Bones and Blood

hi there, exam was over last thursday. I was wounded, heartbroken, crestfallen, whatever word you wanna say to describe a HUGE MAJOR disappointment of myself. the memories of the exam kept on rewinding (felt like I was stuck watching re-runs of seriously bad movies). like, I'd see the patient's face, the examiners', my faults, thinking "why did I do that? why didn't I do this? why did I say that? why didn't I say this, etc etc" summary of all -> GIGANTIC REGRET

probably I'm suffering PTSD. its a very terrible traumatic feeling. the whole thing brought me down, i KNOW i did terribly in the exams and i fear of the consequences. and death is not an option. anyways, i KNOW there's nothing i can do to change anything of the past. I cant control it, and that tortures me. and I do know that mourning over it can't change anything so I'd have to choose paths that would benefit me the best in whatever it is in the future.
anyway, we're starting Orthopedics today. It will be a 2-week-posting, meaning in just 2 weeks time, we're having an exam - (freaking) AGAIN.
Ortho's an interesting medical field. deals with 3 major components: skin, muscles and bones. I somehow can't wait to start anew. I hope I won't repeat the same mistakes again. I hope I will be strong enough, I have I have good enough determination to go through with all this. I know by entering medical field, its gonna be a hard, long learning process that will go on FOREVER, non-stop (this is kinda like in the fine print in medical school admission XD). I used to think that my learning process would stop at school, matrix and college. and working is the finish line (always dreamed of having lots of money, buying things and relaxing or doing whatever i want) but I was seriously wrong, thats just a kid's fantasy land. this is the real world, of course its tough! so yeah, I'm hoping that I would have enough strength to be in this field.

oh, btw, the only things that can distract me from my traumatised self are hot vampires from The Vampires Diaries (<3 Stefan!). anyone who knows me well, know that I have a thing for vampires hehe. I'm glad people can produce such a nice tv series, though it has high school theme and the kinda cliche-ish story of romance between vampires and mortal, its SO much better than that over-rated Twilight film. I'm SO happy to see fangs in action, unlike the glittery skin and vegan vampires whose highlight of their life was playing softball in Twilight (boo!).

*melts*

btw, gtg to bed now, I'll fangirl about The Vampire Diaries later X3

nighty night~!