in their head, I seem to be not knowing about anything... but in my point of view, they are just narrow-minded people, who have 1950's brains.

Urgh..its just NO fun, getting dragged in a discussion with STUBBORN idiots.