My dear marudi

Oh god... I cant believe I havent blogged about this. Moving from miri to marudi is one of a life changing decision I've ever taken. I'm transferring to marudi for work, of course.. Gonna start my first step as a medical officer there. Um...actually, I'm doing pretty okay now since I'm settling in. But here's the drama that I wrote on my diary app thingy..haha

"Its day 5 here in Marudi. I am still a mess. Its the new place, which is a really small town. The houses mostly look old, so when I first saw the town, I felt like I was back in the 80s. The roads are narrow, and people drive at 40km/h at most. At nights you can hear all sorts of crickets and bugs, and when it rains, the frogs and bugs were all out busting an orchestra. I'm staying at a new house. Everyone is new here. I felt the utmost feeling of loneliness. I feel homesick, missing my bestfriends, missing my old home. I started thinking of my previous routines, how i've missed the familiarity and the comfort of something known. Sometimes I feel like I cant do this! This is crap! I started whining, and throwing emotional tantrums. Sometimes I try to cheer myself up with positive thoughts..but its like trying to hold water in your hands. Its gonna take some time till I'm okay, because currently I'm just not okay."

posted from Bloggeroid

*bleep*

me seeing a good friend, X, and the other not so good friend, Mr. Goody.

Me: hey, long time no see.. I miss you, bitch!!
Mr. Goody: omg! I can't BELIEVE you just said THAT!
Me: omg, I totally did it, didn't I? F*ck me, right??

err... I didn't actually say that...coz cursing is baad, horrible, terrible, awful, dreadful, painful, the biggest sin ever! and people who curse are criminals, lowlifers, hiphoppers, hiphoppers wannabe, gangsters wannabe, n00b gamers, wizards...errr...okayyy, thats getting old :P

anyways, I dont mind a couple of swear words. they're just some expressions of anger/frustration/negative feelings. like, mostly people wouldn't actually mean what they're cursing, they're just some words to show that they're upset. But, I do find people who curse all the time and out of context can be really fucking annoying...oops..remember, moderation is the key!

why the drama?

Sometimes you know when you think too much...and you wonder,

I wish I didn't think too much
I wish I'd lived my life simpler
I wish I didn't buy the huge-assed wardrobe and huge-assed king size bed which are pain in the ass to move out of the house.

But, whats life without the drama? At some point, it IS living life simpler, where I didnt put much thought into it and just went with my crazy gut to buy those gianormous furnitures just cause they're pretty. Paradoxically, it has made my life complicated.

Applicable at other aspects of life.

I love you, life. Thanks for everything. Really.

of hopes and dreams

if you're not the boss, you're always controlled by "the man". heck, even bosses have bosses.

I am a free-spirited, why chain me?
I have hopes and dreams, why wont you care?
I have fears and doubts, why wont you listen?

Because changes are scary, they're something new, something foreign, something unfamiliar.
Therefore its scary.
Maybe its a blessing in disguise?
I dunno what to do?
If I stay, is it for me? or for whom?
If I go, is it for me? or do I have anything left, anyone to miss or be missed?

motip aku ala2 berpuisi tgh2 mlm buta tok :P

My job: I love him, I love him not

I love writing in my blog. its the only media I write stuff I really feel like saying... I dont give a damn about people in facebook or twitter. In those areas, I'd resort to passive aggressive comments to people I'm pissed off at. This is different. This is my place, my own, my precioussss :D

My life is quite crazy at the moment. As usual, in Miri Hospital, there arent always enough housemans (or housemen? i really dont know :P). currently there are 4 of us in male medical ward (which is always full to the brim with patients), and 2 of them are first posters. They are learning, we're still learning. I have to wake up at 5am every morning, got to ward around 6am to finish round. And I'm always on call, I basically live in the hospital. Like, my big-sized facial wash is in the ward and I'm using the travel size at home! wth??

Yeah, I complained a lot about my job. I don't want to complain because it's my job..but i need to because I'm a human. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. I've been in this love-hate relationship with my job for so long. and it has made me feel dead, and alive at the same time. It will never get easier, you'll just have to get better.

I've sacrificed my life, my family time, my love life for my patients. Karma, please be good to me :P

chain of screaming

When somebody did/said something awful to us, we would always say, "I swear I wouldn't do such a thing to other people next time".. but then, later came, and you did/said exactly what the awful person did to you, to another person (and its worse because you already know how suck-y the other person must be feeling)

and we will come up with something reasonable to justify what we did, no matter how much we know it'd hurt the other person.

we are selfish, sometimes. its just how the world roll.

Mood Swings

When I was little, I was a quiet, very very introverted person. As usual, being compared to my elder sister (who's basically my twin because we're just 1 year apart), who was always temperamental, she's like the fire and I was the water. I was calm and collected. I kept everything to myself, and I didn't know how to voice out my feelings.

Then growing up, finding that my life, my home wasn't perfect, there were conflicts here and there. I hated it. All the negatives, even though I was away for studies, they affected me real bad. People used to come to me to pour out everything. Maybe because of my calm peaceful image, people assume I was very level-headed and I could take it all peacefully. I had to be strong for them. I couldn't break down, I couldn't shed my tears for them. But I wasn't all that peaceful. I grew angry, bitter, hateful of the negative things. I hated how people couldn't see how bad they were hurting themselves and our family. and I hated the fact that we were not aggressive enough in dealing with the problems, and I hated the most when I wasn't able to do anything to help. I was always angry.

Then I found the strength to voice out my anger. It wasn't the right thing, maybe. I expressed everything factually, regardless of anyone's feelings. I felt like I just wanted to say whatever I think, without caring how people react or feel about it. It gave me some kind of a relief, than bottling it all up inside. Also, I became a control freak, I believed that I could change everything, that I could at least affect other people's actions, or whatever I felt was right. And when things didn't go my way, I hated it, I got angry. It was tiring, being angry and feeling negative.

Then, I don't know, maybe I got some kind of epiphany...like I realized if I was treated the way people were treated by me, I wouldn't like it either. So I learned to let go of the anger. Learned to enjoy the journey, smell the flowers along the way. Learned that its okay not to be okay once in a while. that perfect isn't everything. I have came at peace with my wrath. Maybe I would bitch once in a while in twitter, but hey, its okay to let off some steam in a harmless way :)

The world is not beautiful, therefore it is. Kino no Tabi -the Beautiful World-

All by myself

Sometimes I feel like I can't connect with most people. Like disconnected in my own world.
It gets lonely sometimes, but that's just me. We all got those moments, I guess?
Sometimes it sucks, sometimes its all I need, time all for myself.
I have came to accept it. Came at peace with it!

Can't Shan't Won't

I'm kinda getting sick and tired of people trying to tell me how I live my life.

"you should change this or that"
"you should get this or that"
"you should like this or that"
"you should hate this or that"
"you should be this or that"

I hate being forced. I know it when I feel it. Like someone trying to bend or shape something like a metal rod. It would feel contrived and constrained.

They think I was born yesterday.
They think they are above me.
They think they can control me.
They think they can create me.

Don't get me wrong, I can accept constructive criticism, and I keep open arms with improvising suggestions or thoughts. I like listening/trying new ideas, and explore, because that's how you expand your knowledge about anything, improving yourself physically, mentally, emotionally and fashionably! Yes, we all need guidance in life. No point being a stubborn and egoistical, but stuck in a rut!

I just don't like how some people want me to be somebody I'm not. Sometimes I admit I did lose myself once in a while, being what people expect me to be, not what I myself want to be. And that feeling sucks! And I reel back the real me up to the surface before I totally lost it. Like, oh honey, I know what I want already, and I'm gonna get it with or without your help! So, beat it!

Nothing to Lose??

Because sometimes I do think about, what if I care about nothing in the world, living life as it is, no responsibilities, no boundaries, no rules, no bossy bosses, like there's nothing to lose in life.


It sounds free and fun! Like I can do ANYTHING I want, and I wouldn't care less. Unstoppable.



But, unfortunately, life doesn't work that way, honey. The more at stake, the higher the price are. No pain, no gain, labour has a bitter root, but a sweet taste, etc etc. 
and I dont wanna live an empty life. I dont wanna be them. ever!

Its the pain of getting what you want, defending your honour and that makes it all worth while
Having a victory for whats worth fighting for
When we learn how to be strong, sometimes in the hard way
The pride when we know how strong we really are.


So yeah, I absolutely have something to lose in life. I'm gonna fight for it. I will lose some and win some. I hope all of this will make me a better, stronger me!


It's good to be scared. It means you still have something to lose. - Richard Weber, Grey's Anatomy

Sometimes I was dramatique

Sometimes i feel like i want to shout it all out! Sometimes i feel like i just want to be alone. Sometimes i feel like i was so high, im untouchable. Sometimes i feel i hit rock bottom i dont even matter. Sometimes i feel like you totally get me. Sometimes i feel like you dont know me at all. Sometimes im a fighter i'd die kicking. Sometimes im tired of all the fights, i'd just run away.


But its okay. Im feeling all high and low. My feelings are all am dramatic turmoil in me. I tried to be in control most of the times...but sometimes they're just raging and took control over me. Its okay if you dont know me and I dont know you. What life is without the mystery?

new year? just a beginning of a date!

Why people get excited about the new year? its just waking up to another day, right?
and people are raving about 20.12.2012
I think the celebration is because we all crave for a new start, so we try to find the reason for a new beginning.

my resolutions? I just wanna be better. In whatever.
Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, fashionably (yessss!)

The quest of finding myself is neverending.

So yeah, hope we're able to find whatever we seek for. Even if we didnt get what we originally want, I hope the journey will make us get whatever we need!

Welcome, 2012!