Armor UP!

Day 8 of tagging.

Today, I'm starting tagging at Paeds medical ward. *sigh* more new things to learn.
Adapting is HARD. starting something is hard. everything is hard before they become easy. so yeah, I'm going through a slow, and some painful process, but it is a learning process.

huu...I guess I'm just a spoiled brat. I usually get what I want. I've always got my friends and family's support, I've always got the time to do whatever the heck I want. and to be suddenly on my own and thrown into the wild, I'm just like the newborn baby that I've seen in the special nursery care (SCN). so yeah, I just have to adapt to this new wilderness! I'm trying as hard as I can to change and to improve. and not let the frustrations get to me too much. I've got to learn that mistakes are to be learned from. and I've learned to accept that I'm not that good, so I have to learn to be better and better. Its gonna be hard, not to get all depressed and angry and disappointed with myself, but I'll try my best not to be all negative.

of course, changing attitude isnt easy, but its necessary. I need to undergo evolution -> adapting to the new harsh environment. so yeah, *sighity sigh* hope tomorrow will be better~

Housemanship: I miss my LIFE!

hum... adjustment disorder?

I just got back from tagging, day 7. gosh, why do I still feel SOOOO freaking' blur??
Sometimes I hate my life, sometimes I enjoy some things.

really, really having a love-hate relationship with doctor life.

I dunno where to start. urgh! I really don't know. sometimes I really like doing what i do. sometimes, it just feels like a burden to me, like I've lost the fire and passion for medicine. I feel like a zombie trotting around doing stuff. actually I'm still really clueless.

urgh... i dunno what to write, but my blog has been too empty and my heart too full with distress.

hum.. so yeah, my first posting - paeds, special care nursery (SCN) in Miri Hospital.
I'm the only girl HO for now, like the specialist said "rose between the thorns" huh.. and I'm actually quite a reserved person, I enjoy being with my closest circle of friends and didnt say much with strangers. so yeah, its quite awkward meeting new people and all. and its not really fun without another girl to talk about girl stuff and all. and as a new person, the adapting is really hard. these people know what, when, why, how, where they're doing. as for me, I dunno ANYTHING! I got lost some times because I have no sense of direction whatsoever, I dunno any patients, I cant remember the patients because they're all babies so they all look the same. and I'm quite bad in running maths through my head coz i usually scribble to solve maths (except for counting percentage in discount sales :P), and as paeds deal with a lot of maths, I'm quite a slow calculator. and my paeds knowledge...hmph! 2 months after my final professional exam, I just didnt study any medicine, so I felt really useless and inadequate now. oh and I also wondering if my brain's just too slow or my hearing's really bad because they all talk so fast!

so yeah, I'm tagging from 7am to 11pm weekdays and 7am-6pm weekends. really tiring and I SUPER hate waking up so early in the morning. *sigh sigh sigh*. I'm not a morning person, but I HAVE to smile at everyone in the ward *sigh again*,

and I miss my passion for fashion. now I only dress for the sake of dressing up now, I dont enjoy it anymore. I miss caring about color co-ordination, I miss having my accessories complete my outfit, I miss wearing pants to slim my legs (now I carry calculator, phone and a small book in my pocket -> super fattening but the heck i care), I care about the length of my pants to suit my heels, oooh... I miss wearing heels! I cant wear them anymore! *sob* I miss feeling the fun and the rush when my outfit completes my look. I miss putting on make-ups (I just dont have the time and the surgical mask would ruin them anyway). I dont moisturize anymore because I have to frequently wash my hands, overall, I just don't care how I look anymore, and its really bringing my already down self-esteem more down or downer is that even a word? i don't care.

and at 11 pm, i dont have the time to study because im too sleepy and all, so im becoming stupider and stupider and hating myself more and more.

anyway, i'm just in a state of blurness now. I just dont know. but I'm really thankful to have some nice HOs and MOs and specialists who've helped me a lot even though clearly I'm sooo inadequate. I'm a doctor. what?? am I really?? i dont feel like one because i just feel sooo freaking inadequate.


sometimes its fun
sometimes its not

god, gimme strength!

Induksi, oh, induksi!!

urgh..I haven't updated this blog since forever!

RECENT UPDATE!
I JUST received my letter, the one informing me everything about my induction YESTERDAY! I just dunno how to describe my feelings at that time. the induction will be this coming Monday and the preparation was quite a lot (I needed to do my medical check-up, post some letter, fax something and prepare clothes for the event, book my tickets etc etc) so yeah, I'm SOOOO freaking tired right now, mentally and physically.

Also, the letter came in in such a short notice, I felt like I've been slapped in my face. Mixed feelings everywhere! Excited to start working, nervous and quite scared to start working, anxious to know where I'm gonna be sent for work and to know how to adapt in maybe new surroundings, sad to leave the comfort loving zone of my family and home, a bit heavy-hearted (berat hati) to leave the comforting familiar routine of about a couple of months, lazying around and eating, etc etc.

Anyway, most of the stuff have been settled, I'm just quite worried where I'm gonna be sent off for work. Near to home is a blessing, however I am, too, curious to explore new areas. And I've gotta pack lots of stuff.

hum.. I dunno, just hope for the best! I'm just gonna have fun and participate actively (I hope) in LDKs or whatever (sigh), and come what may, I'll have to face whatever it is.