of hopes and dreams

if you're not the boss, you're always controlled by "the man". heck, even bosses have bosses.

I am a free-spirited, why chain me?
I have hopes and dreams, why wont you care?
I have fears and doubts, why wont you listen?

Because changes are scary, they're something new, something foreign, something unfamiliar.
Therefore its scary.
Maybe its a blessing in disguise?
I dunno what to do?
If I stay, is it for me? or for whom?
If I go, is it for me? or do I have anything left, anyone to miss or be missed?

motip aku ala2 berpuisi tgh2 mlm buta tok :P

My job: I love him, I love him not

I love writing in my blog. its the only media I write stuff I really feel like saying... I dont give a damn about people in facebook or twitter. In those areas, I'd resort to passive aggressive comments to people I'm pissed off at. This is different. This is my place, my own, my precioussss :D

My life is quite crazy at the moment. As usual, in Miri Hospital, there arent always enough housemans (or housemen? i really dont know :P). currently there are 4 of us in male medical ward (which is always full to the brim with patients), and 2 of them are first posters. They are learning, we're still learning. I have to wake up at 5am every morning, got to ward around 6am to finish round. And I'm always on call, I basically live in the hospital. Like, my big-sized facial wash is in the ward and I'm using the travel size at home! wth??

Yeah, I complained a lot about my job. I don't want to complain because it's my job..but i need to because I'm a human. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. I've been in this love-hate relationship with my job for so long. and it has made me feel dead, and alive at the same time. It will never get easier, you'll just have to get better.

I've sacrificed my life, my family time, my love life for my patients. Karma, please be good to me :P

chain of screaming

When somebody did/said something awful to us, we would always say, "I swear I wouldn't do such a thing to other people next time".. but then, later came, and you did/said exactly what the awful person did to you, to another person (and its worse because you already know how suck-y the other person must be feeling)

and we will come up with something reasonable to justify what we did, no matter how much we know it'd hurt the other person.

we are selfish, sometimes. its just how the world roll.

Mood Swings

When I was little, I was a quiet, very very introverted person. As usual, being compared to my elder sister (who's basically my twin because we're just 1 year apart), who was always temperamental, she's like the fire and I was the water. I was calm and collected. I kept everything to myself, and I didn't know how to voice out my feelings.

Then growing up, finding that my life, my home wasn't perfect, there were conflicts here and there. I hated it. All the negatives, even though I was away for studies, they affected me real bad. People used to come to me to pour out everything. Maybe because of my calm peaceful image, people assume I was very level-headed and I could take it all peacefully. I had to be strong for them. I couldn't break down, I couldn't shed my tears for them. But I wasn't all that peaceful. I grew angry, bitter, hateful of the negative things. I hated how people couldn't see how bad they were hurting themselves and our family. and I hated the fact that we were not aggressive enough in dealing with the problems, and I hated the most when I wasn't able to do anything to help. I was always angry.

Then I found the strength to voice out my anger. It wasn't the right thing, maybe. I expressed everything factually, regardless of anyone's feelings. I felt like I just wanted to say whatever I think, without caring how people react or feel about it. It gave me some kind of a relief, than bottling it all up inside. Also, I became a control freak, I believed that I could change everything, that I could at least affect other people's actions, or whatever I felt was right. And when things didn't go my way, I hated it, I got angry. It was tiring, being angry and feeling negative.

Then, I don't know, maybe I got some kind of epiphany...like I realized if I was treated the way people were treated by me, I wouldn't like it either. So I learned to let go of the anger. Learned to enjoy the journey, smell the flowers along the way. Learned that its okay not to be okay once in a while. that perfect isn't everything. I have came at peace with my wrath. Maybe I would bitch once in a while in twitter, but hey, its okay to let off some steam in a harmless way :)

The world is not beautiful, therefore it is. Kino no Tabi -the Beautiful World-

All by myself

Sometimes I feel like I can't connect with most people. Like disconnected in my own world.
It gets lonely sometimes, but that's just me. We all got those moments, I guess?
Sometimes it sucks, sometimes its all I need, time all for myself.
I have came to accept it. Came at peace with it!