angry.wrath.pissed

warning: too angry to care about etiquette!

Lately I have been getting bouts of anger episodes here and there. I am a passive aggressive person. Why? because:

I hate being passive - I want my opinions heard and I want to make some change whenever I do/say things to people.
I also hate being aggressive - I SUPER hate the awkward moments that would happen between me and the confrontee, because most people just wont admit that they're fucking wrong and to say sorry. and the sickeningly sweet acts during the make-up moments. I'm just not build for all this.

I friggin' hate idiotic comments/acts, especially when people think I'm stupider than them. As a passive-aggressive person, I'd try my best to voice out my dissatisfaction through filtered comments or just subtle moves. Fucking idiots, they just couldnt pick up anything, and they wouldnt be able to reason anything. So, all I do most of the time is roll my eyes, or take deep breaths while cursing in my heart or putting on a fake polite smile.

All those things just bottled up in me, and whenever I'm alone/bored, all those fucking stupid comments or things people say/do just came back to me. I just cant help it. Very unfortunately, I'm very analytical in everything happening around me.

I fucking hate it when I did something wrong, and people just go "hey, dont do that, dont you know (terrible consequence this and terrible consequence that) would happen if you do that??! *bla bla bla nag nag nag*" and then when I voiced out my reasoning and I was well aware of what I was doing; and I had a reason behind my acts; I could accept its my fault if its really my fault, those people would reject all my reasoning and continued to nag nag nag like I'm a freakin' idiot! you idiot!

and dont you fucking say you dont understand me, because I'm fully aware of that. You are not me, therefore you'd never fully understand me. never. ever. ever. ever. ever. its a simple fact of life.

I really hate to be angry. Its eating me up from the inside. I hate to be bitter and miserable. Maybe I should be more assertive, but most people just couldn't take direct hit, I dunno, maybe idiots just can't reason with anything. or maybe I should learn to just let go. like, just let those idiots say whatever they wanna say, and I'll continue with my life (urgh, I hate my long-term memory!). or maybe I should get a punching bag as an anger outlet. or maybe I should indulge in happy cute things like rainbows, ponies and fairies.

oh, p.s. its funny at first but when it happens just too many times, I super hate it when people say, *shocked sneering face* WHAT? you're a doctor and you've got a cold??* I'd just laugh with them while saying in my heart, "I'm a doctor, I'm not god, you #$%^&*" (mom, you always say that whenever I'm sick, however, you're immune to my wrath, so its ok, mom~ I love you lots and you're my back bone, I just cant live without you!)

oh, since I'm letting it all out! to the woman sitting next to me on my flight back, I SUPER hate it when you talked NON-STOP to me, and eventhough I pretended to sleep just to avoid talking to you, you're just freakily staring at me the whole time and when I opened my eyes just a tiny bit, you'd noticed straightaway and you continued talking like crazy and its just hitting every nerves in my body, my blood was boiling like crazy and most of the time I just couldnt hear whatever the heck you're saying because I was just praying in my heart for the plane to land. and when the plane took off and tried to land, you said loudly that accidents happen and you told me gruesome details of plane accidents, its really freaking crazy to freak me out like that! I hate yooouuuu!!

huuuuuuuu....ok, I feel loads better now. I just cant keep all the feelings anymore. I must learn to let go.