My dear marudi

Oh god... I cant believe I havent blogged about this. Moving from miri to marudi is one of a life changing decision I've ever taken. I'm transferring to marudi for work, of course.. Gonna start my first step as a medical officer there. Um...actually, I'm doing pretty okay now since I'm settling in. But here's the drama that I wrote on my diary app thingy..haha

"Its day 5 here in Marudi. I am still a mess. Its the new place, which is a really small town. The houses mostly look old, so when I first saw the town, I felt like I was back in the 80s. The roads are narrow, and people drive at 40km/h at most. At nights you can hear all sorts of crickets and bugs, and when it rains, the frogs and bugs were all out busting an orchestra. I'm staying at a new house. Everyone is new here. I felt the utmost feeling of loneliness. I feel homesick, missing my bestfriends, missing my old home. I started thinking of my previous routines, how i've missed the familiarity and the comfort of something known. Sometimes I feel like I cant do this! This is crap! I started whining, and throwing emotional tantrums. Sometimes I try to cheer myself up with positive thoughts..but its like trying to hold water in your hands. Its gonna take some time till I'm okay, because currently I'm just not okay."

posted from Bloggeroid

*bleep*

me seeing a good friend, X, and the other not so good friend, Mr. Goody.

Me: hey, long time no see.. I miss you, bitch!!
Mr. Goody: omg! I can't BELIEVE you just said THAT!
Me: omg, I totally did it, didn't I? F*ck me, right??

err... I didn't actually say that...coz cursing is baad, horrible, terrible, awful, dreadful, painful, the biggest sin ever! and people who curse are criminals, lowlifers, hiphoppers, hiphoppers wannabe, gangsters wannabe, n00b gamers, wizards...errr...okayyy, thats getting old :P

anyways, I dont mind a couple of swear words. they're just some expressions of anger/frustration/negative feelings. like, mostly people wouldn't actually mean what they're cursing, they're just some words to show that they're upset. But, I do find people who curse all the time and out of context can be really fucking annoying...oops..remember, moderation is the key!

why the drama?

Sometimes you know when you think too much...and you wonder,

I wish I didn't think too much
I wish I'd lived my life simpler
I wish I didn't buy the huge-assed wardrobe and huge-assed king size bed which are pain in the ass to move out of the house.

But, whats life without the drama? At some point, it IS living life simpler, where I didnt put much thought into it and just went with my crazy gut to buy those gianormous furnitures just cause they're pretty. Paradoxically, it has made my life complicated.

Applicable at other aspects of life.

I love you, life. Thanks for everything. Really.

of hopes and dreams

if you're not the boss, you're always controlled by "the man". heck, even bosses have bosses.

I am a free-spirited, why chain me?
I have hopes and dreams, why wont you care?
I have fears and doubts, why wont you listen?

Because changes are scary, they're something new, something foreign, something unfamiliar.
Therefore its scary.
Maybe its a blessing in disguise?
I dunno what to do?
If I stay, is it for me? or for whom?
If I go, is it for me? or do I have anything left, anyone to miss or be missed?

motip aku ala2 berpuisi tgh2 mlm buta tok :P

My job: I love him, I love him not

I love writing in my blog. its the only media I write stuff I really feel like saying... I dont give a damn about people in facebook or twitter. In those areas, I'd resort to passive aggressive comments to people I'm pissed off at. This is different. This is my place, my own, my precioussss :D

My life is quite crazy at the moment. As usual, in Miri Hospital, there arent always enough housemans (or housemen? i really dont know :P). currently there are 4 of us in male medical ward (which is always full to the brim with patients), and 2 of them are first posters. They are learning, we're still learning. I have to wake up at 5am every morning, got to ward around 6am to finish round. And I'm always on call, I basically live in the hospital. Like, my big-sized facial wash is in the ward and I'm using the travel size at home! wth??

Yeah, I complained a lot about my job. I don't want to complain because it's my job..but i need to because I'm a human. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. I've been in this love-hate relationship with my job for so long. and it has made me feel dead, and alive at the same time. It will never get easier, you'll just have to get better.

I've sacrificed my life, my family time, my love life for my patients. Karma, please be good to me :P

chain of screaming

When somebody did/said something awful to us, we would always say, "I swear I wouldn't do such a thing to other people next time".. but then, later came, and you did/said exactly what the awful person did to you, to another person (and its worse because you already know how suck-y the other person must be feeling)

and we will come up with something reasonable to justify what we did, no matter how much we know it'd hurt the other person.

we are selfish, sometimes. its just how the world roll.

Mood Swings

When I was little, I was a quiet, very very introverted person. As usual, being compared to my elder sister (who's basically my twin because we're just 1 year apart), who was always temperamental, she's like the fire and I was the water. I was calm and collected. I kept everything to myself, and I didn't know how to voice out my feelings.

Then growing up, finding that my life, my home wasn't perfect, there were conflicts here and there. I hated it. All the negatives, even though I was away for studies, they affected me real bad. People used to come to me to pour out everything. Maybe because of my calm peaceful image, people assume I was very level-headed and I could take it all peacefully. I had to be strong for them. I couldn't break down, I couldn't shed my tears for them. But I wasn't all that peaceful. I grew angry, bitter, hateful of the negative things. I hated how people couldn't see how bad they were hurting themselves and our family. and I hated the fact that we were not aggressive enough in dealing with the problems, and I hated the most when I wasn't able to do anything to help. I was always angry.

Then I found the strength to voice out my anger. It wasn't the right thing, maybe. I expressed everything factually, regardless of anyone's feelings. I felt like I just wanted to say whatever I think, without caring how people react or feel about it. It gave me some kind of a relief, than bottling it all up inside. Also, I became a control freak, I believed that I could change everything, that I could at least affect other people's actions, or whatever I felt was right. And when things didn't go my way, I hated it, I got angry. It was tiring, being angry and feeling negative.

Then, I don't know, maybe I got some kind of epiphany...like I realized if I was treated the way people were treated by me, I wouldn't like it either. So I learned to let go of the anger. Learned to enjoy the journey, smell the flowers along the way. Learned that its okay not to be okay once in a while. that perfect isn't everything. I have came at peace with my wrath. Maybe I would bitch once in a while in twitter, but hey, its okay to let off some steam in a harmless way :)

The world is not beautiful, therefore it is. Kino no Tabi -the Beautiful World-

All by myself

Sometimes I feel like I can't connect with most people. Like disconnected in my own world.
It gets lonely sometimes, but that's just me. We all got those moments, I guess?
Sometimes it sucks, sometimes its all I need, time all for myself.
I have came to accept it. Came at peace with it!

Can't Shan't Won't

I'm kinda getting sick and tired of people trying to tell me how I live my life.

"you should change this or that"
"you should get this or that"
"you should like this or that"
"you should hate this or that"
"you should be this or that"

I hate being forced. I know it when I feel it. Like someone trying to bend or shape something like a metal rod. It would feel contrived and constrained.

They think I was born yesterday.
They think they are above me.
They think they can control me.
They think they can create me.

Don't get me wrong, I can accept constructive criticism, and I keep open arms with improvising suggestions or thoughts. I like listening/trying new ideas, and explore, because that's how you expand your knowledge about anything, improving yourself physically, mentally, emotionally and fashionably! Yes, we all need guidance in life. No point being a stubborn and egoistical, but stuck in a rut!

I just don't like how some people want me to be somebody I'm not. Sometimes I admit I did lose myself once in a while, being what people expect me to be, not what I myself want to be. And that feeling sucks! And I reel back the real me up to the surface before I totally lost it. Like, oh honey, I know what I want already, and I'm gonna get it with or without your help! So, beat it!

Nothing to Lose??

Because sometimes I do think about, what if I care about nothing in the world, living life as it is, no responsibilities, no boundaries, no rules, no bossy bosses, like there's nothing to lose in life.


It sounds free and fun! Like I can do ANYTHING I want, and I wouldn't care less. Unstoppable.



But, unfortunately, life doesn't work that way, honey. The more at stake, the higher the price are. No pain, no gain, labour has a bitter root, but a sweet taste, etc etc. 
and I dont wanna live an empty life. I dont wanna be them. ever!

Its the pain of getting what you want, defending your honour and that makes it all worth while
Having a victory for whats worth fighting for
When we learn how to be strong, sometimes in the hard way
The pride when we know how strong we really are.


So yeah, I absolutely have something to lose in life. I'm gonna fight for it. I will lose some and win some. I hope all of this will make me a better, stronger me!


It's good to be scared. It means you still have something to lose. - Richard Weber, Grey's Anatomy

Sometimes I was dramatique

Sometimes i feel like i want to shout it all out! Sometimes i feel like i just want to be alone. Sometimes i feel like i was so high, im untouchable. Sometimes i feel i hit rock bottom i dont even matter. Sometimes i feel like you totally get me. Sometimes i feel like you dont know me at all. Sometimes im a fighter i'd die kicking. Sometimes im tired of all the fights, i'd just run away.


But its okay. Im feeling all high and low. My feelings are all am dramatic turmoil in me. I tried to be in control most of the times...but sometimes they're just raging and took control over me. Its okay if you dont know me and I dont know you. What life is without the mystery?

new year? just a beginning of a date!

Why people get excited about the new year? its just waking up to another day, right?
and people are raving about 20.12.2012
I think the celebration is because we all crave for a new start, so we try to find the reason for a new beginning.

my resolutions? I just wanna be better. In whatever.
Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, fashionably (yessss!)

The quest of finding myself is neverending.

So yeah, hope we're able to find whatever we seek for. Even if we didnt get what we originally want, I hope the journey will make us get whatever we need!

Welcome, 2012!

my dreamland, my own

yessss... I'm a dreamer.

I just loooove to dream...

whenever people telling me long, boring stories

in a boring meeting

in a boring presentation

while walking

while driving

while sleeping...

I just love it.
I dream about...
fashion...alwaysss thinking of themes and styles that I'd love and like to try on
couture...owning couturiere stuff, and shopping at like, Saks Fifth Avenue like nobody's business
interior design...like how to decorate my car/room/house or even designing my own future dream house!
travel...to other places, meeting cute guys in snow..hahaha
fantasy...like having wings, i love black feathery ones, kinda like a dark angel, and flying around

and the other dreams, like
revenge....crushing the face of someone I hate, pushing them off cliffs, or setting a hungry vicious Rottweiler on them, errr...dont get me started
people make over...like imagining the people in front of me with different styles and clothes, what should be changed, what should not be worn in public eye etc.
crazyyy...like, if i was stuck in a situation that i'd really like to get out of...i started to dream that if I could, I would be a transforming werewolf...like i would be all like, "i dont wanna change", "someone stop me!" but...there nothing anyone can do, and i keep transforming, claws growing out of my nails, fangs popping out my teeth, i'd get all furry and fury, trashing around, destroying all the things in the midst, glass shattered, walls rumbling down, floor shaking, people running and screaming around, maybe i could catch someone or two (maybe that boring person who made me start daydreaming, or someone i dislike)....... oh yeah, that was fun, wasnt it?!!


so yeah, when life gets hard, I love to run away to my dreams land, where everything is just right!

Eclipse watch @ 10/12/11

hum...just wanna write about the yesterday's lunar eclipse.
TOTALLY amazing!!
My friend, kunnoe, invited me to come with some nature lovers to a place to watch the eclipse.
its really fun because they have all these fancy telescope.
like, I could totally see the crates on the moon! Just lovely.

Oh, and the place was quite far from Miri, about 30mins drive. at first I was kinda like, apprehensive, because its a long ride on a dark, lonely road. but the view was totally worth it!
its kinda like at a cliff overseeing a beach.
the beach was awesome! the waves were crashing on the sand violently, the wind was magnificent, we were bathed by the pure moon light.
i think its one of the most beautiful views everrrr!

this is jupiter! my 1st time seeing it~ hello, jupiter!

my bff, Kunnoe...thanks for the great time! :)

Etiquettology of borrowing

I would like to believe that common courtesy is the primary rule of harmonious living.
I would like to believe that it still exists.

I am very particular about my stuff, my belongings. I'd like to be owning them with happiness inside my personal space.
Therefore, I really, REALLY hate it! when people borrow aka use my stuff without my permission. You'd think "eh, logically speaking, they should ask before they borrow something"
But yeah, logic doesnt really co-exist all the time with the thing named human.

Like,
I hated it when my sisters borrow my clothes
I hated it when my housemate used my bedroom to sleep in when her family came
I hated it when I wanted to wear some shoes, then, oh, somebody borrowed it
I hated it when people use my car.
without asking me first.

I'm so sorry, I love you guys to bits, but this is really my pet peeve, and its really annoying. But I find it hard to tell logically thinking people, "hey, I found out you worn my shirt the other day. why didnt you ask first?". and when my housemate told me "hey, I used your room to sleep in the other day, because my family came and they slept in my bedroom. and thank god, you forgot to lock your door, or I couldnt have taken advantage of your forgettery stupid brain" oh well, she didnt really say that, but really, I felt like I have been used like a nobody without any respect. and I really hate conflicts..and sometimes I just let it be but my heart was raging with wrath.

Its not like I'm possessive or stingy with my belongings. I dont mind lending my clothes, my room, my shoes, my car to someone, but, like, HELLO, its COMMON COURTESY to ASK FIRST! I'd love to think that, once I own something, I would have the luxury to use it whenever I want, without figuring out that I cant use it because someone has used it without telling me first. and most important and the biggest deal of all, its a sign of RESPECT towards me. respect that you acknowledged me as the owner, respect that you know I'll be nice enough to let you use my things, respect towards anything I own, that I have put my best efforts in choosing or taking care of. Please, RESPECT ME.


Its kinda hard sometimes, because I usually arrange my outfit with a holistic approach. and if I cant wear THE shoes, I have to re-arrange the whole ensemble. I dont mean to sound so vain, but its just me.

Anywaysssss....asking permission, just say, "can I, please?" (yes, I really love it when people care about the P's and Q's)
Am I too scary to ask from? (FYI, I dont bite. really.)
Is it too much to ask??

yesss...its common sense...I've written a blog about it here, but thats a different story I guess :P

all eyes on me

errr...nah, not in a good way, actually.
well, I just joined the anaest department for my 5th posting.
I've done paeds, ObGyn, ortho, surgery.
Now, anaest, then medical to finish off my housemanship.

today's the 7th day of anaest posting.
hum...its kinda different for me. because its not like other ward-orientated work I've done before. now, works are mostly done in the OT... n there are loads of procedures; premeds, drugs to dilute, then to the anaest stuff like spinal/general anaesthesia etc etc.

I hate the drugs part. I'm not used to diluting drugs and all that. the staff nurses do that in the ward. and my math is not that good, like I can't really count that fast in my head, like the doses and stuff. and loads of pharmacology crap load.

and I have to learn how to use the ventilator machine thingy, and the monitoring screen which has like thousands of numbers and grafts of the patient's vitals and ventilation setting thing. and physiology of breathing and all that also.

and all the other stuff like helping to set up the patients, and running around taking stuff...making sure everything is ready for the patient and the next patient.

 and sometimes i got told off for just standing there, or standing where im not supposed to. like, forgive meeeee, i have not done this before.

dont get me wrong, I like some of the people in the new department, especially the anaesthetists, they were really cool and calm. and also, of course, wherever you go, there will be just some people who will step on you or irritate you, well, just someone who's not your cup of tea.

I really hate it when people are just looking at other people's mistakes, and not appreciating the improvements in your progress or your learning curve. so yeah, at first, I feel like its a motivation, like I need to do better and prove to them that I'm good. but time and time again, I would get shut off and shoved some more, its just really tiring to keep the optimism. I just dont wanna give a damn about other people. I'm gonna do everything for ME. not going to make other people happy. I will do it just for ME and for MY own satisfaction. everything else is freaking WHATEVER!

so yeah, I've been working from 7am-10pm for a week now. its freaking exhausting. how can they expect me to memorize the drugs doses and dilutions, and all the pharmacology stuff when my brain is fried? I honestly have doubts about this posting.

exhausted

gonna sleep in a while, so i'll just update this real quick.
its just im so exhausted. i've been working (tagging) at anaest department for 5 days....working from 7am-10pm..so frreaking' tiring.

dont have time to study, but there are loads to learn. i feel like my brain is getting sluggish and lazy.
im just gonna sleep now.
good nite.

I miss my real bed

just got back from Mukah trip home.  I had a really nice time with my family and the not so quite developing town. I love being back home. I feel refreshed and away from the hospital stress.

Sometimes I do have questions like, is this the life that I want? Is the level of stress worth for my level of passion towards medicine? I mean, I love all the science and all that...its the people that make things complicated most of the time. Hm...I sound like Dr. House..haha!

Dont get me wrong, I dont have anything against medicine. I am totally not forced to becoming a doctor. Maybe I was indoctrinated a bit by my family since little (watch Asian F in Glee)..haha..but I dunno, I guess I love it sometimes. But I know I'm more to artsy kinda person. I love it when I designed things, I love to show my personality, my emotions, my expressions in art, like fashion, or interior design and all that. I just dont have much basic or stepping stone to really develop all that.

Anyways, I'd always miss my home. I want to change it coz its old, and its been built poorly by bloodsucker contractors that used my parents money for other things.

So, I'm gonna sleep in my Miri bed tonight. I miss my old bed~

show n tell

I'm bored, so im just gonna write about the surgical night last week.
we had fun, singing, dancing.
and im kinda proud of my outfit.

the theme of the night was "Bling Bling" and since i cant find any decent sequined dress without looking cheap, i decided to implement a bit of rock in my outfit. yup, but since i wear tudung, i wouldnt wanna look like im lost in a Kiss concert.

so, its a studded black shirt, on which i sew on some chains. n i wear a shawl and i clipped on some chains as well. then i wore a plain simple black jeans with black shoes. i love the feeling of the chains behind my back. kinda cool the way they sway XD

Miri Sushi King Sucks!

Yup, the service sucks so effing hard.
Last time, I went there just to order some takeaway sushi, but waited for like 15 minutes and all the waiters/waitresses still didn't even bother to apologize or just explained they're gonna be late because they're swamped or something. You know... like common courtesy and stuff. Yup, and when I called to them politely, they will just either ignore me or replied like, "one second!" with a sour face or rolling eyeballs.

Of course, I stormed out of it because I just can't stand slowpokes/rude people/bad services.

Then, my family wanted to eat there, so I thought I'd give it a second chance?
And I was still disappointed. We waited for about 1/2 hour to be seated, and we called 4 waitresses who just ignored us. There were dirty tables everywhere and we couldn't have a seat. Aaand, they have guts to say "arigato gozaimasu" when we stormed out of that stupid place. What in the effing hell should I be thankful about for such crappy service??

So, in the end...we just left and had our dinner next door at Secret Recipe. At least we're seated and attended to immediately after we entered the restaurant.

SO yeah, peeps... Miri Sushi King service sucks like hell! The WORST ever! Dont even gooo there if you dont want to lose your sanity!!! Stay away from it, for god's sake!!!!!!

Yes, I hate it that much. Please don't support Miri Sushi King. Arigato gozaimasu!