awesome dream!

i had a really awesome dream last night. I was FLYING~ i had to wave my arms like i was swimming though. and i was inside a building that looked like a hotel and i was flying from floor to floor with no apparent reasons. but its still awesome. i felt so free and all.

i've had some other flying dreams before. once, i was able to fly with the music. like i could fly only if there's any music playing. i kinda remember my self answering to "how do you do that?" from other people, i said, "i dunno, its kinda easy for me, just go with the flow of the music"! XD. i wish it was THAT easy!

and another one, i was a vampire, and i was flying at the dark sky at a starless night. it was so dark, and i felt the wind on my face, and my beautiful black dress flapping around me while i was flying. this was awesome too. like i felt so free and so powerful.

flying is so awesome!

Stress: the outcomes

the ophthalmology and A&E exam is 3 days away. Its SOOO stressful!
So, when I'm stressed, there are 3 outcomes

1. hit rock-bottom
I'd bring my stress or sadness to the lowest level of all. and this is when i'd feel like crying even though its just a small matter thing. so yeah, I'd be extremely sad and devastated, where i'd feel hopeless and useless. and I'd cry my freaking eyes out. like, let it ALL out. after all the tears has been dried up, I'd feel a LOT better, and I would rise above once again.

2. fly up-high
Hum...this is when I'd channel all the negative energy into one huge energy. I'd do kick boxing (this really works if the stress came from someone..hehe), dance, sing out loud, run, and last but never the least, RETAIL THERAPY!

those two methods above would require quite some time. so, if i dont have much time to mourn or go crazy, i'd choose the last method, though this is quite difficult

3. analyze problem and do things that would optimize my performance the most
so yeah, think about the problem, analyze my solutions, and think that I've done my very best, this is the best I've done and accept that failure is always the outcome of everything. So, with the thought of "omg, I havent read this and this, how can i pass this? oh, its okay, i'll just study as much as I can and fight the exam paper as hard as I can, and if i failed, i know i've done my best, so its quite ok.", i'd do okay. of course its not 100% okay, but its better to do something and fail, than do nothing and fail. some people would say, "well, if we're sure that we'd fail, why bother trying??"

i'd say, if I've given my best effort and yet I'd still fail, it sucks, but it'd suck more if i didnt try. the "what if" questions would haunt me. like some people have said, the regret of NOT doing something is worse than the regret when you did something regrettable.
so yeah, this will make me realize that i have to work my head off to beat the exam as much as i can. oh and sometimes stress or some problem would obstruct your thinking, and you'd start thinking immaturely towards the problem and then acting immaturely of the solutions. like you wouldnt realize this, but someone else would. so, it'd help a lot to analyze the problem from different perspectives, and the problem might be actually only a small matter that can be solved with a simple solution! (this feeling is so great, like you can breath again XD). and if its worse on the different perspectives, you can always work your brain for more solutions.


so, these are the ways i manage my stress. it varies with people though. some would prefer walking, fresh air or a cup of tea to take their stress away. its better to handle your stress, and move on with life (like the overly used phrase of Life Goes On :P) than to let it drown you, and making you more useless than ever.

my bruise

it looks kinda weird today. everyone's kinda surprised at the look of it. on impact, its kinda reddish, then next day, its bluish, not really as big as it is now. then it turned blackish, reddish and some greenish-yellowish margin surrounding it. and now the reddish area got bigger. it shows that my blood clot in the bruise has gone some lysis and is healing.

cataract surgery

i forgot to post about this in my blog yesterday. so yeah, yesterday morning, i went to the eye OT for the first time. Mr. Asok was the surgeon and i observed him do phacoemulsion for an immature cataract and extracapsular cataract extraction (ECCE)
for a mature cataract.


eye surgery is all about microscopic surgery. so you'd have to have REALLY steady hands to be an ophthalmologist. the cataract surgeries were really cool though. i love watching them!

hiya~

mom went home today. i didnt get to see her off at the airport because i was in class, presenting the seminar on paediatric ophthalmology. my presentation was pretty short. i presented on ophthalmia neonatorum and i think the presentation was quite good. i miss my mom eventhough im going home by next week, after the exam. like, exam-again! i hate this 4th year, there are too many exams.

oh, yesterday i met a long lost friend, Zil. i was so surprised. seems like she's changed in appearance but her attitude hasnt changed much. we talked a lot, she asked me out but i was too tired after netball. its just SO nice to meet an old friend. its always awkward when you meet an old friend. coz they have changed, you have changed, and the memory of the relationship is always frozen at the time when you last met. so yeah, its interesting. i miss my old friends. hope i can catch up with them soon.

my love! T.T

huu...im SO sad that we lost. we're the silver medalists.. there were a lot of things that contributed to the loss. first, our defense was not so good. then, i got too over confident and missed some important shoots. and a lot of things. harmony between team members, the fierceness, hum..i dunno, i think our efforts, and i know that my efforts were kinda moderate. thats why we werent the no. 1. our teammates suffer some injuries. i have abrasions and bruises on my knees and elbow. and blisters on my toes. all that and i got 2nd?? it kinda stinks. and im such a sore loser!

hehe..all the bitterness aside, i think the whole game is quite fun. i havent played for such a long time. so its pretty thrilling. i just hate the court coz its much smaller than the standard. and the referees werent so good. all in all, its been a fun experience. arigato, everyone~

My love, netball~

hey hey, im back at my room. last night i stayed with my mom at Holiday Inn, because she's attending something about teacher union meeting there, so i accompanied my mom. my mom's roommate, a teacher from Miri, is kinda freaky. like, she told my mom like, totally everything about her pitiful life. she kinda said things like, "im a sad person", "i have no friends at work, nobody likes me", "im never lucky in love", "im always cheated by my bfs", etc etc. she even cried while telling my mom all those stuff. i didnt know how to handle it, so i pretended to sleep. i mean, its like really weird to tell all that stuff to a person whom you've never met before. and she's a cleaning freak too. she cleaned my stuff (im not actually the tidiest person on earth) so much that the room service didnt have much to do. i guess thats kinda good, but the purpose of staying in a luxurious hotel is that you are to be spoiled. hehe. anyways yeah, and my mom told me that she told my mom that she doesnt really like me! so im so not gonna stay there tonight.

besides!!
i have a netball match tomorrow!!!! im SOOOOOOO excited right now!! i havent really play a real game of netball since forever!! omg, i really hope we'll win!! i was SOO nervous i puked just now!! well, actually thats because i had a bit of gastritis coz i didnt eat lunch and went straight to training! XD i injured some fingers at training, but they're getting better now. even if they're hurting, i wont let that stop me from winning the game!! I REALLY WANNA WIN THIS!!
ganbatte!!!

its raining~ bla bla bla

its been a while since it rained. so the rain today was really great. i love rain. its cold.
today, all the class has been canceled, so we're like having a day-off. i spent the day doing nothing but play The Sims 2 and Jojo's fashion show 2: las cruses. it got SO boring after a while! i really wanted to go shopping. i need another dose of my retail therapy! but my friends werent in their shopping mood. they have their own problems. so thats why recently i am quite addicted to online shopping. i shopped some blouses and dresses online. they're quite cheap too! but its really addictive and its too easy coz i can buy clothes with just a click of mouse. but kinda not as potent as real shopping, coz i cant really touch the fabric and see the details with my own eyes. but i shopped a lot nevertheless. shopping is just my passion.

and in friendship, communications and interactions are very important. a friendship or any relationship cant survive without a proper communication. i am not a talkative person, not quite an extrovert or a social animal, but im pretty open with my friends, especially my best friends. its quite interesting, really, to reminisce how we were when we first met. i didnt really want to get close to them, i was too attached to my old friends. but its like, i spend so much time with them, we get to know each other, and every little thing that happened, changes our friendship, whether to the better or worse. and now i cant really remember how we were when we were not yet best friends. now we can joke and tell secrets and consult and be honest to quite about everything. such an evolution is pretty interesting. sure, there are some traits that i dont quite like about them, and some of mine they dont like, but somehow we learn to accept and to compromise. we understand each other, we know what to speak, and what not to speak.

communication, its vital to life. but somehow loads of people have hard times to grasp its concept. I am, too, quite defective in communications.
as a quote in Grey's anatomy, "Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say."

humans talk to people they want to talk, preferably people they like or became comfortable with. humans wont talk to people they dont like because its human nature to avoid unpleasant stuff. or they talk nasty things to people they dont like. scientifically, its an instinct called "fight or flight". however morally, i dont know what the diagnosis is. its all grey.

yeah, whatever. i should get some sleep. sleep-deprivation isnt good for my brain, and i need it during the clinic tomorrow. should've read something just now..haha

oh oh, we are going to do some elective posting soon. my lecturer said there is an offer to make our elective posting in OSAKA, JAPAN!!! but only 6 places are available, so there may be some selection for the places!! T.T my besties dont seem too keen to go to Japan. I SO want it badly! but I dunno if i'd have enough money for the expenses. and we want to deliver babies too, to complete our ObGyn target to deliver 25 babies (Japan hospital may not allow us to deliver Japanese babies), so we might just have to choose to go to a local hospital (T.T). So im in dilemma right now. to see my beloved Japan and lose loads of money (which i wont care so much as its for Japan), or go to local's to deliver babies and complete ObGyn target??? waaaah!!

perspectives on real-life drama

love, what the heck is love? is it a big thing? a small thing? is it wonderful? is it blind? is it a gift from god? is it the devil's play? is it stupid? does it make you feel, look or do stupid?

well, its a lot of things. we cant really see thing from just one view, can we? we need to look at it from different perspectives. no judgment.

to see things from different views. kinda like
is that person pessimistic or just being realist?
is he idealist or just being optimistic?
is he selfish or just protecting himself?

well, something like that. a kinda huge drama has evolved. i tried not to care, since i dont really like dramas (i only like watching them on TV). but as the saying goes, you cant choose your family. in a psychological, selfish context, im stuck. in the morality context, im making a sacrifice for my loved ones. so which one is it? hehe.

so yeah, the core problem here is, love. dont wanna really go into details about this, coz its actually confidential! hehe. however in this case, love has made a person blind (psychologically) and has involved too much hope and faith. kinda like they have been watering this tree of love and the roots of hope and faith has gone waaaay down deep, its hard to extract it even though this tree of love has been pulled out. yup. gosh, how poetic can i be? haha

so yeah, sometimes we think like, how stupid A is? cant s/he see that B is just playing with her/him? but in faith context, where you can believe in anything illogical, A wont see the logic in it, A will just be focusing on the roots of faith and hope, emotions flowing, blinding everything, which in the scientific context, believing in something illogical and irrational. it then results in irrational and stupid behavior or thinking. scientifically speaking, with all due respect, no offense intended.

with some investigations, we can diagnose where the pathology is. thats science. but in moral, nothing is absolute. people can lie, and we havent really came up with a device to precisely detect lie levels in human's blood. therefore the etiology wont really be discovered and there are high chances of misdiagnosis.

maybe its karma? i do believe in karma, but the theory there is not so reliable. like, if a person got sick, doesnt mean he's a mean evil dude, right?

anyways, yeah, seems like i have too much time to blabber about these things. haha~
its just that there are a lot of things piling up inside of me. writing it down makes me feel better.
so, i'll sign off for now!

p/s: i hate this patient, X, like X suddenly was diagnosed with a terrible disease and is in denial, and is sad, depressed and totally devastated. and when we tried to help, X doesnt seem so grateful, and X is angry and acted like a total -whatever-. scientifically, its a normal reaction of sad people in denial. but morally, its just ungrateful and mean. like we tried to help X, but X didnt really want to accept it. one-way feeling will never work!

ciao~

end of the weekend!

the past week has been VEEERRRYY busy! im in the ophthalmology posting now. its all about the eyes. anyone'd say, its just about the eyes, its just a tiny organ, whats so difficult about it?? and that anyone couldnt be so wrong. there are so many things that can happen to the eyes. so many things.
and to top it off, the doctor, i'd like to call Dr Glare, coz he likes to glare, kinda like his bad habit -.-;. and he, HATES us HATES us. he's really sarcastic too, and he likes to curse when we answered or do something wrong. and he likes to call us rubbish, liar, horrible, terrible, well, any negative word you can ever imagine. who would want to learn from someone who doesnt want to teach you? i've met some tyrannical lecturers, but this is quite the first time i met someone who really HATES students.

he likes to ask what he called "the basics of basics", like "what does the McConkey agar composed of?". like, duh! we didnt even learn that in CDL posting.
and when we couldnt answer it, he'd pull this smug grin and said we're rubbish, and we wouldnt be able to answer other doctor's question and we'd be rock-bottom doctors. like, hello! does the composition of McConkey agar help us in managing the patient??

and for his freaking information, we can answer the specialist's questions like, the eye signs of optic neuritis etc etc. and he's not even a specialist yet. its kinda spoiling the mood when you feel like you're starting to like some subject and a horrible person, which will lead to horrible memories, and finally leading to horrible feelings towards the subject.

anyways, yesterday, the whole Kuching had a black out. like a MAJOR blackout, like in-the-total-total-darkness blackout! Mel and I went out last night and we witnessed Kuching in chaos. the streets were all dark, the traffic lights were all dysfunction, and cars were stuck everywhere. only half an hour later the traffic police came to sort the traffic. funnily, its pretty cool XD.

Aso-sensei desu!

konnichiwa~
this morning we had a lecture with a neurosurgeon, and he's from JAPAN~
he taught us anatomy, its really great! he said he's been working here for quite some time now. he also learned a bit of Malay language. he's nice, i love his lectures, and the japanese part. his lectures are all in japanese fonts though, so we had a taste on how japanese medical students learn japanese medical stuff.

its kinda cute how he said optiku nervu, heado trauma, waia, those stuff. XD
he also said really inspirational stuff, like how malaysia has much fewer education, fewer medical staff, fewer university hospital and fewer specialist (especially neurosurgeon) than japan. so he wants us to teach the "young generation" when we've became doctors, and write our own medical textbooks. so yeah, im inspired.

anyways, im supposed to be happy its weekend now, but not this time. our posting in A&E extends till sunday. *sigh*