eid al-adha

happy eid al-adha! its not really as a big celebration as the eid al-fitr. and im celebrating it alone this year, feels kinda sad..hehe

im very unlikely to join the college celebration. i dont feel like being in a crowd right now.

anyways, my long lost bestfriend, Kunnoe, will be coming to Kuching soon! we havent seen each other since like, i dunno, 5 years ago? cant really remember, but yeah, its THAT long! so yeah, i cant wait to catch up and hang out with her and some other friends! ^^

oh gosh, i remember i wanted to say something but i cant really recall what it is. its SO frustrating!! >.<

ah, well, i'll just update if the thought came back to me ^^

I'm bored - LET'S DANCE!

yeah, i felt kinda bored today, i've watched bleach all day long till my eyes were pretty dried up (like when i closed my eyes, my eyes felt hot!), then i cooked for a bit, then i wanted to play some games but dont feel like it. i've played a bit of Diner Dash: Flo through Time, or something like that. its just like the other Diner Dash series but this time they have a dinosaur thats really annoying!! so i dont wanna play it for now.

then i chatted with people for a bit and, Neko-chan told me that she was once forced to dance Hare Hare Yukai from Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuutsu, then showed me the video. and i dunno why, maybe because i was just TOO bored, i was like, what the heck, lets try it! and its quite tough! i can follow some of the moves but some hand movements are pretty fast. anyways, dancing is SO good for stress management! im gonna master Hare Hare Yukai!! >:3

fyi, this is the video reference:

The trust issue

Hi~ I'm all alone now. My besties have gone back home or going to another town. so now, i got to spend some quality time with myself. ^^

as for the stuff that i said about being a confidate/confidantee, i think trust is the issue here. no offense, but love isnt the answer for everything.
its about trust really. and the principle here is all-or-nothing. like you've either got to trust that someone so much you can tell them anything, or you can just tell someone you dont even know (like a psychiatrist XD) about your problems. you dont trust them, but heck, you know they wont spill the beans to the others and they cant do any damage to your life.

the thing about trust, it takes a long time to build and quite a lot of effort for me. i dont trust people that easily. it depends though, like i'd spill my secrets to people who are close to me, or maybe i'd tell someone i dont really know about my secrets because i know they cant affect me. though, having someone you trust to talk with about your problems and secret is one of the most efficient way to relieve stress. i have had some friends that i trusted so much. i practically told them everything, i was totally open to them and all. also, i was so dependant on them. but changes happened. in such a short time, the tie that we made for a long time was suddenly chopped off. all the time and efforts i made to trust those people, all went down the drain. i was left behind, and since it takes me a long time to build another trust, its quite tough for me. i know changes happened, people grow up and all. but for them to completely leave me just like that, its just unforgivable! i think at some extent, its quite meaningless, useless to trust someone too much. and i hate being dependant to others.

okay, im not depressed XD. i just need to sort out my thinking and blow off some steam. yup, im quite sorted out now ^^. now i need to do some planning for the weekened~

hi hi~
its the start of the weekend!! YAY~! ^^
this week surely flew by me reaally fast!

anyways, yesterday, I presented for the journal reading session, representing Group 1. Our topic was something like "group based exposure therapy for war-related post traumatic stress disorder". we only had one day prior to prepare all the slides, and mel and amy have so kindly helped me prepare the slides, even though i usually prefer to make my own slides so i'd understand every word im saying. but thats an emergency case, and im really grateful to amy n mel *domo domo arigato* XD

anyways, the most important point here is... my lecturer, Dr. Siti the clinical psychologist, praised our presentation. she said its really good despite our lack of time for the preparation. im so proud of myself and our group! ^^

aand...right now im watching a bit of Survivor season 17. its really cool! as expected from Survivor!! this time, its held at some place in Africa named Gabon. its one of the places on earth that is still UNTOUCHED! its really cool and beautiful! the greeneries, the animals, the natural structures are just breathtaking. there are elephants, hippoes, crocs, monkeys, chimpanzees, cheetahs and all the other African animals. its definitely one of the places that i'd like to go in the future. cant wait to start working! it feels so good to know that you can dream and the dreams can come true XD

Distance

Hum...I'm supposed to be preparing my slides for presentation tomorrow, but I have this unsettling feeling in my heart.

relationships are really complicated, no matter what it is: family, friendship, love, even enemies. Its just not such a simple superficial thing. I really dont know how to express this jumbled up feelings but im just gonna try. so i might sound a bit confused (like flight of ideas maybe XD)

well, in a relationship, we should know when to get involved and when to stay out. this thin line is really easy to cross over to each side. you can cross this line sometimes but in certain occasions it might result in bitter endings.

we have this defense mechanism which sometimes backfire, which is we sometimes hide our real feelings/emotions. no one really knows the real someone because we cant read thoughts. sometimes i dont wanna get involved with people around me. maybe im afraid of the truth? the closer you get to someone, the more you know bout them. im afraid i could find some reasons to damage the relationship. afraid that getting too involved in emotions would make your life messy and all. afraid to tell people your secrets because you're afraid of what they might think of you. afraid to show your vulnerable sides and look weak.

afterall, the word personality comes from persona which means "mask". everyone wears this.

so yeah, like, i might seem cold and uncaring, but i do care.

its just that both being a confidate and confidatee are pretty tough. finding someone you could trust with all your life and soul is hard, hum....for me that is. sorry i might seem self-obsessed sometimes. i really need someone to knock that off my head XD.

how do you trust someone with your deep dark secrets? how do you get close to people and gain their trust so they can pour their deep dark secrets to you? is it because our culture or our upbringings that doesnt really encourage expressions of our feelings or opinions and thoughts? is it because of our overly strong defensive mechanism? do we care too much of what people think of us? are we just too overtaken by our (maybe senseless) pride?

urgh..i dont know! >.<

hum...maybe its just... me..hehe