never a good morning!

this morning I woke up, feeling miserable..then it got me to think,
whats making me feel this terrible? and I remembered that all the mornings since I've remembered pretty much sucks!

is it my job? do I really hate medicine? do I hate waking up alone in this huge house? do I hate this, do I hate that??

I'll seriously feel crappy, like my head is full with hatred for everything. I'd have to drag myself out of the bed. it will take a few hours for my brain to freshen up. I won't feel like talking to people, or people talking to me. the only mornings that I'd be happy to wake up to is when I have new clothes to wear, or when I've got my vacation trips.

then, the day will go by, I will feel better and better as the day goes by. then, I'll love my job, and everything seems much brighter.

so yeah, this kinda reminds me, I REALLY HAAAATE MORNINGS!!!

just an insight from news from the past

okay, lemme just say this, I don't read the news much, or watch the news much. I don't know the details about whats going on, but seriously, the condition in Malaysia, seriously worrying me.

whats going on? with all the politicians bashing each other. and recently I heard that some of those politicians brought up the racism subject. in a multi-racial country, we should be tolerant, whats with 1 malaysia and all. I've never really disagree about 1Malaysia campaign, because for me its a good thing, but the some leaders don't really convey the message of the unity of the races! they're just SAYING "1Malaysia here, 1Malaysia there" but still badmouthing the other races.

and seriously, I don't know what got into the Malay extremists. well, I'm not Malay, but the Malays kinda symbolize the Muslims in Malaysia.*sigh* I'm so disappointed. because of some of those people, the image of the other Malays/Muslims in Malaysia are tarnished really bad. I don't know why they act without thinking. like the church bombing thing, the Allah name issue, the severed cow's head, and the Malay language Bible issue. like, wth? being the majority, it seems like those people are feeling selfish and really INTOLERANT of others. don't they know that if you respect others, people will respect you? and they keep on talking about tolerance here, tolerance there, but did they themselves look in the mirror and see if they're tolerance themselves? why in this era, people still think like Neanderthals? they disagree, they pick a fight. no rationals, no logics. I really hate it when they use religion as a cover, then people will think Islam is a violent religion and such, when in fact, they're just twisting and using the religions teaching for their own selfish needs!

I know when there's a difference, it will divide people, but really, where's the tolerance and unity of 1Malaysia?

oh, and it seems like the hottest and favorite scandal of the recent election is.... sex video scandals. just.... speechless.

I've been wanting to rant about this for so long! so yeah, I might have said the old outdated news, lol!  but seriously, these things gotta stop. we should practice the tolerance that we've preached so much about. I don't understand why they wouldn't be grateful of the peaceful environment, and it seems like they just loooove to invite trouble. I'm grateful that I'm brought up in a multi racial and religious family, might have given me some perspective.

so yeah, I would hate to point fingers at others, or badmouthing them, because things have happened, and being all bitchy would make things worse. lets just learn from our mistakes, and just try to improve ourselves to be better people.

yup, thats all I'm saying.

the art of admonishment

like seriously, where is your common sense?
or is it just a scheme for you to use me?
why does it seem like I have to state every single little thing for you to do? you're an adult, its your responsibility, why won't  you do it, unless I tell you to?

like, I can't tell someone,

-hey, can you flush the toilet next time you use it?
-hey, can you wipe your own coffee stain next time? (like, omg, the stain's just 2 drops, and its not cleaned for like months! MONTHS i tell you! I was trying to observe if you're eventually gonna do it, but you didnt, so yeah, I became your stupid slave again, and wiped the fucking stain which took just a few seconds because i just couldnt stand the sight of those stains anymore!)
-hey, can you turn off the lights?
-hey, can you clean after yourself??

like, hello? its common sense! its SOOOO freakin' easy to just attack you about it, but I'm still thinking that in long-term, I don't want to feel awkward and uncomfortable seeing your face around. even though currently i feel rage and hatred.

i mean, I don't mind doing little things and i understand that you're busy.. but HECK, I'm busy too! but its no excuse to be dirty and well non-commansensely.

or maybe I was just overestimating the role of an adult, or common sense of a freaking human!
please just dont give me the reasons to be bitchy.. i just wanna be peaceful and happy, alright?
like, seriously, how do I say those things to a person? should I care to change someone's way of thinking? or should I just destroy the relationship with the ray of hatred and rage??

new life, old life?

yup, sometimes i reminisce about my old, student life, where we all had fun and had so little responsibilities. looking back, I didn't even came to understanding what I've learned. maybe I wasn't such a good medical student. heck, I'm not that good of a houseman now. I really need to learn a LOT.

tho... I love my new life! I've begun to understand the clinical approach to patients...had my "oooh...so thats how it is" moments with medical knowledge. of course, practice is indeed the best way to increase your knowledge and experience.

although, the responsibility is soooo huge and heavy. all the decisions made will affect patients, bosses, co-workers, staffs, etc etc. sometimes I made the wrong decisions. I really dislike being wrong, well, who does? sometimes its the environment, the people? you cant please everyone and not everyone's your cup of tea. sometimes i do feel like running away, but I've sacrificed so much, I've survived so much. I'll just have to continue to improve myself. *please, dont be lazy!*

and I'm not really a people person, I guess. I have to take some time to know people and let them know me. sometimes yeah, i do feel lonely, because all my BFFs and my family are away. maybe people think I'm difficult? maybe I'm the one who distanced myself from other people? and sometimes I just like to be alone. god, I miss my BFFs and family who's always got me, who I can turn to and talk about anything, and trust them with everything! they're the catalysts for the ideal environment for me...

and people are always asking "when are you getting a boyfriend?", its really annoying. like its compulsory thing to have in life. i dont wanna search like im a desperate cat person. and mr. right is so hard to find nowadays, let alone in Miri hospital! so just let me be, ok?

oh, speaking of the past, just now, I went through my old photo albums...sometimes made me laugh so hard with the good memories..tho, some old clothes and crushes, made me think "omg, wth was i thinking??" its really weird that people just grow. I'm totally a different person now than when I was in high school.

anyways, I'm on my way to improve my quality of life right now, starting with some improvements to my new home..I got streamyx (yay!), and some other updates. I feel good about this new change~ ^_^

EOD calls

I've been on EOD calls for like, a week!
I practically live in the hospital!
but, since its ortho on calls, its not really THAT busy, like, I still can survive~
but really, it gets really boring to just stay at hospital most of your time....huhu

an ACTION packed spy dream!

okay, yesterday was my first active oncall in orthopaedics.

it went fine, like, I could sleep all night long! i kept on waking up once in a while because its still kinda weird for me..lol

so yeah, and I had this awesome dream, like I was a spy infiltrating a tall skyscraper of an evil company, kinda like Jennifer Garner in Alias! lol

and the exciting part was that, I was made! and everyone in the building was looking for me, wanting to stop me from getting out of the building! its rly exhilarating! like I had to run away (kinda like Angelina Jolie in Salt), climbing on ceilings, getting in and out of every crook and cranny in the building. also! I had to do camouflage and all to get away. its crazy!

and when I finally got to the parking lot, my car key didnt work coz other cars were beeping instead of my car (like its being tampered by the evil company!) and I kept on running, and people in black were at my heels, when a red sports car came and drifted right in front of me and I got in and the car successfully escaped from the evil building.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

there's no smell of bad luck

"malang tidak berbau" (a malay proverb)

since I'm in ortho, we were dealing mostly with trauma, which were caused by accidents. kinda makes me think the human life is so fragile, and is hanging by a thread named fate.

the accidents ranging from ridiculous ones (like hitting a dog with his motorcycle, or falling off when climbing a toilet to catch a rat from a hole in the ceiling and hitting his arm on the ceramic water tank, which broke, then severed his muscles and tendons) to straight forward road traffic accidents

then, of course, the diabetic feet, gangrenous and full of pus, kinda makes you want to do better in life and avoid all the sweet stuff and exercise a little bit more. lol

so yeah, lets just be more careful on the road, and pleaaaase drive more slowly during rainy days, and please take care of your sugar level, because diabetic feet are really BAD!