my 2 month anniversary~~

21 september -> OMG, its been 2 months since I started housemanship @ paediatrics, Miri Hospital.
its quite a long time, right? I still feel quite new sometimes..hehe..time flies too fast!
anyways, looking back for the past 2 months, I know things had not been easy for me. I regretted going to Miri. Like, why did I choose Miri? my reason was, I wanted to explore new environment and kinda like a new beginning to me. turned out its not as easy as I thought. lots of adaptations and changes needed to be made, lots of stupid mistakes, lots of self-doubt and confidence-suicide, all in all, lots of bad memories (bad physically, emotionally and psychologically)

But, I guess, there were lots of good memories too. I had my stockholm syndrome and started enjoying work here. I still hate my mistakes, but I learnt to accept that as a new doctor, mistakes are part and parcel of the learning process, its unavoidable. I learnt team work and I learnt to kinda like kids.

So yeah, I'm quite ok now.

Oh, yesterday was my on call.. It was a pretty cold night, figuratively and literally. I had fun. hehe

A speck of dust in the ever expanding universe

I've been having this weird feeling.

Like I'm strangely invisible
Like I'm unmemorable
Like I am an insignificant being
Like I don't matter
A nobody

Is it normal to feel like that sometimes?
Why is it so important to feel accepted/acknowledged/memorable?
When are we going to grow up from this childish high school social emo thingy?

God, I hate Monday blues.
and I'm really homesick.
and I hate my current house.
Blargh!

missing my hakuna matata

I kinda love my job. its hard work, its responsibilities. i really hate to love it. but yeah, I do enjoy it sometimes.

though... I really miss my student life.

I really miss:

-the hakuna matata thingy, no responsibilities to other people's life. we presented the cases to our lecturers, we find out the data and knowledge for the sake of learning. we study for exams. the life of the patients were not in our hands at that moment.

-weekends! oh, I miss sleeping in, and wasting the weekend time relaxing and all!

-my friends! I miss going shopping, gossiping, movies, dining out etc etc. I miss having somebody really familiar. I miss somebody to whom I can talk freely just about anything and everything. somebody who share the inside jokes and who understands me.

-sports! I miss playing netball with my friends, and badminton. now I dont have the time and people to play with. yesterday I had a little jog and today my calf muscles hurt everytime I walk. I'm seriously going weak (and gaining weight! >.<) yep, I really miss those things. those precious things that I wouldn't be able to enjoy as much.

gosh! I miss those times! wish I could turn back time!!

anyways, I'm gonna be on call again tomorrow, so I need to go to sleep now. and I haven't packed my clothes for oncall tomorrow *sigh*

so yeah, good night~

Me in Wonderland

I rly love this song, video and of course, the movie itself.
its something I'd listen to when I feel down and all, and it kinda makes me feel like nothing can bring me down...or something like that..




"Alice"

Tripping out
Spinning around
I'm underground, I fell down
I fell down

I'm freaking out
So where am I now?
Upside down
And I can't stop it now
It can't stop me now

I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop it?
I, I won't cry

I found myself in Wonderland
Get back on my feet again
Is this real?
Is this pretended?
I'll take a stand until the end

I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I'm falling hit the ground
I'll just turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I won't cry
I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I, I won't cry

back to work!!

raya this year has been really precious to me! my soul is healed, my spirits lifted, my mind is at peace. balance is restored. hehe

I'm back in Miri now. I'm missing my family already! I treasure our raya memories, the time we spent, all the laughs and the squabbles. This year, we've gone to lots of places; Oya, Balingian, Dalat. and of course, our own kampung. so yeah, its a really nice but tiring experience.

the only missing piece is that my sister, Ida and my brother, Idos didn't join us as they're celebrating raya with their in-laws. miss you guys! and I terribly miss dear Aya-chan!

oh, I just wanna share. when we were driving to some place, I saw a little boy at the road side, throwing stones at passing cars. So, when he wanted to throw a stone at our car, I gave him the look. The you're-dead-to-me look. Yup, the look, with my heavily kohled eyes, I gave him the look. and the look on the boy's face after that, is priceless! haha! yep, he won't be throwing any stones to cars for the rest of his life! *gosh, I'm such a bully :P*

anyway, tomorrow I'm going back to work. with this happiness (I hope it'd stay and give me some armor for any negative aura in the ward!) I hope I'll have a good day tomorrow.

To my family, you guys are precioussss to me! so sorry if I had a bitch fit or whatever. you guys are my rock. you guys are the keeper of my sanity. I just can't exist or live without u guys! love u guys soooooooo much! xoxo

riang ria hari raya

hi, i'm typing at my home in Mukah~ i've been at home for the past 4 days. Its been rly nice and peaceful for my soul! Even though the raya preparation time had been rly crazee buzee!!mom's rly merciless when it comes to the details. She's such a perfectionist. Anyway, being in the presence of my beloved family is rly healing for me.

Anyway! Since raya, I've been eating SO much! All the rendang, sate, ketupat, lemang, nasi himpit, curry etc etc! Plus the cakes n cookies n popias n kerepeks n dodols etc etc! They're soooo tempting. And i'm so weak. Guess i need to exercise more after this (haha!yea rite :P)

and, i've been meeting lots of near and far family members and all that. Oh yeah, the most fave part of hari raya is dressing up! Its SO fun!

Anyway, its been late, and i'm feeling rly tired from all the house-visiting n eating! Sooo, i just wanna wish, Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri to all Muslims and maaf zahir batin for everything I've done wrong. Have a marvellous raya to all!! Xoxo

(darn, haven't taken any family photo to post up here!)

Heal my heart

I'm going home tomorrow! I really can't wait! I've missed home SOOOO freakin' much! I wanna feel alive and happy again! I wanna be fweeeeee~~ (vomit, pls!)

anyway, this few days have been going pretty well for me. though we had to endure the mental and psychological torture in the ward, I have some healer for my heart. and even though I really can't stand him, I can't help but to be impressed with his fashion sense. haha~ and I've met wani yesterday, and its a really nice feeling to have someone to talk to about anything. and just now, I went out with Yan, and we had a really awesome dinner buffet at Marriot Hotel, which was free because of something something (its nothing really, I'm just too lazy to explain). So yeah, we had fun. I ate a TON!

pls forgive the unawesomeness of my phone cam~

Then we went out shopping. found out there were gems here and there hidden beneath Bintang Mall's slums (no offense, but really, its really hard to shop here).

anyways, yeah, I'm feeling happy~~

another complaining and whining from truly moi~

lol yeah, I've been complaining non freaking stop since forever (especially since I've started working actually :P)

I dunno, I still miss my BFFs, I miss my family so damn much. even though I've made new friends, I dunno, I'm kinda a bit of a social retard. I don't get close in a short time. But, I'm getting there, I guess. *sigh* I miss gossiping like nuts and going for a retail therapy with my friends. I miss feeling the rush and high of shopping that all the problems in the world just melt away and its just us and shopping unity in the moment, nothing else.

I dunno, I always doubt myself at the moment. I'm afraid of making mistakes, so I question myself a lot. its pathological. and I get the feeling that I couldn't do any damn thing right, no matter how much I try? or like, it doesn't matter that I do all the right things, one little mistake would just ruin me. I hate it so much. I know making mistakes is a step of a learning process. I know that since med school. Its just that sometimes I can accept my mistakes and all, sometimes they just get to me too much. I hate the fact that I've worn the same outfit over and over again for like, 1 month plus since I've been here. When I get depressed, I could wear the same outfit twice in a week. and if I wear the same outfit twice in a week, I'll spiral into deeper depression. Its one hell of a vicious cycle, I tell you. Heck, I am ruined.

I really can't wait to go back home for Raya. I want to feel human again!