hum... adjustment disorder?
I just got back from tagging, day 7. gosh, why do I still feel SOOOO freaking' blur??
Sometimes I hate my life, sometimes I enjoy some things.
really, really having a love-hate relationship with doctor life.
I dunno where to start. urgh! I really don't know. sometimes I really like doing what i do. sometimes, it just feels like a burden to me, like I've lost the fire and passion for medicine. I feel like a zombie trotting around doing stuff. actually I'm still really clueless.
urgh... i dunno what to write, but my blog has been too empty and my heart too full with distress.
hum.. so yeah, my first posting - paeds, special care nursery (SCN) in Miri Hospital.
I'm the only girl HO for now, like the specialist said "rose between the thorns" huh.. and I'm actually quite a reserved person, I enjoy being with my closest circle of friends and didnt say much with strangers. so yeah, its quite awkward meeting new people and all. and its not really fun without another girl to talk about girl stuff and all. and as a new person, the adapting is really hard. these people know what, when, why, how, where they're doing. as for me, I dunno ANYTHING! I got lost some times because I have no sense of direction whatsoever, I dunno any patients, I cant remember the patients because they're all babies so they all look the same. and I'm quite bad in running maths through my head coz i usually scribble to solve maths (except for counting percentage in discount sales :P), and as paeds deal with a lot of maths, I'm quite a slow calculator. and my paeds knowledge...hmph! 2 months after my final professional exam, I just didnt study any medicine, so I felt really useless and inadequate now. oh and I also wondering if my brain's just too slow or my hearing's really bad because they all talk so fast!
so yeah, I'm tagging from 7am to 11pm weekdays and 7am-6pm weekends. really tiring and I SUPER hate waking up so early in the morning. *sigh sigh sigh*. I'm not a morning person, but I HAVE to smile at everyone in the ward *sigh again*,
and I miss my passion for fashion. now I only dress for the sake of dressing up now, I dont enjoy it anymore. I miss caring about color co-ordination, I miss having my accessories complete my outfit, I miss wearing pants to slim my legs (now I carry calculator, phone and a small book in my pocket -> super fattening but the heck i care), I care about the length of my pants to suit my heels, oooh... I miss wearing heels! I cant wear them anymore! *sob* I miss feeling the fun and the rush when my outfit completes my look. I miss putting on make-ups (I just dont have the time and the surgical mask would ruin them anyway). I dont moisturize anymore because I have to frequently wash my hands, overall, I just don't care how I look anymore, and its really bringing my already down self-esteem more down or downer is that even a word? i don't care.
and at 11 pm, i dont have the time to study because im too sleepy and all, so im becoming stupider and stupider and hating myself more and more.
anyway, i'm just in a state of blurness now. I just dont know. but I'm really thankful to have some nice HOs and MOs and specialists who've helped me a lot even though clearly I'm sooo inadequate. I'm a doctor. what?? am I really?? i dont feel like one because i just feel sooo freaking inadequate.
sometimes its fun
sometimes its not
god, gimme strength!
3 comments:
identity foreclosure... when u decide to do something because you feel like its your job to... but not because its what u want to do...
if fashion is your passion, maybe u should look into a different career...
hum... I won't wanna change my career immediately just because I was having an adjustment disorder. I kept on asking why I wanna be a doctor. Quite a number of my colleagues also question themselves of the same thing. Why do we want to be a doctor?
1. to help people?
2. to get rich (what a misconception!)
3. because I've always loved biology since school?
and all the cheesy answer you can find. for me, I used to love the medical puzzles in med school. and of course studying is a totally different work than working. its the amount of workload and and a hell lot more of responsibilities. those were and are quite a shock to me, thus I need to learn and adapt. every new doctor went through the same thing, don't they? its just how you deal with those things and how long do you take to learn and adapt to the new surrounding.
also, why can't I have 2 passions at once? I do love medicine and I love the art of fashion too.
ic... it seemed like u always liked fashion but u only do medical work as a job... so i assumed u didn't enjoy it... my mistake.
if u can handle two passions at once, then maybe that's the way to go. good for you :)
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