all eyes on me

errr...nah, not in a good way, actually.
well, I just joined the anaest department for my 5th posting.
I've done paeds, ObGyn, ortho, surgery.
Now, anaest, then medical to finish off my housemanship.

today's the 7th day of anaest posting.
hum...its kinda different for me. because its not like other ward-orientated work I've done before. now, works are mostly done in the OT... n there are loads of procedures; premeds, drugs to dilute, then to the anaest stuff like spinal/general anaesthesia etc etc.

I hate the drugs part. I'm not used to diluting drugs and all that. the staff nurses do that in the ward. and my math is not that good, like I can't really count that fast in my head, like the doses and stuff. and loads of pharmacology crap load.

and I have to learn how to use the ventilator machine thingy, and the monitoring screen which has like thousands of numbers and grafts of the patient's vitals and ventilation setting thing. and physiology of breathing and all that also.

and all the other stuff like helping to set up the patients, and running around taking stuff...making sure everything is ready for the patient and the next patient.

 and sometimes i got told off for just standing there, or standing where im not supposed to. like, forgive meeeee, i have not done this before.

dont get me wrong, I like some of the people in the new department, especially the anaesthetists, they were really cool and calm. and also, of course, wherever you go, there will be just some people who will step on you or irritate you, well, just someone who's not your cup of tea.

I really hate it when people are just looking at other people's mistakes, and not appreciating the improvements in your progress or your learning curve. so yeah, at first, I feel like its a motivation, like I need to do better and prove to them that I'm good. but time and time again, I would get shut off and shoved some more, its just really tiring to keep the optimism. I just dont wanna give a damn about other people. I'm gonna do everything for ME. not going to make other people happy. I will do it just for ME and for MY own satisfaction. everything else is freaking WHATEVER!

so yeah, I've been working from 7am-10pm for a week now. its freaking exhausting. how can they expect me to memorize the drugs doses and dilutions, and all the pharmacology stuff when my brain is fried? I honestly have doubts about this posting.

exhausted

gonna sleep in a while, so i'll just update this real quick.
its just im so exhausted. i've been working (tagging) at anaest department for 5 days....working from 7am-10pm..so frreaking' tiring.

dont have time to study, but there are loads to learn. i feel like my brain is getting sluggish and lazy.
im just gonna sleep now.
good nite.

I miss my real bed

just got back from Mukah trip home.  I had a really nice time with my family and the not so quite developing town. I love being back home. I feel refreshed and away from the hospital stress.

Sometimes I do have questions like, is this the life that I want? Is the level of stress worth for my level of passion towards medicine? I mean, I love all the science and all that...its the people that make things complicated most of the time. Hm...I sound like Dr. House..haha!

Dont get me wrong, I dont have anything against medicine. I am totally not forced to becoming a doctor. Maybe I was indoctrinated a bit by my family since little (watch Asian F in Glee)..haha..but I dunno, I guess I love it sometimes. But I know I'm more to artsy kinda person. I love it when I designed things, I love to show my personality, my emotions, my expressions in art, like fashion, or interior design and all that. I just dont have much basic or stepping stone to really develop all that.

Anyways, I'd always miss my home. I want to change it coz its old, and its been built poorly by bloodsucker contractors that used my parents money for other things.

So, I'm gonna sleep in my Miri bed tonight. I miss my old bed~

show n tell

I'm bored, so im just gonna write about the surgical night last week.
we had fun, singing, dancing.
and im kinda proud of my outfit.

the theme of the night was "Bling Bling" and since i cant find any decent sequined dress without looking cheap, i decided to implement a bit of rock in my outfit. yup, but since i wear tudung, i wouldnt wanna look like im lost in a Kiss concert.

so, its a studded black shirt, on which i sew on some chains. n i wear a shawl and i clipped on some chains as well. then i wore a plain simple black jeans with black shoes. i love the feeling of the chains behind my back. kinda cool the way they sway XD