~liyana~

new year? just a beginning of a date!

2012-01-08T11:20:00.001+08:00

Why people get excited about the new year? its just waking up to another day, right?
and people are raving about 20.12.2012
I think the celebration is because we all crave for a new start, so we try to find the reason for a new beginning.

my resolutions? I just wanna be better. In whatever.
Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, fashionably (yessss!)

The quest of finding myself is neverending.

So yeah, hope we're able to find whatever we seek for. Even if we didnt get what we originally want, I hope the journey will make us get whatever we need!

Welcome, 2012!

my dreamland, my own

2011-12-22T23:37:00.003+08:00

yessss... I'm a dreamer.

I just loooove to dream...

whenever people telling me long, boring stories

in a boring meeting

in a boring presentation

while walking

while driving

while sleeping...

I just love it.
I dream about...
fashion...alwaysss thinking of themes and styles that I'd love and like to try on
couture...owning couturiere stuff, and shopping at like, Saks Fifth Avenue like nobody's business
interior design...like how to decorate my car/room/house or even designing my own future dream house!
travel...to other places, meeting cute guys in snow..hahaha
fantasy...like having wings, i love black feathery ones, kinda like a dark angel, and flying around

and the other dreams, like
revenge....crushing the face of someone I hate, pushing them off cliffs, or setting a hungry vicious Rottweiler on them, errr...dont get me started
people make over...like imagining the people in front of me with different styles and clothes, what should be changed, what should not be worn in public eye etc.
crazyyy...like, if i was stuck in a situation that i'd really like to get out of...i started to dream that if I could, I would be a transforming werewolf...like i would be all like, "i dont wanna change", "someone stop me!" but...there nothing anyone can do, and i keep transforming, claws growing out of my nails, fangs popping out my teeth, i'd get all furry and fury, trashing around, destroying all the things in the midst, glass shattered, walls rumbling down, floor shaking, people running and screaming around, maybe i could catch someone or two (maybe that boring person who made me start daydreaming, or someone i dislike)....... oh yeah, that was fun, wasnt it?!!

so yeah, when life gets hard, I love to run away to my dreams land, where everything is just right!

Eclipse watch @ 10/12/11

2011-12-11T22:53:00.001+08:00

hum...just wanna write about the yesterday's lunar eclipse.
TOTALLY amazing!!
My friend, kunnoe, invited me to come with some nature lovers to a place to watch the eclipse.
its really fun because they have all these fancy telescope.
like, I could totally see the crates on the moon! Just lovely.

Oh, and the place was quite far from Miri, about 30mins drive. at first I was kinda like, apprehensive, because its a long ride on a dark, lonely road. but the view was totally worth it!
its kinda like at a cliff overseeing a beach.
the beach was awesome! the waves were crashing on the sand violently, the wind was magnificent, we were bathed by the pure moon light.
i think its one of the most beautiful views everrrr!

this is jupiter! my 1st time seeing it~ hello, jupiter!

my bff, Kunnoe...thanks for the great time! :)

Etiquettology of borrowing

2011-12-09T01:13:00.002+08:00

I would like to believe that common courtesy is the primary rule of harmonious living.
I would like to believe that it still exists.

I am very particular about my stuff, my belongings. I'd like to be owning them with happiness inside my personal space.
Therefore, I really, REALLY hate it! when people borrow aka use my stuff without my permission. You'd think "eh, logically speaking, they should ask before they borrow something"
But yeah, logic doesnt really co-exist all the time with the thing named human.

Like,
I hated it when my sisters borrow my clothes
I hated it when my housemate used my bedroom to sleep in when her family came
I hated it when I wanted to wear some shoes, then, oh, somebody borrowed it
I hated it when people use my car.
without asking me first.

I'm so sorry, I love you guys to bits, but this is really my pet peeve, and its really annoying. But I find it hard to tell logically thinking people, "hey, I found out you worn my shirt the other day. why didnt you ask first?". and when my housemate told me "hey, I used your room to sleep in the other day, because my family came and they slept in my bedroom. and thank god, you forgot to lock your door, or I couldnt have taken advantage of your forgettery stupid brain" oh well, she didnt really say that, but really, I felt like I have been used like a nobody without any respect. and I really hate conflicts..and sometimes I just let it be but my heart was raging with wrath.

Its not like I'm possessive or stingy with my belongings. I dont mind lending my clothes, my room, my shoes, my car to someone, but, like, HELLO, its COMMON COURTESY to ASK FIRST! I'd love to think that, once I own something, I would have the luxury to use it whenever I want, without figuring out that I cant use it because someone has used it without telling me first. and most important and the biggest deal of all, its a sign of RESPECT towards me. respect that you acknowledged me as the owner, respect that you know I'll be nice enough to let you use my things, respect towards anything I own, that I have put my best efforts in choosing or taking care of. Please, RESPECT ME.

Its kinda hard sometimes, because I usually arrange my outfit with a holistic approach. and if I cant wear THE shoes, I have to re-arrange the whole ensemble. I dont mean to sound so vain, but its just me.

Anywaysssss....asking permission, just say, "can I, please?" (yes, I really love it when people care about the P's and Q's)
Am I too scary to ask from? (FYI, I dont bite. really.)
Is it too much to ask??

yesss...its common sense...I've written a blog about it here, but thats a different story I guess :P

all eyes on me

2011-11-26T00:38:00.000+08:00

errr...nah, not in a good way, actually.
well, I just joined the anaest department for my 5th posting.
I've done paeds, ObGyn, ortho, surgery.
Now, anaest, then medical to finish off my housemanship.

today's the 7th day of anaest posting.
hum...its kinda different for me. because its not like other ward-orientated work I've done before. now, works are mostly done in the OT... n there are loads of procedures; premeds, drugs to dilute, then to the anaest stuff like spinal/general anaesthesia etc etc.

I hate the drugs part. I'm not used to diluting drugs and all that. the staff nurses do that in the ward. and my math is not that good, like I can't really count that fast in my head, like the doses and stuff. and loads of pharmacology crap load.

and I have to learn how to use the ventilator machine thingy, and the monitoring screen which has like thousands of numbers and grafts of the patient's vitals and ventilation setting thing. and physiology of breathing and all that also.

and all the other stuff like helping to set up the patients, and running around taking stuff...making sure everything is ready for the patient and the next patient.

and sometimes i got told off for just standing there, or standing where im not supposed to. like, forgive meeeee, i have not done this before.

dont get me wrong, I like some of the people in the new department, especially the anaesthetists, they were really cool and calm. and also, of course, wherever you go, there will be just some people who will step on you or irritate you, well, just someone who's not your cup of tea.

I really hate it when people are just looking at other people's mistakes, and not appreciating the improvements in your progress or your learning curve. so yeah, at first, I feel like its a motivation, like I need to do better and prove to them that I'm good. but time and time again, I would get shut off and shoved some more, its just really tiring to keep the optimism. I just dont wanna give a damn about other people. I'm gonna do everything for ME. not going to make other people happy. I will do it just for ME and for MY own satisfaction. everything else is freaking WHATEVER!

so yeah, I've been working from 7am-10pm for a week now. its freaking exhausting. how can they expect me to memorize the drugs doses and dilutions, and all the pharmacology stuff when my brain is fried? I honestly have doubts about this posting.

exhausted

2011-11-24T23:59:00.000+08:00

gonna sleep in a while, so i'll just update this real quick.
its just im so exhausted. i've been working (tagging) at anaest department for 5 days....working from 7am-10pm..so frreaking' tiring.

dont have time to study, but there are loads to learn. i feel like my brain is getting sluggish and lazy.
im just gonna sleep now.
good nite.

I miss my real bed

2011-11-20T00:30:00.000+08:00

just got back from Mukah trip home. I had a really nice time with my family and the not so quite developing town. I love being back home. I feel refreshed and away from the hospital stress.

Sometimes I do have questions like, is this the life that I want? Is the level of stress worth for my level of passion towards medicine? I mean, I love all the science and all that...its the people that make things complicated most of the time. Hm...I sound like Dr. House..haha!

Dont get me wrong, I dont have anything against medicine. I am totally not forced to becoming a doctor. Maybe I was indoctrinated a bit by my family since little (watch Asian F in Glee)..haha..but I dunno, I guess I love it sometimes. But I know I'm more to artsy kinda person. I love it when I designed things, I love to show my personality, my emotions, my expressions in art, like fashion, or interior design and all that. I just dont have much basic or stepping stone to really develop all that.

Anyways, I'd always miss my home. I want to change it coz its old, and its been built poorly by bloodsucker contractors that used my parents money for other things.

So, I'm gonna sleep in my Miri bed tonight. I miss my old bed~

show n tell

2011-11-11T23:52:00.000+08:00

I'm bored, so im just gonna write about the surgical night last week.
we had fun, singing, dancing.
and im kinda proud of my outfit.

the theme of the night was "Bling Bling" and since i cant find any decent sequined dress without looking cheap, i decided to implement a bit of rock in my outfit. yup, but since i wear tudung, i wouldnt wanna look like im lost in a Kiss concert.

so, its a studded black shirt, on which i sew on some chains. n i wear a shawl and i clipped on some chains as well. then i wore a plain simple black jeans with black shoes. i love the feeling of the chains behind my back. kinda cool the way they sway XD

Miri Sushi King Sucks!

2011-10-06T22:40:00.000+08:00

Yup, the service sucks so effing hard.
Last time, I went there just to order some takeaway sushi, but waited for like 15 minutes and all the waiters/waitresses still didn't even bother to apologize or just explained they're gonna be late because they're swamped or something. You know... like common courtesy and stuff. Yup, and when I called to them politely, they will just either ignore me or replied like, "one second!" with a sour face or rolling eyeballs.

Of course, I stormed out of it because I just can't stand slowpokes/rude people/bad services.

Then, my family wanted to eat there, so I thought I'd give it a second chance?
And I was still disappointed. We waited for about 1/2 hour to be seated, and we called 4 waitresses who just ignored us. There were dirty tables everywhere and we couldn't have a seat. Aaand, they have guts to say "arigato gozaimasu" when we stormed out of that stupid place. What in the effing hell should I be thankful about for such crappy service??

So, in the end...we just left and had our dinner next door at Secret Recipe. At least we're seated and attended to immediately after we entered the restaurant.

SO yeah, peeps... Miri Sushi King service sucks like hell! The WORST ever! Dont even gooo there if you dont want to lose your sanity!!! Stay away from it, for god's sake!!!!!!

Yes, I hate it that much. Please don't support Miri Sushi King. Arigato gozaimasu!

post-Raya

2011-09-18T11:03:00.000+08:00

its more than halfway through Syawal, and man...I miss my raya celebrations so much!
being with my beloved family at my beloved house and kampung. its a really nice feeling.

our Raya was really meriah. this year we changed the paint, the curtains and the sofa. so its quite a refreshing change. and I was proud to say that I did contribute a lot on the color and arrangement selections :P. I really love designs.

though, our beloved tailor couldnt finish all of our raya outfits (curses!), and I have to make do with premade clothes and last years. but I still rock them! :P

and I love the food, mostly, even though they're SUPER fattening! Raya was an exception I guess.

so yeah, I love my raya, and cant wait for the next year's! XD

my beloved family XOXO

Malang tidak berbau

2011-08-29T08:22:00.000+08:00

I woke up this morning, thinking yesterday was all a bad dream, that I shouldn't be waking up at my Miri home, when I should've arrived at Mukah yesterday. but I can still see the event clearly.

It was a nice, sunny day. Well, it all happened when my family (mom, dad, ida) drove in our Kembara to Miri to pick me up. we were happily started driving back to Mukah, around 2pm. We put some Raya songs on the player, and I was wearing my beloved Gucci shades. We snapped some photos with my new digicam. We chatted happily. It was all happy and dandy. then it started raining. and driving through Sarawak roads is already a challenge itself without adding the rain factor. then around 3.30pm, it happened. the worst 5 seconds of our day! there was a motorcyclist riding in front of our car, when he wanted to make a turn, our car slowed down and tried to brake, but the slippery road kinda cancelled out the brake. it was crazy! it happened so fast! I was at the passenger's seat, and I saw everything, the moment our car hit the motorcycle, the impact, the motorcyclist being thrown back to the windshield in front of my face, then thrown to the side! we stopped the car, and I ran in the rain towards the man. he was lying face down in a dry ditch beside the road, not moving. and the scary part is when my dad, who's usually keep a cool head, had a look on his face and said out loud, "oh no, there wont be any Raya for us this year"

the villagers all started coming towards the accident site. women were crying and screaming. the men were yelling, some angry at us, some concerned about the man. my dad tried to explain, but some remained angry, accusing us of carelessness. then the ketua kampung came, and there was some talking and then the crowd calmed down a bit. it was crazy! I was concerned about whether the man was still alive or not, when I heard another villager said "you're gonna pay for all the damage to the motorcycle!"

I saw him breathing and there's no blood anywhere. Ok, I thought, he's alive, but I couldn't rule out any spine or head trauma. or he could have intraabdominal injury and internally bleeding. about 1 minute later, the man kinda woke up and sit up by himself. the ditch was pretty shallow, so I jumped into the ditch. he was alert and orientated. he denied any loss of consciousness, headache and all that. he said he's breathing fine and there was no pain other than at his left shoulder. i could breathe easier at the moment. then we helped him up and brought him to the nearest clinic, where I assessed him more, and from the look of it, he just sustained some bruises and abrasions at the left shoulder and left back. then I escorted him to Miri Hospital in an ambulance (its my first time being in an ambulance!). In the clinic and ambulance, we talked, and he's a nice man who didn't even blame us about the accident, and just thankful that everyone's ok. met my MOs in A&E, who examined him further. Xray was clear. patient was discharged home with some analgesics.

Our car was a wreck, I think the battery's gone coz we cant even start the car. so we went home to my Miri house and settled everything. Its very sad that I'm still stuck here when tomorrow's Raya. the aftermath of the accident is still felt among my family members. lots of "what if"s and "I wish I didnt"s. but I guess what happened, happened. and we just have to be positive about it and just grateful the god allows us to breathe in this world still.

well, Happy Hari Raya to all! Hope this Raya brings us all happiness, and drive safely!
XOXO

retail overdose

2011-08-07T20:42:00.000+08:00

I swear shopping is my absolut drug.

I went out to buy this:

I came back with these:

and this isn't my worst case yet.

well, of course, the shoes are essential for my work, since I've been using the same shoes for like months now..and I HAVE to update my wardrobe, and the Elle watch is just SOOO lovely, its a really good investment.

I swear I had to literally hold my tongue from saying "I'll take the hot pink VAIO netbook too!!!" Its soooo tempting though, I might get it some other time, since I need some netbook for me to carry around.

Although, I really hate the way the collections of shoes and clothes in Miri shopping complexes ALWAYS stay the same! snore! and the salesgirls are SO effing rude, mostly, and I had fun messing the folded clothes just to get my revenge!! :P

Anyways, I have had my happy moment today~ and I love my new digicam!! *happy*

birthday and anniversary~

2011-07-26T22:40:00.000+08:00

20th July~
My anniversary: 1 year being a houseman in Miri Hospital~

1st posting: Paediatrics
OMG, its really hard to adapt to the hospital system. A change from a mere medical student to a working houseman, is a HUGE change! All the heavy weight of responsibilities towards your patients, responsibilities towards yourself to improve your knowledge and skills. I remembered being kinda depressed and all, and of course, the thought of quitting comes once in a while. There is always something that will "kill" you; a patient, a nurse, a fellow houseman, an MO, a specialist. But, its all a learning process. It is hard at first, adapting to the wild environment. Patients always come first, no matter what. Sometimes we went without food or water, even time for wash room, just for the patients. We work 24/7.. and weekends off and leaves are SOOOO precious!
I guess, chanting "what doesn't kill you make you stronger" will help sometimes. lol

"Meredith Grey : I can't think of a single reason why I should be a surgeon, but I can think of a thousand reasons why I should quit. They make it hard on purpose... there are lives in our hands. There comes a moment when it's more than just a game, and you either take that step forward or turn around and walk away. I could quit but here's the thing, I love the playing field"

3nd posting: ObGyn
OMG! One of the busiest posting EVER! and its really scary, because we always dunno whats really going on in the womb of a mother. When a CTG goes bad, or a mother has PV bleed, its a scary experience. But, the nurses and my colleagues, also the bosses are mostly helpful, so its quite a fun posting for me, despite it being the infamously the busiest posting ever!

3rd posting: Orthopaedics
Its kinda okay for me. Its quite relaxing at times, but it can get REALLY busy too (like a massive road traffic accidents). I don't really like this posting, to be honest. Maybe I'm not interested in ortho. And, since its, kinda like conquered by males, there are loads of dirty jokes and all that, sometimes they got really ugly. lol...anyway, I love most of my colleagues HOs there, we went through quite a lot, being supportive of each other and all that...and the nurses are super nice. We're like Best Bitches Forever. God, I love bitching with them! lol..but I'm really glad I've successfully done with this posting.

4th posting: Surgery
Okay, its just 1 week since I've joined surgical department. Its quite fun. Things are really organized. The bosses are super nice. And I love learning all the medical stuff... I really love it here..and I hope it will stay pleasant! :)

and its my 25th birthday on the 21st July!

OMG, I'm 25! but nothing special though~ Just feeling content and grateful for this 25 years...hope all the years ahead of me will bring me good stuff and hopefully I will continue to improve myself and all that.

home home

2011-07-19T22:22:00.000+08:00

Just got back from the really needed 1 week leave! I went back to home in Mukah.. I've really missed my home and family!

Anyway, I've been so stressed and depressed. All the negative things are really taking their toll on my life! I hate the demoralizing moments, all the days spent feeling useless and under-appreciated. All the fun from learning sucked out of our souls. All the superiority-inferiority-complex tearing us apart. All the bitchiness scarring our hearts. I hate all the moments when I dreaded EVERY single day. when everything gave me the reason to hate waking up in the mornings. the things they said, done, not-said-but-said-behind-us. Just..everything..that made me hate life! I hated everything. I hate seeing their faces, I hate listening to their talks, I hate looking at their pretentious act! God knows how much I hate them! I can't help but feel glad that everything's over. Nothing can be worse than that... lol, I hope!

So, I'm really thankful for the leave. meeting with my family's really refreshing, and I just love relaxing at home. Aya, my lovely niece, is getting cuter! though, she's really naughty too..So, I love playing with her, but she kinda reminds me that I'm not ready for kids! lol

and tomorrow, new beginning! I'll be starting in Surgical department of Miri Hospital, and tomorrow's the 1 year anniversary of me being a houseman! 1 year of housemanship in Miri hospital. Hope I can have strength to finish the other year of my housemanship~

I Miss netball!!

2011-07-11T21:57:00.000+08:00

I played netball last Saturday... Its been like..1 year plus since I last played.

It was kinda fun...though I kinda lost my touch a bit.

And, we lost! *sob sob* Only managed to get the 4th place.

And I'm honestly a sore loser.

I just love to win. Like, who doesn't???

I don't give a damn about "kalah menang adat perlawanan"

I just love to win.

Unfortunately, we didn't... my heart broke into several pieces..

lol, anywhoooooo.... I really miss my old netball team.

A team where everyone knows everyone's moves, and the game is just smooth and fun.

Oh well, I now just wanna play more netball! Its really nostalgic! >.<

Negativo

2011-07-08T22:23:00.000+08:00

Humm...I don't understand people who's very negative! Like, people who are really judgmental, and love bitching maybe a little bit tooooo much!

okay, like, simple and usual example.
you work your ass off, EVERY single day, also covering for Sir Kissass-a-lot who has not been doing anything, but could get away with it, well, because, you know what.
then one day, you come late because you had to poop, because you have food poisoning really bad.
and your coworkers would be like

A: omg, that lazy son of a bitch, he ALWAYS takes any chance to not do work!
(then bitches B, C and D get reaaaally excited once a target is acquired!! they're practically lactating from all the hormonal and emotional imbalances)

B: OMG, A, seriously!! he NEVER does ANY work AT ALL. You know lah kan, he's from Kampung Oren. The people there are ALL lazy
(usage of totally unrelated and bias statement)

C: I KNOW he's sitting around, drinking coffee at some kedai mamak. CONFIRMED!!
(usage of a totally presumptuous fiction)

D: org gemuk mcm tu, of coz la berak banyak!
(this one is just to bitch the bitchee's character)

etc. etc.

God! I really can't stand those kind of bitches. Who are overly negative the sight of their faces trigger the nausea part of your brain! And their eyes and ears are like scanners to detect any available target to bitch about.

I love bitching, but I don't look for any reason to. If I bump into someone that has given me the reason to bitch, I'll bitch. Otherwise, I like to remain happy and free and positive.

near death

2011-06-29T23:16:00.001+08:00

okay, that may be too much...

but..just now, I had an episode, where my head went spinning 360 degrees in slow motion...like whooooo~~~ (wooooozyyy!!)
its a really weird feeling, since I've never ever fainted in my whole life (well, except when I nearly had a syncope attack when I was in a marching competition in high school :P)
It may be hypoglycemia, since I haven't eaten since lunch because I spent my lunch hour napping... or dehydration...or I think it mostly caused by sleep deprivation, since we spend most of our night in the OT when I was oncall last night.

then...it kinda made me wonder, what if this is how people feel when they're near to death?
what if we faint and never get to get up again??
like, it happens out of a sudden, without any warning

gosh, its scary to like, die.. without any warning
and like, alone
and like, not ready
AT ALL

okay, I'm not really a pious person... sometimes I miss my solat, I bitch about people, I lie, I make my parents angry, I make people angry etc etc.
so yeah, thats why its understandable to be scared of death, because we're not well prepared to meet our Creator.
kinda like having exam scares, because we're not prepared to meet the lecturers.

so, its kinda like a wake up call to me. I have to appreciate life more, and be closer to God as much as I can. because even though we're scientists, we need faith to be spiritually healthy as well, to be healthy as a wholesome individual.

so yeah, I'll be good. I wanna be better!

errr....and good night, I need some sleep now

play pretend

2011-06-27T22:24:00.001+08:00

when you've given up on making things actually better.
the other alternative, shut down your emotions
and play pretend :P

btw, my main distraction of my stress now is I'm gonna redecorate my bedroom.
Its a REAALLY messy place right now, just because I don't feel like tidying it up. Hee...mom's gonna flip if she saw the state of my room right now :P
But, seriously, I wanna turn it into my sanctuary, relaxing, soothing, and totally ME! ME! ME!

Step 1: change curtain (plan on Saturday)
ideas:
1. white curtain with black lace
2. black curtain
3. black and white damask curtain (seems like impossible to find this pattern though!! argh!)

alright, one step at a time..can't wait!!!

The dark side

2011-06-24T22:54:00.001+08:00

lately I feel so demotivated
like, I don't feel happy most of the time
I'm angry, I'm upset, I'm sick of everything
I'm anhedonic, I don't even feel like shopping.

I keep on asking, where does everything go wrong?
Is it him? Is it her? Is it them? Is it ME?
am I the source of my own happiness?
What do I do wrong? I keep on trying and trying, but all "it" sees is mistakes.
No appreciation. I feel like shit.

What is my purpose? What's the reason to live? What's the reason to wake up in the morning?
Why am I unhappy? What should I do?
Confront my enemies? That would make things worse
Keep on thinking of angry thoughts and revenge? That would kill my mind, slowly and deadly
Distractions? That would not cure the cause
Solving the problem? err....can I really solve it? because my solution would be rejected
Walk away? I'd love to. But it wouldn't solve anything, besides, it would make "it" happy that "it" had beaten me. so I wouldn't want that.

So, I really dunno what to do.
Reward myself? Can I feel the relief? Its just like adding some delicious cream on top of a crappy tasting cake.
Punish myself? Can I feel the redemption? Will my pain relief my suffering, or just another distraction from the real problem?

And why do people always generalize? stereotyping? being bias? I hate to be punished from generalization, not because of my own mistakes. "It" makes assumptions. Talk behind my back. Have "it" ever asked me why? The reasons behind my actions? Oh, I forgot... "it" doesn't have the capacity to accept rationalizations from someone "it" hates. "It's" emotions pollute "it:s reasoning, therefore "it" wouldn't be able to think that what I said is honest and sincere from my heart, without any intention of being aggressive and destructive.

So much for a 21st century community. I can really feel my mind and soul are slowly decaying.

God, only you are the source of my strength. Without you, I'd definitely had gone off somewhere bad.
Please gimme something that can make me feel more alive. Maybe make me grow some wings so I can just fly away and feel FREE!

Gimme something... that can make me feel.... INNER PEACE!

P.S. I really miss my family and BFFs! you guys are my life! XOXO

Gimme some time

2011-06-23T20:47:00.000+08:00

when I fell down....
Please allow me some time to cry, to be sad, to dwell in my sorrow
Please allow me some time to lick my wounds
Please allow me some time to heal

Before I pick myself up

Human make mistakes, but is the mistakes all you can see?

road less taken!

2011-06-20T22:44:00.000+08:00

today I took my last dose of Augmentin, which is really great, because I, like other normal people, kinda hate taking pills, especially in my OCD state, I had to follow the time and all that. So, its been a week since I was awfully sick! I love being well again!

Anyway, last weekend, I went to Bintulu for my friend's wedding! I had to drive alone to Bintulu, which would take ~2 1/2 - 3 hours of drive..its kinda scary at first, but when I started driving, I had sooo much fun! Its mildly enlightening, with the sceneries, and my repeated CD play. besides, I took the "old" road, which has less drivers, but the road is quite bumpy and all..but the journey is the most important thing..thats why I love, the road less taken.

beginning of the journey!

okay, I totally slow down to get all the pics! pls dont do this anywhere! :P

me with the bride! posing gitewww~

anyways, we went to the wedding (congrats to Kunnoe for the wedding!!!), and the fun time was when I met some of my high school friends! and I stayed at Yan's house (thanks Yan for the awesome stay and cute cats!!)

so now, hurm.....back to work... errr...why do I kinda always dislike my job? I need some soul searching to do... haha

state of glum

2011-06-15T19:44:00.000+08:00

I'm sick and alone... its so depressing
I wanna eat but I lost my appetite
I wanna read but my head's all haywired
I wanna go home, but I'm stuck here

seriously, people said its easy to find friends to laugh with, but friends to cry/whine/bitch with, they're so rare and invaluable. some people are kinda like "blah blah blah, u whine so much and feelings are for looooosers! forget about the worries, we're here to have fun! hahahahahahaha"
and im not saying that we should cry/whine/bitch all the time like the emo people..there has to be a balance in everything!
therefore, I'm not an expressive person in general. I only chose to disclose my feelings to people who're close and precious to me..and heck, I miss them all very much in this dire time.

homesick

2011-06-12T20:49:00.000+08:00

I have URTI 1 week ago...but just started having fever since yesterday..

n yesterday, the ortho department organized a futsal game, which I joined too, despite being oncall (passive). needless to say, since I'm fully living a sedentary lifestyle, the game seriously beat me. well, its kinda fun during the game (though my stamina's totally zero, and my aim sucks real bad), we laughed and had a great time..it was FUN!

then I went back to hospital, straightaway went to OT for a wound debridement, at that time, I still feel kinda well coz of all the endorphines.

then I slept..and when I woke up, I hurt like, EVERYWHERE! and my fever got worse coz I slept in a room thats too cold. god, its really killing me...since I have chills and rigors since this evening and every movement is excruciating!!!

and I'm all alone coz my housemate is oncall... I really miss my family...someone to take care of me when I'm sick..huhu..

I wish I'll be better tomorrow, because taking a sick leave would mean deducting it from my 8days/4 months leave..*sigh*

God, please heal me..

hear me, please?

2011-06-08T20:38:00.000+08:00

I hate to get pulled in a discussion in which every opinions I have is rejected.
Like, when I tried my best to answer some questions, everything I said is brushed off.
Kinda makes me feel like stupid, and yeah, pretty useless in that group.
Err...I don't get it..why bother asking people to be active in a discussion when you couldn't even listen to other people's opinions?
Like, its a discussion, for God's sake...for people changing "opinions", in case you dunno what that means, it means people's point of view, which may not be a fact, it can be right or wrong.

maybe in their head, I seem to be not knowing about anything... but in my point of view, they are just narrow-minded people, who have 1950's brains.

Urgh..its just NO fun, getting dragged in a discussion with STUBBORN idiots.

post holiday paradox

2011-05-24T19:11:00.000+08:00

I just got back from Labuan! My parents and I are sending my little sister, A'in to Labuan Matriculation College (LMC).
Its really fun and enjoyable. I love being with my family, being just another human than a lifeless houseman. Besides, its with my family that I can just be me, the real me.

So, Friday evening, I rushed back home from work, packed my clothings and my housemate sent me to the airport. Its such a joyful moment when I saw my little sis and parents. God knows how I miss them soooo much!

then we went to Labuan, reached there around 9pm. We stayed at Mariner Hotel. its a pretty okay hotel there (since Labuan is full with small, small hotels). Then, everyday was really hectic. We had to go shopping for my sister's matriculation things. then, we had to shop for souvenirs to bring home. then, we had to shop for ourselves~ shopping with my mom's really great! I got a rm100+ Italian silk cloth for just rm65! her bargaining skill is really amazing! hehe

then, when we reached LMC, its really nostalgic!!! the lecture halls, and the tutorial rooms, they all remain the same..just a minor changes here and there with the cafes, and the ageing of the hostels.. the matrix really brought back memories.

but the change is the kids nowadays. strolling with iphone, laptops and netbooks.. I remember 6-7 years ago, I was using nokia 3310, with no laptops or internet. we're still using diskettes for our assignments and we have to queue up to use internet and computer in the library. lucky kids nowadays!

I'm a more of a family kinda girl, so I love being around my house and my family. I remembered feeling homesick whenever I left home. its a really tough thing to adapt whenever I'm far away from home. then, upon saying farewell to my little sis, I couldnt help but to shed tears because its just really sad.

then, we shop for some more, then went back to Miri today. I feel kinda sad when sending my parents to the airport. I really miss them soooo much. their presence really calm me down and de-stress me.

view from the entrance!

in front of the library!

with dear A'in

Bas wajib budak2 KML!

now, I just feel really sad, because of the drastic change... the happy, care-less holiday, ended up abruptly and now I have to go back to the harsh reality of stressful work. I have a full blown blues right now. cant believe I'm almost 25 and I still have homesick like I was in secondary school. maybe sometimes, some part of you just wont grow up, huh?

keep your enemies closer

2011-05-20T18:08:00.000+08:00

I love the saying coz its true....

keep your friends close, and your enemy closer...

-so you can choke them in their sleep
-so you can slip poison in their drinks
-so you can kick them in the balls
-so you can claw their eyes out
-so you can push them off a cliff
-so you can *insert malice things here*

sorry for this hate-ridden post. currently I'm just so full of hate. oh, and anger. anger is like oil poured to my burning hatred. there's always someone we'd all hate. I dont understand. why cant we just live in peace (rather than wishing people to rest in peace).

its just that things arent going so good nowadays, and you dunno where to turn to because the person you're pouring your hearts out might blind side you and all. I just CANT TRUST ANYONE! its like a Survivor game. its crazy.

anyway, im going out with my family this weekend. i hope I will be better later.
my poor little heart is sooooo filled with profanities right now....lemme just pour one out.

I FUCKING HATE YOU (to whom it may concerned)

God, please forgive me..so, thats all, bye!

Party poopers

2011-05-18T22:42:00.000+08:00

it sucks, ne? when you're having fun, enjoying and relaxing. then...some bitch came and screw everything around, stepping on EVERYBODY's toes, pointing fingers and blaming everyone on every little stupid things.

kinda like,
Bitch: why are you wearing leather shoes? dont you know cows are getting extinct?
Me: eh, those are not leather shoes, and cows are blooming all around the world
Bitch: eh...no no NO NO NO! cow's are getting extinct NO matter what. because I said so
Me: but.....
Bitch: no buts! what I said is what I said! and its ALL your fault that the cows are getting extinct!
Me: but....
Bitch: NO! COW'S ARE GETTING EXTINCT AND ITS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!
Me: *thought* F U!

Moral of the story: NEVER argue with idiots.

I want more

2011-05-17T21:38:00.000+08:00

U see, my life's actually pretty boring.

When I was younger, I always dream about travelling around the world, and living in a bustling big metropolis.
Wearing couture clothes, walking down the lane with fashionable people along fashion boutiques. Oh, my dream house was kinda like, an apartment overseeing the city (probably on the 30th floor) with a huge glass window, decorated in a modern x classic theme.

and I'd love to dine in a fine dining restaurant (especially when I just watched Hell's Kitchen!). and I've always imagining me, playing in the snow, wearing lovely coats and boots. then meeting guys in romantic scenes like in the movies and all those ooey gooey love stories.

but now I'm stuck here. being bored. my dreams remained being dreams. reality sucks! I'm just a plain Jane. I do get self conscious and insecure sometimes. and of course, in those times, I'd envy people (e.g. Gossip Girls) and couldnt help but to wonder "if only I was like her"

and what should I do about that? I guess I need to manage my finance better. And I need to be more ambitious, and I need to further my studies. I must grow up more.

fragile people

2011-05-09T23:21:00.000+08:00

Life is so fragile... I just heard a news that a doctor (my senior from UNIMAS), has passed away. He drowned when he tried to save another drowning person at a waterfall. He was a nice guy, a really nice guy. I remembered him signing our logbooks when we're medical students. and we could just ask him about anything. even though I wasn't that close with him, it just feels kinda sad that someone you know, who's really nice, has passed away.

sometimes death scares me. like, how does the person feel? how do the people they left behind feel?

also, like the patients in the ward. accidents happened, even a small wound can get infected really bad, causing septic shock, and people can die from those little wounds. a guy got bitten by a rat, and his finger turned gangrene. a woman, pricked her finger with prawn head during washing prawn, got really bad infection. a small prick from fish bone, or a small insect bite would later cause abscesses and all the nasty stuff.

and those young patients who had really bad road traffic accidents, who suddenly just turned paraplegic and all that.

kinda makes me paranoid to be extra careful with every little trivia things. wallahualam.

folliculaphobia

2011-05-05T21:30:00.001+08:00

antagonism of folliculaphilia (A women who is only attracted to men with a mustache - How I Met Your Mother)

not really phobia of mustaches or anything, I just don't like men with facial hair, especially those crazy stuff. then again, as everything else, it all depends on the overall style and attitude i supposed :P

never a good morning!

2011-04-26T22:51:00.001+08:00

this morning I woke up, feeling miserable..then it got me to think,
whats making me feel this terrible? and I remembered that all the mornings since I've remembered pretty much sucks!

is it my job? do I really hate medicine? do I hate waking up alone in this huge house? do I hate this, do I hate that??

I'll seriously feel crappy, like my head is full with hatred for everything. I'd have to drag myself out of the bed. it will take a few hours for my brain to freshen up. I won't feel like talking to people, or people talking to me. the only mornings that I'd be happy to wake up to is when I have new clothes to wear, or when I've got my vacation trips.

then, the day will go by, I will feel better and better as the day goes by. then, I'll love my job, and everything seems much brighter.

so yeah, this kinda reminds me, I REALLY HAAAATE MORNINGS!!!

just an insight from news from the past

2011-04-25T20:55:00.000+08:00

okay, lemme just say this, I don't read the news much, or watch the news much. I don't know the details about whats going on, but seriously, the condition in Malaysia, seriously worrying me.

whats going on? with all the politicians bashing each other. and recently I heard that some of those politicians brought up the racism subject. in a multi-racial country, we should be tolerant, whats with 1 malaysia and all. I've never really disagree about 1Malaysia campaign, because for me its a good thing, but the some leaders don't really convey the message of the unity of the races! they're just SAYING "1Malaysia here, 1Malaysia there" but still badmouthing the other races.

and seriously, I don't know what got into the Malay extremists. well, I'm not Malay, but the Malays kinda symbolize the Muslims in Malaysia.*sigh* I'm so disappointed. because of some of those people, the image of the other Malays/Muslims in Malaysia are tarnished really bad. I don't know why they act without thinking. like the church bombing thing, the Allah name issue, the severed cow's head, and the Malay language Bible issue. like, wth? being the majority, it seems like those people are feeling selfish and really INTOLERANT of others. don't they know that if you respect others, people will respect you? and they keep on talking about tolerance here, tolerance there, but did they themselves look in the mirror and see if they're tolerance themselves? why in this era, people still think like Neanderthals? they disagree, they pick a fight. no rationals, no logics. I really hate it when they use religion as a cover, then people will think Islam is a violent religion and such, when in fact, they're just twisting and using the religions teaching for their own selfish needs!

I know when there's a difference, it will divide people, but really, where's the tolerance and unity of 1Malaysia?

oh, and it seems like the hottest and favorite scandal of the recent election is.... sex video scandals. just.... speechless.

I've been wanting to rant about this for so long! so yeah, I might have said the old outdated news, lol! but seriously, these things gotta stop. we should practice the tolerance that we've preached so much about. I don't understand why they wouldn't be grateful of the peaceful environment, and it seems like they just loooove to invite trouble. I'm grateful that I'm brought up in a multi racial and religious family, might have given me some perspective.

so yeah, I would hate to point fingers at others, or badmouthing them, because things have happened, and being all bitchy would make things worse. lets just learn from our mistakes, and just try to improve ourselves to be better people.

yup, thats all I'm saying.

the art of admonishment

2011-04-24T19:24:00.000+08:00

like seriously, where is your common sense?
or is it just a scheme for you to use me?
why does it seem like I have to state every single little thing for you to do? you're an adult, its your responsibility, why won't you do it, unless I tell you to?

like, I can't tell someone,

-hey, can you flush the toilet next time you use it?
-hey, can you wipe your own coffee stain next time? (like, omg, the stain's just 2 drops, and its not cleaned for like months! MONTHS i tell you! I was trying to observe if you're eventually gonna do it, but you didnt, so yeah, I became your stupid slave again, and wiped the fucking stain which took just a few seconds because i just couldnt stand the sight of those stains anymore!)
-hey, can you turn off the lights?
-hey, can you clean after yourself??

like, hello? its common sense! its SOOOO freakin' easy to just attack you about it, but I'm still thinking that in long-term, I don't want to feel awkward and uncomfortable seeing your face around. even though currently i feel rage and hatred.

i mean, I don't mind doing little things and i understand that you're busy.. but HECK, I'm busy too! but its no excuse to be dirty and well non-commansensely.

or maybe I was just overestimating the role of an adult, or common sense of a freaking human!
please just dont give me the reasons to be bitchy.. i just wanna be peaceful and happy, alright?
like, seriously, how do I say those things to a person? should I care to change someone's way of thinking? or should I just destroy the relationship with the ray of hatred and rage??

new life, old life?

2011-04-24T01:14:00.000+08:00

yup, sometimes i reminisce about my old, student life, where we all had fun and had so little responsibilities. looking back, I didn't even came to understanding what I've learned. maybe I wasn't such a good medical student. heck, I'm not that good of a houseman now. I really need to learn a LOT.

tho... I love my new life! I've begun to understand the clinical approach to patients...had my "oooh...so thats how it is" moments with medical knowledge. of course, practice is indeed the best way to increase your knowledge and experience.

although, the responsibility is soooo huge and heavy. all the decisions made will affect patients, bosses, co-workers, staffs, etc etc. sometimes I made the wrong decisions. I really dislike being wrong, well, who does? sometimes its the environment, the people? you cant please everyone and not everyone's your cup of tea. sometimes i do feel like running away, but I've sacrificed so much, I've survived so much. I'll just have to continue to improve myself. *please, dont be lazy!*

and I'm not really a people person, I guess. I have to take some time to know people and let them know me. sometimes yeah, i do feel lonely, because all my BFFs and my family are away. maybe people think I'm difficult? maybe I'm the one who distanced myself from other people? and sometimes I just like to be alone. god, I miss my BFFs and family who's always got me, who I can turn to and talk about anything, and trust them with everything! they're the catalysts for the ideal environment for me...

and people are always asking "when are you getting a boyfriend?", its really annoying. like its compulsory thing to have in life. i dont wanna search like im a desperate cat person. and mr. right is so hard to find nowadays, let alone in Miri hospital! so just let me be, ok?

oh, speaking of the past, just now, I went through my old photo albums...sometimes made me laugh so hard with the good memories..tho, some old clothes and crushes, made me think "omg, wth was i thinking??" its really weird that people just grow. I'm totally a different person now than when I was in high school.

anyways, I'm on my way to improve my quality of life right now, starting with some improvements to my new home..I got streamyx (yay!), and some other updates. I feel good about this new change~ ^_^

EOD calls

2011-04-17T22:59:00.000+08:00

I've been on EOD calls for like, a week!
I practically live in the hospital!
but, since its ortho on calls, its not really THAT busy, like, I still can survive~
but really, it gets really boring to just stay at hospital most of your time....huhu

an ACTION packed spy dream!

2011-04-07T00:07:00.001+08:00

okay, yesterday was my first active oncall in orthopaedics.

it went fine, like, I could sleep all night long! i kept on waking up once in a while because its still kinda weird for me..lol

so yeah, and I had this awesome dream, like I was a spy infiltrating a tall skyscraper of an evil company, kinda like Jennifer Garner in Alias! lol

and the exciting part was that, I was made! and everyone in the building was looking for me, wanting to stop me from getting out of the building! its rly exhilarating! like I had to run away (kinda like Angelina Jolie in Salt), climbing on ceilings, getting in and out of every crook and cranny in the building. also! I had to do camouflage and all to get away. its crazy!

and when I finally got to the parking lot, my car key didnt work coz other cars were beeping instead of my car (like its being tampered by the evil company!) and I kept on running, and people in black were at my heels, when a red sports car came and drifted right in front of me and I got in and the car successfully escaped from the evil building.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

there's no smell of bad luck

2011-04-03T23:12:00.000+08:00

"malang tidak berbau" (a malay proverb)

since I'm in ortho, we were dealing mostly with trauma, which were caused by accidents. kinda makes me think the human life is so fragile, and is hanging by a thread named fate.

the accidents ranging from ridiculous ones (like hitting a dog with his motorcycle, or falling off when climbing a toilet to catch a rat from a hole in the ceiling and hitting his arm on the ceramic water tank, which broke, then severed his muscles and tendons) to straight forward road traffic accidents

then, of course, the diabetic feet, gangrenous and full of pus, kinda makes you want to do better in life and avoid all the sweet stuff and exercise a little bit more. lol

so yeah, lets just be more careful on the road, and pleaaaase drive more slowly during rainy days, and please take care of your sugar level, because diabetic feet are really BAD!

ortho

2011-03-30T00:07:00.000+08:00

malas glr rasa mok update blog.

anyways, I'm in ortho now, dealing with fractures, pus and wounds.

the workload's quite light, coz there's only 1 ward and there are like 7 HOs, unlike when I was in Mat 1, alone and having like 30 patients in the ward.

but currently, I still have loaaads to learn, I'm still quite blank. boo hoo

ObGyn - Mukah - Ortho

2011-03-19T20:41:00.001+08:00

just got back from a 6-day-break from the hospital life. I went back home~ (but now I'm back again in Miri, so I'm totally sulking =.=)

anyways, end of O&G posting as a houseman in Miri Hospital! can't believe I survived the infamous supposedly worst posting ever...lol. anyways, recalling my times in O&G, it wasn't really that bad (it kinda is, actually :P), I hated the bad CTGs, and all the scary moments during our calls. I hated the every 2 days oncalls, I hated the fact that people wouldn't stop being pregnant or giving births, I hated the blood, liquor and all those stuff. but, along the way, I learnt, I'm always scared of things that I don't know. therefore, I hate being scared and not knowing what to do. so, all those negative feelings came from my own ignorance. soooo.... after a while, I learnt to manage things better and all that, then, I started to accept and sometimes enjoy the challenge.

and the experience with my colleagues...priceless. some gave me headaches, heartaches and killing intentions, but those experience help me build a better me. I learnt to know and manage everything by myself (because I couldn't trust some people), so its kinda fun going solo for a little while. but most of the time, I enjoyed the time working with my other colleagues, I didn't feel like doing a job. Its really fun~!

anyways, then I took my break, and went back to Mukah. its nice to be around my family after such a long stressful posting. and my niece, Aya, is such a cutie, even though most of the times she's really naughty and running around and all that. *sigh* I'm missing them already!

oh, news flash, mukah has its first traffic lights! XD

so yeah, despite the lack of shopping places (which are my energy source, lol), sometimes I enjoy the peace and quietness of Mukah. and I really love being with my family, yes, I'm such a mommy's girl :P

so yeah, tomorrow's I'm gonna start tagging at Orthopaedics posting. I hate changes, I hate the need to adapt to a new surrounding and stuff, but yeah, I'm feeling quite excited to see new stuff and all. I'm having all the mixed feelings, so yeah, I hope this week will be a-okay.

the first time I cut somebody

2011-03-10T19:13:00.001+08:00

“I'm Not a Cookie Cutter. I Cut the Cookies. And I'll Cut You.” -goth tyra

anyways, yesterday, I did my first Caesarean section. its a procedure housemen are encouraged to do while they're in ObGyn posting here in Miri Hospital. and of course, I wouldn't want to miss such a huge opportunities as such!

so yeah, yesterday I got my chance, so I did it under supervision of my MO. standing at the surgeon's side of the table, I kinda feel like a star, like the surgery is my first ever performance. I was sooo nervous before the op, and couldnt help thinking of the worst possible things. I know it sounds reaaaally dramatic, but yeah, its my first surgery, so its kinda a big deal for me :P

so yeah, I did it in like 55 minutes, with estimated blood loss of 400cc, which is pretty good for a first timer. and really, much thanks to my MO, Dr. Nazihah, who's really helpful in supervising me.

God, I'm sooo thankful to be given the chance to top-up my knowledge and experience. I so love myself right now. lol

I'm soooo drained!

2011-03-07T21:38:00.000+08:00

god, I'm sooo freaking tired. I've been having oncalls for every 2 days since forever. Like, I literally lives in the hospital, I practically had to buy a large size shower gel to last for a month. I had nightmares hearing CTGs and all. though, post calls gave me the vampire look, i could beat edward cullen for the dark eyes and the supposedly cool frown :P

anyways, its just REAALLY unbelievable that I'm going to finish O&G posting (I hope so, my specialist keep on postponing the assessment and its been driving me crazy!)

so yeah, I hope against all hope I'll pass the assessment! well, now I'll have to think about preparing a farewell party and speech~! :P

Langkawi belated update~

2011-02-24T21:21:00.000+08:00

so yeah, I just got back from Langkawi~ not really "just", I went to langkawi from 12-16 feb.
we had quite a terrible start, with the Bella Vista hotel receptionist, who said our booking was not valid bla bla bla, and made me and Amy waited for half a day in the lobby for a booking we couldnt cancel, and made us have bitch fits in a few more stupid occasions. and we noticed they treated overseas tourists waaaay better than us. like we're sooo not valuable and all. oh, and there was no irons in the room because they have an ironing room that hotel occupants had to go to, to iron their clothes. whats this? a boarding house or something?? Bella Vista hotel review: big time SUCKS!!

anywaaaays, enough of the bitchiness~
thanks to my BFFs, I had a really good time in Langkawi~ its the company that matters, right?
so yeah, we went to the historical sites (climbed like 600 steps up the Telaga Tujuh waterfall), the cable car and the hanging bridge (which has the awesomest sceneries of all!), went island hopping (parasailing rocks! and of course, the scenic lovely islands), and of course, as tourists, we had the license to shop for souvenirs~ and some duty-free chocs~ oh, I had my first spa experience. I have low pain tolerance, so for me, its quite excruciating at times, but yeah, its kinda cool. summary of our trip (taken from Mel's blog!):

personal and work

2011-02-11T21:20:00.000+08:00

its correlated, of course! like, duh, we're just human..

anyways, its been almost half a month in gynae ward. its quite more challenging than in maternity ward, where I can find more variety of cases in gynae ward. i guess i kinda like it.

and I had a kinda good call yesterday, so yeah, I'm happy

and I'm going to see my BFFs tomorrow, so I'm happy~

I feel like nothing can bring me down! :)

some people

2011-02-02T22:16:00.000+08:00

some people, they just rub you the wrong way

just by the way they speak, act, dress, look etc etc

man, sometimes i seriously think I'm somewhat an egomaniac bitch who just wants everything to go my way. and seriously, bad fashion sense really annoys me really bad!
hum...i dont really know who triggered my bitch switch. I was always nice and pleasant before, you know (:P)

anyways, everyone has their bitchy moments, lets just let me have mine this time.

thanks

byebye~

an update for the sake of filling my blog space

2011-01-31T23:31:00.000+08:00

2 months plus into ObGyn, I learned a lot!

from the medical stuff to the hospital politics stuff.

I guess I've grown into a different person? I think adaptation to the wild, dramatic environment is crucial.

But currently, we're short of HOs, so we have to go on call quite more frequent than usual. and the calls are usually REALLY tiring! I reaaaaaaaaallly can't wait to go for my leave soon! I need to get awaaaay from the hospital stuff, or else I'll go nuts, or I'll go shopping way too much.

anyways, as usual, my circadian cycle is already messed up, so I'm just gonna try to go to sleep now.
good night~~~

Cuci Mata with vampire diaries season 2

2011-01-16T23:18:00.000+08:00

Like seriously, no other drama series has hot people more than Vampire diaries
like, come on, stefan and damon are hot enough. and now a hot werewolf is in there too!
seriously, this show is ruining my expectations for other guys..haha!

hate IS toxic

2011-01-07T21:59:00.000+08:00

I'm so sick of men acting like little ~~boys~~ girls. like mean girls clawing with each other for the spot of the ring leader. like a bully who stole a girl's candy to show who's in charge of the playground.

I hate fools who talk oh-so-big, like they know everything when in fact they don't.

and chivalry's TOTALLY dead. true story: one fine day, a guy just asked me, "Liyana, did you BO in the toilet just now? because there are pieces of shit and its really disgusting!". Like, OH MY GOD! who in hell would ask somebody else that freaking question??

and I HATE it when people say threats to others. is it necessary? do you think you can get what you want with throwing threats around? its so disrespectful. and if you want respect, you need to respect others first, even if they're you're inferiors.

and I HATE when people use non-witty sarcastic remarks. like, hello, I welcome any sarcasm, just not those that sound nothing near something smart.

and I HATE it when someone just bitch way tooo much just about EVERYTHING. especially guys. emo guys who throw temper tantrums. they even bitch about bitching! thats how they love bitching!

oh, god! I'm soooo full of hate now. this is not good! I need a HUGE dose of retail therapy to kill all this hatred! like seriously! I'm going NUTS! NUTS I tell you!!!!

a messed up story

2011-01-03T20:59:00.000+08:00

story of a herd of big giant grizzly bears. their life is a mess. they like to mark their territories, showing others how strong they are. they love it when other bears fear them. they have mistaken fear for respect. and if they have ANY balls, they would not be such cowards to own up to their weaknesses, which is ironic, because they just loooove pointing out mistakes in others!

and in another village, lives some cicadas, huddling together in the summer. they love basking in the sun, and picking up insects and feasting on them. they love going to the gossip bar, where they gossip about other insects and their inferiority, because cicadas have really huge god complex.

and the tiny little insects scrambled around. their life a vicious cycle of depression. the puppet master sits back and enjoys the scenery because nothing makes it happier than others' misery. and none of those animals can get away from the iron grip of the puppet master.

well, life is cruel. we all need some entertainment to get away from it all. haha~

what's O&G to me?

2011-01-01T22:42:00.000+08:00

a cup of coffee.

a little but fab family vacation

2010-12-26T20:45:00.000+08:00

my family visited me here in Miri from 21st to 26th December, since its school holiday and I had a day off on Xmas.

anyway, its sooo much fun! a break from all the hospital and people giving birth and all, its such a relief! a day break really makes a lot of difference. plus, I got to spend time with my beloved family. best day off - ever!! plus, i learnt how to swim, and i was doing pretty good (i hope, lol), though my stamina's really toasted! i really need to work on that XD.

so yeah, its really sad that they're going home today! huhu.. but yeah, I had lotsa fun~ they remind me that I'm still alive! haha~

missing them SOOOO much rite now!! xoxo

fashion depression

2010-12-19T23:21:00.000+08:00

seriously, I think being around people with REAAAALLYYYY bad fashion sense can bring me down.

today, I went shopping with my friend, Yan.

of course, we cant help but to do some fashion critics (like, we're not the top fashionistas in wherever, at least we can dress pretty decently, i hope, lol)

we found a middle age lady, wearing an oversized light blue denim jacket with frays and patches of frayed colorful clothes on it. over a blue t-shirt and jeans, wearing gigantic hanging blue round plastic earrings. i nearly fainted.

then, another middle age lady, wearing a red long-sleeved t-shirt with some horizontal slashed cuts all along the sleeves. oh plus a black legging, with of course, shoes I'd never wear in a million years. i choked.

then, i saw a lady with practically no eyebrows, had her eyebrows made from tattoo (blue ink), with horrifying shape that looked reaaaally scary. i nearly puked.

then, later in the evening,

i saw a lady wearing black fingerless gloves (elbow-length), with black knee-length dress, plus i think the material is spandex.

then a young lady wearing a purple dress with a purple scarf and purple shoes (what was she thinking, wanting to turn into a walking bunch of grapes??)

and a lady wearing a short dress with a see-through black panty hose. not really a flattering sight!

and needless to say, the ill-fitting clothes (especially those plus-sized ladies) with all the bulges and unwanted sceneries.

and those bottom cracks and camel toes!!! bless my heart!

OMG, what is happening in this world?????

beauty sleep!

2010-12-03T06:30:00.002+08:00

i woke up early so decided still have some time to type.
btw, yesterday, i went back home after my oncall (the one I directly went to on call after my tagging!), I just collapsed on the bed (I wanted to take a nap and went out shopping later) but when I woke up, its 5.30 am already!!!!

but I feel sooo rejuvenated!
hoping today would be a good day~

XOXO

babies to mothers

2010-11-20T21:12:00.000+08:00

wow...unbelievable how time passes us!

I've finished my 4 months posting in paeds. Recalling back my first day of work....
I was soooo BLUR!
I was depressed
I was lonely
I hated kids
I hated the depressing working hours
I hated the hospital quarters
I hated getting lost in Miri all the time
I hated EVERYTHING!

then, I started adapting to the new environment. I've stopped bitching and all.
I made new friends, and I started enjoying the work (though of course, I've had the bad times)

so yeah, for what its worth, I WILL miss paeds!!

theeeeen.....I'm moving on to ObGyn!
I've ALWAYS hated that posting.
I'm dreading the moments..
I hope I'll survive my first day tomorrow! urgh

spinning all around me!

2010-11-08T23:32:00.000+08:00

gosh, there are loads of things happening in my life right now.

its unbelievable that its been like 3 months plus (I'm almost finishing paeds posting!) I've been here.

nobody would've believed that I could do loads of things that I couldn't or wouldn't do before, like:

1. sleeping anywhere, anyhow and anytime
(previously I couldn't sleep when sitting up, with noises, and with lights on! I previously needed the optimum place, time and condition to sleep!)

2. I could drink coffee now

3. I'm more dependent now

4. I can live alone now (like, previously I was never alone and I have my family and friends around me)

5. thanks to paeds posting, I can handle little kids now

and the sweetest change is:

I have my own income, I can spend my money as I like and I got to treat my beloved family :)

anyways, soon, I'll be joining ObGyn team (which is the posting I disliked the most!). I'll be leaving the comfort of familiarity in Paeds posting and I'm gonna enter a whole new wildlife and I need to change and adapt to the new environment.

oh, and I'm gonna have some kinda like my end of posting assessment, which is like a short case and some discussion. its pretty scary.

and I need to settle me moving into our new house. loads of packing and unpacking to do. and I cant wait to buy my own furnitures and all. I have some plans for my bedroom which I can't wait to execute, though I need to save loads of money and update its look little by little at a time.

anyways, wish me luck!

gimme a poisonous apple

2010-10-15T22:58:00.000+08:00

.....So I can be like Snow white and sleep all day long

seriously, I miss my sleep. I wanna update about my convo last time, but it kinda feels like its old news already.
we have lots of drama going on in the ward, but I'm just too tired to tell every details.
and I'm always jealous at the babies, they sleep really peacefully in the incubator and under the warmer!

anyway, I'll update this blog again later. I'm off to bed now. tomorrow will be work again. yeah, we work 7 days a week. its really tiring sometimes. I wish I could have McDreamy to stare at at work so it wouldn't be so boring and torturing..*sigh*

and the state of my room is enough to trigger a heart attack at the sight of it. and the mess in my room would make Christina Yang proud. and my car is like, totally white with dust and there are birds droppings and whatever disgusting things sticking to it...poor Venus!

anyway, yeah, lots of things to do but all I wanna do with my free time is shopping and sleeping.... so yeah, Good night!

a waste-of-time entry

2010-10-03T22:07:00.000+08:00

hi.. I've been putting off writing my blog for a quite some time. hum..nothing really much to tell.
i had a busy oncall last week. an A+E MO admitted a normal baby to the ward. and I really hate to be waken up for this. yeah, I'm still grumpy and cranky in the morning. I just couldn't help it. Most of the time, I'd plaster a smile on my face, do deep breathing and praying hard my temper would just melt away. I hate poor historians, like, in my opinion, you're the mother and you didnt know anything about the symptoms? yea, yea I know, not all people are observant, but I just honestly couldnt help it. I would really try my best not to raise my voice and to really control my temper. so far I succeeded most of the time to act really bright and shiny. I know people would accept me to be not to be short tempered because waking up in the middle of the night to see patients is what I do, its my life. but its still me, so yeah, I'm cranky when I'm groggy. so yeaaa... the down side of dealing with human.

anyway, the normal baby admitted on my oncall:

Me: ok, what made you come to the hospital?
Mom: oh, my baby has fast breathing.
Me (thinking: differential diagnosis=acute bronchiolitis, pneumonia, asthma etc etc): ok, for how long has she been having this?
Mom: for a week!
Me (thinking: fast breathing for a week and NOW you just brought her in? *grumpy +*): uh, ok..is she having any fever?
Mom: no
Me: any cough?
Mom: no
Me: um...so could you elaborate more on the fast breathing? like, is it affecting her sleep or activities?
Mom: oh, she has fast breathing when she was playing too much, and if she's asleep or stayed still, she breathes just fine
Me: .... (thinking: gosh, is it just me or did that sound totally normal? did i miss anything big?? *grumpy ++++++*)

on examination, the child was active and playful, and there was no respiratory distress and lungs were clear. I was baffled. like i didnt know what to give. so i just wrote vital sign monitoring and the conservative managements. i dunno...it made me kinda suspicious and paranoid, like was I wrong, did I do anything stupid, did I miss anything and all?

also, I've been posted to paeds 2 ward last week. most of the cases are neonatal jaundice, and some oxygen dependent babies who need constant monitoring, and other infectious disease that needed quaranteen.

most of the cases transferred to paeds 2 ward isn't so serious. but the tiring thing is, the mothers are almost all anxious to go home. of course they are, I would if I were them too. but seriously, asking for the serum bilirubin for like, every hour is so annoying. and the social problem thingy is such a pain in the ~~ass~~ neck! like this one mother who kept on asking me to discharge her because she has some post partum blues. and I kept on explaining that her baby is still jaundice and the bilirubin was still so high and it could affect the baby's brain etc etc. and I didnt have the power to discharge people and all. but they kept on pestering me and all. its really tiring.

yeah, dealing with people is not an easy job. sometimes I don't understand why they wouldn't understand, why they choose this or that, why they do this or that. guess they have their own reason and rationale that I might not understand because I'm not them. Sometimes I feel so lucky being myself. I would be really sad if I was born into someone who lives like 1000 miles away from civilization, taking care of 8 children where they all have malaria, who can't go fulfill their desires because they live just to fulfill their needs. Like they live just on survival instinct. they dont go shopping, they don't dress for the high of dressing, or couldn't tell the difference between maroon and mauve or checkers and plaids.

so yeah, being a doctor, it's really made me appreciate life more. i know this sounds a lot like a cliche crap, but yeah, I realize I'm quite lucky and yet I'm still a whiny little bitch. no I don't wear designer clothes, but I still love doing what I'm doing. though I'm really tempted to get those Prada stilettoes!!

urgh anyway! I'm rambling. even I dont understand what I'm typing about. blame sleep deprivation!
good night!

my 2 month anniversary~~

2010-09-23T22:50:00.000+08:00

21 september -> OMG, its been 2 months since I started housemanship @ paediatrics, Miri Hospital.
its quite a long time, right? I still feel quite new sometimes..hehe..time flies too fast!
anyways, looking back for the past 2 months, I know things had not been easy for me. I regretted going to Miri. Like, why did I choose Miri? my reason was, I wanted to explore new environment and kinda like a new beginning to me. turned out its not as easy as I thought. lots of adaptations and changes needed to be made, lots of stupid mistakes, lots of self-doubt and confidence-suicide, all in all, lots of bad memories (bad physically, emotionally and psychologically)

But, I guess, there were lots of good memories too. I had my stockholm syndrome and started enjoying work here. I still hate my mistakes, but I learnt to accept that as a new doctor, mistakes are part and parcel of the learning process, its unavoidable. I learnt team work and I learnt to kinda like kids.

So yeah, I'm quite ok now.

Oh, yesterday was my on call.. It was a pretty cold night, figuratively and literally. I had fun. hehe

A speck of dust in the ever expanding universe

2010-09-20T22:54:00.004+08:00

I've been having this weird feeling.

Like I'm strangely invisible
Like I'm unmemorable
Like I am an insignificant being
Like I don't matter
A nobody

Is it normal to feel like that sometimes?
Why is it so important to feel accepted/acknowledged/memorable?
When are we going to grow up from this childish high school social emo thingy?

God, I hate Monday blues.
and I'm really homesick.
and I hate my current house.
Blargh!

missing my hakuna matata

2010-09-17T22:24:00.007+08:00

I kinda love my job. its hard work, its responsibilities. i really hate to love it. but yeah, I do enjoy it sometimes.

though... I really miss my student life.

I really miss:

-the hakuna matata thingy, no responsibilities to other people's life. we presented the cases to our lecturers, we find out the data and knowledge for the sake of learning. we study for exams. the life of the patients were not in our hands at that moment.

-weekends! oh, I miss sleeping in, and wasting the weekend time relaxing and all!

-my friends! I miss going shopping, gossiping, movies, dining out etc etc. I miss having somebody really familiar. I miss somebody to whom I can talk freely just about anything and everything. somebody who share the inside jokes and who understands me.

-sports! I miss playing netball with my friends, and badminton. now I dont have the time and people to play with. yesterday I had a little jog and today my calf muscles hurt everytime I walk. I'm seriously going weak (and gaining weight! >.<) yep, I really miss those things. those precious things that I wouldn't be able to enjoy as much.

gosh! I miss those times! wish I could turn back time!!

anyways, I'm gonna be on call again tomorrow, so I need to go to sleep now. and I haven't packed my clothes for oncall tomorrow *sigh*

so yeah, good night~

Me in Wonderland

2010-09-16T18:07:00.003+08:00

I rly love this song, video and of course, the movie itself.
its something I'd listen to when I feel down and all, and it kinda makes me feel like nothing can bring me down...or something like that..

"Alice"

Tripping out
Spinning around
I'm underground, I fell down
I fell down

I'm freaking out
So where am I now?
Upside down
And I can't stop it now
It can't stop me now

I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop it?
I, I won't cry

I found myself in Wonderland
Get back on my feet again
Is this real?
Is this pretended?
I'll take a stand until the end

I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I'm falling hit the ground
I'll just turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I won't cry
I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I, I won't cry

back to work!!

2010-09-13T20:27:00.003+08:00

raya this year has been really precious to me! my soul is healed, my spirits lifted, my mind is at peace. balance is restored. hehe

I'm back in Miri now. I'm missing my family already! I treasure our raya memories, the time we spent, all the laughs and the squabbles. This year, we've gone to lots of places; Oya, Balingian, Dalat. and of course, our own kampung. so yeah, its a really nice but tiring experience.

the only missing piece is that my sister, Ida and my brother, Idos didn't join us as they're celebrating raya with their in-laws. miss you guys! and I terribly miss dear Aya-chan!

oh, I just wanna share. when we were driving to some place, I saw a little boy at the road side, throwing stones at passing cars. So, when he wanted to throw a stone at our car, I gave him the look. The you're-dead-to-me look. Yup, the look, with my heavily kohled eyes, I gave him the look. and the look on the boy's face after that, is priceless! haha! yep, he won't be throwing any stones to cars for the rest of his life! *gosh, I'm such a bully :P*

anyway, tomorrow I'm going back to work. with this happiness (I hope it'd stay and give me some armor for any negative aura in the ward!) I hope I'll have a good day tomorrow.

To my family, you guys are precioussss to me! so sorry if I had a bitch fit or whatever. you guys are my rock. you guys are the keeper of my sanity. I just can't exist or live without u guys! love u guys soooooooo much! xoxo

riang ria hari raya

2010-09-12T00:00:00.002+08:00

hi, i'm typing at my home in Mukah~ i've been at home for the past 4 days. Its been rly nice and peaceful for my soul! Even though the raya preparation time had been rly crazee buzee!!mom's rly merciless when it comes to the details. She's such a perfectionist. Anyway, being in the presence of my beloved family is rly healing for me.

Anyway! Since raya, I've been eating SO much! All the rendang, sate, ketupat, lemang, nasi himpit, curry etc etc! Plus the cakes n cookies n popias n kerepeks n dodols etc etc! They're soooo tempting. And i'm so weak. Guess i need to exercise more after this (haha!yea rite :P)

and, i've been meeting lots of near and far family members and all that. Oh yeah, the most fave part of hari raya is dressing up! Its SO fun!

Anyway, its been late, and i'm feeling rly tired from all the house-visiting n eating! Sooo, i just wanna wish, Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri to all Muslims and maaf zahir batin for everything I've done wrong. Have a marvellous raya to all!! Xoxo

(darn, haven't taken any family photo to post up here!)

Heal my heart

2010-09-07T00:02:00.003+08:00

I'm going home tomorrow! I really can't wait! I've missed home SOOOO freakin' much! I wanna feel alive and happy again! I wanna be fweeeeee~~ (vomit, pls!)

anyway, this few days have been going pretty well for me. though we had to endure the mental and psychological torture in the ward, I have some healer for my heart. and even though I really can't stand him, I can't help but to be impressed with his fashion sense. haha~ and I've met wani yesterday, and its a really nice feeling to have someone to talk to about anything. and just now, I went out with Yan, and we had a really awesome dinner buffet at Marriot Hotel, which was free because of something something (its nothing really, I'm just too lazy to explain). So yeah, we had fun. I ate a TON!

pls forgive the unawesomeness of my phone cam~

Then we went out shopping. found out there were gems here and there hidden beneath Bintang Mall's slums (no offense, but really, its really hard to shop here).

anyways, yeah, I'm feeling happy~~

another complaining and whining from truly moi~

2010-09-05T14:22:00.003+08:00

lol yeah, I've been complaining non freaking stop since forever (especially since I've started working actually :P)

I dunno, I still miss my BFFs, I miss my family so damn much. even though I've made new friends, I dunno, I'm kinda a bit of a social retard. I don't get close in a short time. But, I'm getting there, I guess. *sigh* I miss gossiping like nuts and going for a retail therapy with my friends. I miss feeling the rush and high of shopping that all the problems in the world just melt away and its just us and fashion unity in the moment, nothing else.

I dunno, I always doubt myself at the moment. I'm afraid of making mistakes, so I question myself a lot. its pathological. and I get the feeling that I couldn't do any damn thing right, no matter how much I try? or like, it doesn't matter that I do all the right things, one little mistake would just ruin me. I hate it so much. I know making mistakes is a step of a learning process. I know that since med school. Its just that sometimes I can accept my mistakes and all, sometimes they just get to me too much. I hate the fact that I've worn the same outfit over and over again for like, 1 month plus since I've been here. When I get depressed, I could wear the same outfit twice in a week. and if I wear the same outfit twice in a week, I'll spiral into deeper depression. Its one hell of a vicious cycle, I tell you. Heck, I am ruined.

I really can't wait to go back home for Raya. I want to feel human again!

Sucky Day

2010-08-31T23:53:00.002+08:00

hi hi..first of all, I'm unable to go to sleep, since I've slept from 11am to 5pm today. that sucks. I'm gonna need my sleep for a chaotic day tomorrow. Because I'm going to paeds medical ward.

aand, today's my postcall. oncall yesterday was really not peaceful. quite a lot of babies to resus and all that. freaking tiring. whats more, I'm oncall with him. gah! hate it so freaking much. didnt get much sleep last night.

and this morning, turned out I've made some big mistakes. tired + sleep deprived + feeling really bad for my mistakes = great depression. yup, I'm never able to do anything right. sucks!

and when I was sleeping away my depression, some dude I barely know, whom I asked for help one freaking time, decided to ask my number from my mom, and started texting me like I'm his good friend, asking me this and that. and people who really know me, knows how much I HATE being disturbed when I'm sleeping for stupid unnecessary little things by people I'm not so close with or people I don't really like. SUPER hate it! really fcuking hate it! like, get the message, idiot, if I replied "yes", "no", "ok", get the freaking idea that I'm not freaking interested. if I didn't reply, yes hell I'm not interested. really pissing me off that the dude didnt get it at all, I said I was sleeping and I was @ my postcall. and when I didn;t reply, he kept on asking, oh sorry, are u mad at me or something. fcuk. I dont even know you, and you obviously dunno who the hell I am. if im not replying then piss off. its not really rocket science. god! where are all these idiots coming from?? thats why I hate asking people for help, hate to be "in debt" to someone. especially idiots. urgh!

darn. really spoiling my post call break. anyway, just now went out with some doctors for dinner. thanks for the superb time. its fun, and really made my day better.

anyways, for what its worth, I hope tomorrow will be a better day. though I seriously doubt it. *serious negative black hole aura surrounding*

I ate kids for breakfast

2010-08-28T23:59:00.002+08:00

figuratively, of course!

Yup, I'm like a month plus already in the paeds department. I used to kinda dislike kids. ever since I could remember. I had tried liking them when I saw all females are like mandatorily born with a motherly instinct and I used to think all girls think kids are adorable. But yeah, I was tired from trying, and I had fully accepted the fact that I dont like kids. I think cats are cuter than kids. I hate it when they cry/scream/throw tantrums. I hate nappies, drool and vomit and all that. and I was scared to hold them because they look super fragile and I could drop them anytime.

but..now, I think I can somewhat accept that some babies are cute. I still think that their crying can drive anyone nuts though. But, being in paeds really teaches me how to be patient and observant (because kids cant really tell whats wrong with them). and I can hold a baby now, and all that. My respect to mothers, they're really superwomen to go through motherhood.

anyways, yeah, I'm starting to like some kids now, and paeds can be fun sometimes (maybe its just a Stockholm Syndrome for me :P). I love working in SCN. I'm a bit dreading the time when I'll be going to paeds medical ward next month..huhu

anyway, I should be getting some sleep now, sleep is to us like the Ring to gollum..haha~ yup, its precioussss~!! so yeah, nite2~

just a quick update

2010-08-22T23:51:00.003+08:00

just feeling like updating my blog since I havent posted anything for quite some time.

Ok, life now is quite ok i guess. still adapting to work, I can do more now and be more useful (lol). There are 3 new housemen in the ward. I have new friends. yay

I still need to shop and I need a shopping buddy. I blew off 2 chances of going out with my friends. 1. with wanie, when I overslept and missed it. and she's now off in Ulu Baram. huhu..
2. with mala, when I also overslept in the evening, and missed the dinner. she's now off to Sibu, she was just visiting Miri for a short while.

god, I hate myself! I miss my friends. *sob sob*

Can't wait for Kunnoe to come to Miri some time soon. and I cant wait for Sheareen to finish her tagging so we have more time, so we can go shopping!!!!

I really need to snap out from this depressed lonely feeling. I'll just have to take it positively, like, taking it as more quality time for myself and a peaceful relaxing time. I still miss my BFFs and my family.

Anyway, tomorrow's Monday, and you know what that means. friggin' Monday Blues. eh, do I really get Monday Blues? Its not like I have holidays on weekends now. everyday seems to be the same to me. theme of my life: supermassive black hole :P

I'm not crazy, I'm just a li'l unwell

2010-08-17T19:52:00.003+08:00

gosh, it feels really weird to be sick! I had a lovely start today, woke up feeling all fresh and happy (which is kinda rare because I really am not a morning person), then went to work.

Then it all started. Our body has ways to tell that there is something wrong with it. I started feeling all woozy and uneasy. I tried to brush it away, but it would just wont be turned off. like an alarm telling that something is terribly wrong. Then I had a weird sensation of discomfort around my stomach. then it turned to colicky pain. Then, I felt nauseated. Then I vomited out whatever the heck there was. blargh! I hate being sick. Then I felt like really sleepy and lazy, like my body screaming I NEED TO GO TO SLEEP NOOOW!

Hu.. I really dont wanna be sick at work. its different from college, where you can get MCs and just lie down on your bed whole day long. I just don't wanna be extended in my housemanship just because I'm sick. Hope I'll get better tonight!!!!

I love my pillows

2010-08-16T21:13:00.001+08:00

um...dunno what to write. today's quite a busy day. on call last night so-so. sooo freaking tired and getting really drowsy after quite a big dinner.

so yeah, off to bed! nite nite~

happy fasting~

2010-08-12T19:54:00.002+08:00

Happy Ramadhan to all Muslims! its 2nd of Ramadhan today. Gosh! I have tummy ache from over eating at break of fast just now! >.<

Anyway, I had my 2nd on call last tuesday. there were 10 patients coming in at that time. I was sleepless in Miri that night! its really tiring, and mind boggling. Like, after some time, my brain just got puzzled and mushed up and all confused. Its a little overwhelming, but I made it through, somehow. Then, after work, I went and bought some food, then ate my sungkey, and right after Isya' prayer, I crashed till morning.

I kinda thought it'd be tiring working as a doctor during the fasting month, but I think work is a good distraction from hunger. also, in SCN its always cold, so I think its kinda nice.

oh, also, there are 2 new taggers who just came in yesterday. gosh, I'd never wanted ever to remember the feeling of total cluelessness during that period!

oh, and I still hate how slow my brain works sometimes. like, when the specialist asked questions, it'd take some time for me to process, like, I know the answer, but urgh.. I hate my brain.

and, because of some unfortunate event, I had to prepare a presentation about acute glomerulonephritis tomorrow! urgh! If I present like shit, I'd might as well jump off the window! thats how I hate myself for screwing up too much!

anyway, I'd better get started on the presentation thingy. jaa~

NRP and farewell party

2010-08-09T17:34:00.003+08:00

We're doing our NRP for now (neonatal resuscitation program), this morning, we had theory exam (I hope I passed!), and the rest of the day, we had practical session with Dr. David. There are lots of steps in NRP, sometimes we stumbled here and there, but we're getting the hang of it, somehow. The practical thing was fun, it tickles the brain and all, and we laughed at each others' mistakes (in a good way, of course), and we learned lots. So, tomorrow we're gonna continue with intubation and medications used in NRP.

Also, we had a farewell party, as 2 of the housemen/housemans?? are leaving, Dr. Seelan and Dr. Lim. They've helped me a lot when I was still sooooo clueless!! anyway, they bought lots of food and drinks. unfortunately, some of us didnt know about this plan and only told after we had lunch, but I ate some donuts anyway, they're just SOOO yummy! I love donashi! the chocolate dip was heaven!! X3

and, I'm going oncall again tomorrow, so hope I can sleep well tonight~ jaa~

Damsel in Distress

2010-08-08T13:58:00.003+08:00

I used to love myself so much I have a tinge of narcissism. I used to have some self-confidence that keeps me going. I used to have the feelings that nothing can bring me down.

and right now, I'm just still doubting and hating myself so much. I've been trying so hard to survive this, to learn and all. I just keep on screwing up one after another. I'm tired of feeling so lonely even though I'm surrounded by people. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only stupid, useless someone here. I can't even remember the patients, I can't remember any freaking thing! And the thing I hate the most is, no matter how much I've achieved/learned, there's always something stupid I'd do, and my confidence would just crumble down like a house of cards.

I miss my BFFs, I miss my family, I miss going out and having fun, I miss laughing nonstop I don't have time to stop and breathe, I miss just feeling free and in control, I miss enjoying those tiny, little things in my life, I miss having shopping mates! now I just do everything on my own. and it feels really horrible. I feel like a lonely, desperate damsel in distress! they who understand me the most are all far, far away from here, and/or are too busy being doctors too.

I'm SOOOO freaking tired right now. I still have no idea what the hell am I doing. What am I supposed to do?

I love him, I love him not.

2010-08-05T22:11:00.003+08:00

SOURCE: http://doccartoon.blogspot.com/
THIS IS SOOOOO TRUE!!!

gosh! I hate this mixed feelings about work! its like being in love with a complicated guy XD

Oh, I'm gonna start oncall this Saturday. I'm feeling kinda anxious thinking about it. Like, how does it really feel? and dealing with patients as a first-line of management and all that. a new experience for me! exciting, but kinda nerve-wrecking at the same time.

And, sometimes I just can't help questioning, like its still really unbelievable that I'm a d-o-c-t-o-r. like, I've been a school/college student all my life! and now I'm a working person, a d-o-c-t-o-r! its still a weird feeling, I guess. Yeah, I'm having a bit of an adjustment disorder. Hope it wont last long, or it'd progress to depressive disorder or something :P

So yeah, I'm in love with this "guy". Sometimes, the challenges make me feel more alive, sometimes they just depress me. I guess its normal?? Gosh, I've been questioning and doubting myself since the 1st day. I hate this feeling of a low lifer, with low self-esteem and low self-confidence. I seriously need some new shoes/clothes to boost my self-esteem/self-confidence. SERIOUSLY!

Gosh, I've been a real freaking whiner ever since I started working!! hate this about myself! anyway, I really wanna enjoy my job as much as I can. I can do this! I still need some new shoes, but I can do this!! ^^

day 15 of housemanship

2010-08-04T23:42:00.002+08:00

omg, its like, half a month already! time flies so fast. it seems just yesterday that I walked into this hospital TOTALLY clueless just about EVERYTHING!

Anyway, I'm going back to special care nursery (SCN) starting today. This morning, I woke up and found out that I've been wearing the same shoes over these 15 days: a) white sneakers, b) white flat shoes, c) black & white shiny shoes, d) fugly flat black sandals. since I can't wear any heels, my options are limited. and I feel its kinda depressing! I need more shoes to match my clothes, more shoes makes me happy and more functional. oh btw, I need more work clothes too!

Damn! I wanna go shopping SO bad! Me needs Money!!

so yeah, anyway, my passion for medicine is recovering, though I still resent it sometimes. I now learn to accept my mistakes and learn from it. I dont wanna break down just because I did something wrong. I need to be stronger and tougher to deal with my mistakes and myself.

p.s. I still hate waking so early in the morning!

end of tagging

2010-08-03T23:56:00.003+08:00

Day 14 of tagging today. supposedly end of tagging days. assessment should be tomorrow or the day after.

How am I feeling? Hum.. still the same. Still trying my best for adaptation. Its a totally different world from the student life. Its work, its responsibility, its really heavy!

I'd probably start on call this Saturday. Hum... feeling kinda worried and scared. Its really a something new for me, and its a really huge responsibility. I really hope I can make it.. somehow.

Anyway, I've still got TONS to learn, so yeah, wish me luck!

Armor UP!

2010-07-29T23:20:00.002+08:00

Day 8 of tagging.

Today, I'm starting tagging at Paeds medical ward. *sigh* more new things to learn.
Adapting is HARD. starting something is hard. everything is hard before they become easy. so yeah, I'm going through a slow, and some painful process, but it is a learning process.

huu...I guess I'm just a spoiled brat. I usually get what I want. I've always got my friends and family's support, I've always got the time to do whatever the heck I want. and to be suddenly on my own and thrown into the wild, I'm just like the newborn baby that I've seen in the special nursery care (SCN). so yeah, I just have to adapt to this new wilderness! I'm trying as hard as I can to change and to improve. and not let the frustrations get to me too much. I've got to learn that mistakes are to be learned from. and I've learned to accept that I'm not that good, so I have to learn to be better and better. Its gonna be hard, not to get all depressed and angry and disappointed with myself, but I'll try my best not to be all negative.

of course, changing attitude isnt easy, but its necessary. I need to undergo evolution -> adapting to the new harsh environment. so yeah, *sighity sigh* hope tomorrow will be better~

Housemanship: I miss my LIFE!

2010-07-28T23:15:00.003+08:00

hum... adjustment disorder?

I just got back from tagging, day 7. gosh, why do I still feel SOOOO freaking' blur??
Sometimes I hate my life, sometimes I enjoy some things.

really, really having a love-hate relationship with doctor life.

I dunno where to start. urgh! I really don't know. sometimes I really like doing what i do. sometimes, it just feels like a burden to me, like I've lost the fire and passion for medicine. I feel like a zombie trotting around doing stuff. actually I'm still really clueless.

urgh... i dunno what to write, but my blog has been too empty and my heart too full with distress.

hum.. so yeah, my first posting - paeds, special care nursery (SCN) in Miri Hospital.
I'm the only girl HO for now, like the specialist said "rose between the thorns" huh.. and I'm actually quite a reserved person, I enjoy being with my closest circle of friends and didnt say much with strangers. so yeah, its quite awkward meeting new people and all. and its not really fun without another girl to talk about girl stuff and all. and as a new person, the adapting is really hard. these people know what, when, why, how, where they're doing. as for me, I dunno ANYTHING! I got lost some times because I have no sense of direction whatsoever, I dunno any patients, I cant remember the patients because they're all babies so they all look the same. and I'm quite bad in running maths through my head coz i usually scribble to solve maths (except for counting percentage in discount sales :P), and as paeds deal with a lot of maths, I'm quite a slow calculator. and my paeds knowledge...hmph! 2 months after my final professional exam, I just didnt study any medicine, so I felt really useless and inadequate now. oh and I also wondering if my brain's just too slow or my hearing's really bad because they all talk so fast!

so yeah, I'm tagging from 7am to 11pm weekdays and 7am-6pm weekends. really tiring and I SUPER hate waking up so early in the morning. *sigh sigh sigh*. I'm not a morning person, but I HAVE to smile at everyone in the ward *sigh again*,

and I miss my passion for fashion. now I only dress for the sake of dressing up now, I dont enjoy it anymore. I miss caring about color co-ordination, I miss having my accessories complete my outfit, I miss wearing pants to slim my legs (now I carry calculator, phone and a small book in my pocket -> super fattening but the heck i care), I care about the length of my pants to suit my heels, oooh... I miss wearing heels! I cant wear them anymore! *sob* I miss feeling the fun and the rush when my outfit completes my look. I miss putting on make-ups (I just dont have the time and the surgical mask would ruin them anyway). I dont moisturize anymore because I have to frequently wash my hands, overall, I just don't care how I look anymore, and its really bringing my already down self-esteem more down or downer is that even a word? i don't care.

and at 11 pm, i dont have the time to study because im too sleepy and all, so im becoming stupider and stupider and hating myself more and more.

anyway, i'm just in a state of blurness now. I just dont know. but I'm really thankful to have some nice HOs and MOs and specialists who've helped me a lot even though clearly I'm sooo inadequate. I'm a doctor. what?? am I really?? i dont feel like one because i just feel sooo freaking inadequate.

sometimes its fun
sometimes its not

god, gimme strength!

Induksi, oh, induksi!!

2010-07-09T12:39:00.005+08:00

urgh..I haven't updated this blog since forever!

RECENT UPDATE!
I JUST received my letter, the one informing me everything about my induction YESTERDAY! I just dunno how to describe my feelings at that time. the induction will be this coming Monday and the preparation was quite a lot (I needed to do my medical check-up, post some letter, fax something and prepare clothes for the event, book my tickets etc etc) so yeah, I'm SOOOO freaking tired right now, mentally and physically.

Also, the letter came in in such a short notice, I felt like I've been slapped in my face. Mixed feelings everywhere! Excited to start working, nervous and quite scared to start working, anxious to know where I'm gonna be sent for work and to know how to adapt in maybe new surroundings, sad to leave the comfort loving zone of my family and home, a bit heavy-hearted (berat hati) to leave the comforting familiar routine of about a couple of months, lazying around and eating, etc etc.

Anyway, most of the stuff have been settled, I'm just quite worried where I'm gonna be sent off for work. Near to home is a blessing, however I am, too, curious to explore new areas. And I've gotta pack lots of stuff.

hum.. I dunno, just hope for the best! I'm just gonna have fun and participate actively (I hope) in LDKs or whatever (sigh), and come what may, I'll have to face whatever it is.

angry.wrath.pissed

2010-06-16T00:38:00.002+08:00

warning: too angry to care about etiquette!

Lately I have been getting bouts of anger episodes here and there. I am a passive aggressive person. Why? because:

I hate being passive - I want my opinions heard and I want to make some change whenever I do/say things to people.
I also hate being aggressive - I SUPER hate the awkward moments that would happen between me and the confrontee, because most people just wont admit that they're fucking wrong and to say sorry. and the sickeningly sweet acts during the make-up moments. I'm just not build for all this.

I friggin' hate idiotic comments/acts, especially when people think I'm stupider than them. As a passive-aggressive person, I'd try my best to voice out my dissatisfaction through filtered comments or just subtle moves. Fucking idiots, they just couldnt pick up anything, and they wouldnt be able to reason anything. So, all I do most of the time is roll my eyes, or take deep breaths while cursing in my heart or putting on a fake polite smile.

All those things just bottled up in me, and whenever I'm alone/bored, all those fucking stupid comments or things people say/do just came back to me. I just cant help it. Very unfortunately, I'm very analytical in everything happening around me.

I fucking hate it when I did something wrong, and people just go "hey, dont do that, dont you know (terrible consequence this and terrible consequence that) would happen if you do that??! *bla bla bla nag nag nag*" and then when I voiced out my reasoning and I was well aware of what I was doing; and I had a reason behind my acts; I could accept its my fault if its really my fault, those people would reject all my reasoning and continued to nag nag nag like I'm a freakin' idiot! you idiot!

and dont you fucking say you dont understand me, because I'm fully aware of that. You are not me, therefore you'd never fully understand me. never. ever. ever. ever. ever. its a simple fact of life.

I really hate to be angry. Its eating me up from the inside. I hate to be bitter and miserable. Maybe I should be more assertive, but most people just couldn't take direct hit, I dunno, maybe idiots just can't reason with anything. or maybe I should learn to just let go. like, just let those idiots say whatever they wanna say, and I'll continue with my life (urgh, I hate my long-term memory!). or maybe I should get a punching bag as an anger outlet. or maybe I should indulge in happy cute things like rainbows, ponies and fairies.

oh, p.s. its funny at first but when it happens just too many times, I super hate it when people say, *shocked sneering face* WHAT? you're a doctor and you've got a cold??* I'd just laugh with them while saying in my heart, "I'm a doctor, I'm not god, you #$%^&*" (mom, you always say that whenever I'm sick, however, you're immune to my wrath, so its ok, mom~ I love you lots and you're my back bone, I just cant live without you!)

oh, since I'm letting it all out! to the woman sitting next to me on my flight back, I SUPER hate it when you talked NON-STOP to me, and eventhough I pretended to sleep just to avoid talking to you, you're just freakily staring at me the whole time and when I opened my eyes just a tiny bit, you'd noticed straightaway and you continued talking like crazy and its just hitting every nerves in my body, my blood was boiling like crazy and most of the time I just couldnt hear whatever the heck you're saying because I was just praying in my heart for the plane to land. and when the plane took off and tried to land, you said loudly that accidents happen and you told me gruesome details of plane accidents, its really freaking crazy to freak me out like that! I hate yooouuuu!!

huuuuuuuu....ok, I feel loads better now. I just cant keep all the feelings anymore. I must learn to let go.

from my little vacation

2010-06-13T11:48:00.005+08:00

Hi there! I miss blogging about every little thing! Too bad I have a slow connection at my home, so I'd rather spend time in front of my TV than in front of my laptop waiting for minutes for each web page to load.

Anywho.. I've just got back from my vacation with my BFFs. I went to the west malaysia for a week. we did loads of things.

First, I went to Johor Bahru, stayed at Mel's house. Then, went to Singapore for a day with a group of friends. we went there for a day. We went to Sentosa Island, and it was SOOO much fun. Though, the travelings and public transportations stuff were really tiring. We had to rush to catch all the buses and trains, its reaaally, really tiring. The Sentosa Island was fun! we chose the thrill package, where we did Luge, Skyride, Parajump, Megazip and watch some 4D movies. Parajump was the scariest thing I've ever tried! Its kinda like bungee jump, but you're not tied to your feet. The rope was attached to your back, and it was 5 storeys high, and then, you'd stand at the edge of the plank (this was the scariest part!), and take a leap and jump! its really crazy!

then, at JB, we went to the chocolate fair, where I went crazy and bought LOADS of chocs. Then, we went for movies and to Danga bay where we rode on the Pirate Ship.

Then, we went to Selangor, where we stayed at Amy's house. we went to Genting Highlands, but its raining, so we didnt get to play on many rides (cries!). then, the next day, went to Sunway Lagoon~ I'm lazy to tell all the details, but needless to say, its SUPER fun~

Then, I went home~ home sweet home~

a day in the BORED me!

2010-05-27T00:38:00.003+08:00

my daily schedule:

a.m:
1. sleep in till whenever I want
2. eat breakfast in front of TV
3. watch TV till my eyeballs go dry
4. play computer games if there's nothing nice on TV
5. eat snacks
6. oh, helped with laundry

afternoon
1. watch TV
2. play computer games
3. eat lunch while reading Harry Potter books
4. watch some more TV
5. nap

pm
1. watch TV (officially a couch potato)
2. eat snacks
3. spend time with family
4. eat dinner
5. stay up while watching whatever there is on the TV

so yeah, basically thats all I do. there's nothing to go out to in Mukah, with a slow internet connection, I've been feeling lazy to go online. also, only 5% of Mukah people have decent fashion sense. even I dont feel like coordinating much of my wardrobe. hum..kinda like showing Picasso paintings to cave men (lol, as if I'm such a masterpiece :P). anyway, yeah, its been really boring. everyone will be out to work or school during the day, leaving me quite alone in the house. however, having the luxury to just relax and spend some time with my family, its priceless~

Venus went to the car clinic

2010-05-20T09:59:00.003+08:00

For the last few days, my car, Venus had been sick! Whenever I brake, there's a screeeeeching sound, which was really loud and annoying.

So, I had to bring her to the Proton edar service center. So, I had to wake up early because my appointment was at 8am. I got there, talked to the person there about my complaints, and she said I had to wait. So, I waited... and waited... and waited! Then someone called me telling me that they had to replace "whatever" and "whatever" so it'd take a longer time and that I had to wait till noon! @.@ So, I read every newspapers they have there, every magazine, drank 3 cups of tea with a sandwich that they have prepared, and walked around looking at cars. Then I got really bored and sleepy I took a nap on the sofa!

So yeah, after 4 freaking hours waiting, I was told that Venus has undergone some operations and that she's safe now. Then, I was told again that they had to replace the brake drum and cylinder and started to explain stuff about the mechanism that sounded gibberish to me. lol

Anyway, anatomy of a brake! (yes, I'm super bored and I googled this)

This is the brake drum:

and this is the more detailed anatomy of the wheel cylinder:

credits: images taken from here

So yeap, glad that she's ok now~~~ ^^

moving melancholy

2010-05-18T22:21:00.004+08:00

After passing the exam and such, we've been really busy! needed to pay the college fee, fill in and pass up our Malaysian Medical Council (MMC) form (which needed to be certified and everything), then packing, sending off cars, saying farewells etc etc

Through these moments in this past few days, its really sad to be saying good bye to this place. Despite having some issues or grumblings, this place has been our shelter and there are lots and lots of fond memories.

I just can't help but think about:

1. The Past
Like, all the things we've gone through. The first year when I first came here, clueless and full of hope. Meeting new people, making new friends, going through classes and labs. Same goes to whe we're in 2nd year where we learned more about diseases and stuff.. and not forgetting our clinical year, we've been posted to lots of places; Sibu, Bintangor, Sarikei, Serian, we grumbled a bit for being sent off to those little places, but gosh, we've learned a LOT. and memories with my beloved bffs and housemates. and my AAAAWESOME batchmates. we've gone through a lot, I'm really thankful to meet all of them, and without them, I just wont be here as I am right now. I'll always remember you guys, and I love youuuu!!

2. The Present
Like, here I am sitting on my desk, that I've been using since forever. The place I study, or surf the web, or watch movies while eating, or play games, or read books/comics/magazine. Yeah, this desk has lots of memories. and my bed, I've been sleeping on it since I was first year! and my closet which is full of my lovely clothes and is soon gonna be empty. and all the place in my house, and my small beloved faculty. The familiarity and ease of this place is getting eerily comforting, it just feels like I'm gonna stay here forever. Like, I'm gonna get back from class in the evening, sit in front of my desk like I usually do. or watch TV with my housemates, or doing laundry etc etc. I feel that its really weird that I'm gonna leave all of this behind.

3. The Future
Like, we're moving on with our lives. What's gonna happen to all of us? Will we stay in touch? I know life for us is gonna get tough. But I know these people are strong and we're gonna make it...somehow :D. yes, whatever it is, we'll face it. come what may!

Gosh, I reaally, reaaaally HATE good byes. I'm gonna miss this place, the people and the time we've had here. See you soon in graduation~ (aim: lose weight :P)

Victory is sweet, darling~

2010-05-13T22:52:00.003+08:00

OMG! The last 2 weeks have been the most stressful period of my life ever. Let me guide you through my journey in the Final Professional Examination of UNIMAS medical school.

Theory exam 3rd, 4th and 5th May 2010
Sitting in the auditorium, feeling the vast space with arranged tables and chairs, stillness in the air with some injection of fear. I was feeling shaky and jittery sitting in the cold chair, butt freezing off, breath felt like ice, having palpitations while waiting for the time to begin writing. During the exams, feeling like the gears in your brain moving like nuts, battling the frostbite your brain got and fighting the adrenaline from the stress. Sometimes, I felt like my brain was not functioning properly, like in OSCE, when I forgot the name of Tenckhoff catheter and just realizing it at the rest station, urgh! really frustrating.

6th-10th May
AAAAAAAAAARGH!! stress all the time. feeling crazy and paranoid. I kept on asking "what if I dunno how to answer", "what if I didnt make it?", "what if I'm inadequate to be a doctor?" etc etc. and we kept on wondering what cases, which examiners we're gonna get. and really frustrating when I couldn't recall the things that I've read. Also increased in consumption of food due to stress :P

11th May
I couldn't sleep the day before, feeling crazy like I couldnt face the examiners etc etc. Then, for the short case, I got really nice set of examiners - Dr. Wong SY, a physician from SGH, Prof Hafiz, an orthopedic surgeon from UIA, and our new paediatrics lecturer. I got rheumatoid hands examination, a lipoma and atrial septal defect. I'm thankful that I got nice examiners and nice findings. though I did forgot some steps or said something gibberish, the examiners were really nice to help me through the exam.

12th May
Long case! the biggest contributor of marks for our clinical exam. since I've got medical, ortho and paeds for short case, I was gonna get either O&G or surgery. turned out I got a surgery case. the patient was a Bidayuh lady who couldnt speak any other language, and her husband was the main informer. since I couldnt speak Bidayuh, its really frustrating to get a complete history. and since my patient has a long history of the disease, its reaaally hard to get a full story. Embarrassingly, I got too frustrated because the history alone had taken too much time, so I cried when the nurse reminded me that 30 minutes had gone. 1-2 minutes wasted some more because some of the invigilators had to come in to calm me down. so, I wiped my tears and tried just as hard as I could to take as much history I could. the husband was pretty shocked to see me crying so he then, took his job seriously and started telling me everything. the presentation pretty good. though I stumbled on some words like "right colonic artery" or "chorioembryogenic antigen". gosh, so embarrassing when I realized that!

12th May 2010 (evening)
Dr. Azani, the exam coordinator gathered us all to announce some people who needed to take reassessment exams and told us that some of us didnt make it!!!!! omg! thats the scariest part ever! that night I couldnt sleep well.

today (13th May 2010)

(taken from Hen's blog)

OMG, SCARIEST day EVER! the ceremony started with our Dean's speech, it felt like forever before he started to announce the results. btw, the results were announced one by one and we had to go up the stage to take the unimas letter. its really nerve wrecking! praying like crazy for your name to be called. thinking of worst case scenarios, and our tears were so cheap.

and when my name was called, its just the most amazing feeling ever. I couldnt stop smiling all the way up the stage. some people cried when their names were called. those were tears of joy~ then, when all the results were announced, we scattered, hugging and crying with each other, congratulating the new doctors. the elated feeling was sooo good. felt like all the stress, all the hard work was so rewarding.

then, the fun part began, taking pics with all our beloved lecturers, examiners and comrades~ and then we ate.

and now, I'm sitting here, doing nothing. Feels kinda weird that all the games and movies looked so tempting when I was studying and yet now I felt lazy and they're not so interesting anymore.

Oh, btw, its a really weird and surreal feeling to know that now, you're a doctor. Doctor Liyana, Liyana Bujang M.D...

hm.. I could get use to this :P

I don't want to but I want it

2010-05-06T17:11:00.002+08:00

I don't wanna go to exams! but I need it to get my M.D.

I don't wanna go through it.

I want the time to go slower so I can postpone the stress or maybe gimme some more time to get ready (though the truth is, its too late now).

I want the time to go faster so I can get over this like ripping a bandage off a wound.

I'm scared. I'm not the smartest person here, I know that. I did some stupid mistakes in my previous theory exams. I don't have the confidence to say that I would get over this. Everything is gonna be determined in the clinical exam 30 minutes for 3 short cases, 1 hour and a half for long case. Those 2 hours would be the scariest and the most crucial moment in my life. Its make or break. Do or die. Its the end of a beginning and stepping stone for my future life!

I don't wanna extend for 6 months and go through all of this. If indeed I had to extend (God forbid), maybe its true that I'm inadequate and maybe it'd teach me to be a better doctor. I really don't know. As a human, we can plan and do whatever we can, but God works in the mysterious way, that's true.

Hakuna matata

2010-04-30T02:41:00.003+08:00

I really, really wish I could avoid this stress and just run away. The torture during peri-exam period is just SOOOO unbearable sometimes. Sometimes I day dream about running away to a stress free world, with no responsibility whatsoever, having fun, doing whatever the heck I would want, whenever I want without thinking of any consequences. Hakuna matata?

But then again, Simba had his own responsibility that he couldn't just ignore. Yup, I have the responsibility, for myself, my family, my country etc etc. Guess I should just try as hard as I can to prepare for the battle.

Man, I really hate myself right now =.=

Interview

2010-04-29T15:19:00.002+08:00

Today, we had the interview with SPA people. This is so far my 2nd interview. My first one was for substitute teacher. My dad was the Education Officer in Mukah, so he said my sister and I should just go for this interview just for practice. and boy, was I pretentious. On answering why do you wanna be a teacher, I started answering stuff, like oh, I love knowledge and spreading the knowledge. I would also like to provide the future generation with quality education so that there will be a better future or perhaps achieving world peace yada, yada, yada.. Oh well, its a good practice I guess.

Anyway, my interviewer today was Dato' Salim, he's a nice guy and made my interview really casual and calming. My session was less than 5 minutes, I think. At first, he greeted me first! So I went in with a smile and all, then he asked me about my exam, am I nervous about the exam and the interview. Oh, the interview started with Bahasa Malaysia, however, he kinda mixed it with English sometimes , like he asked me "awak nervous ke pasal exam?" I was like (having read some blog about previous interview about the interviewee was told not to use mixed language, I was a bit apprehensive) *...omg, how am I gonna answer this...*, then I just blurted out, "adalah sikit-sikit" XD Then he told me that I shouldn't be nervous too much, and gave me tips about reducing nervousness.

Then, he wanted to assess my English, so we proceeded the rest of the exam with just English. First, I was asked about what specialty that I'm interested in pursuing. Then, he asked me about what current issue that I'm interested in. So I answered about the H1N1 pandemic stuff. Other than that, just little questions asking my co-curriculum, my parents' jobs, etc. Then he continued with assuring me that I'd pass this interview and that now I just gotta concentrate on passing my final professional exam, and then, the end. I said thank you and felt glad its over now, and thankful that I had such a nice interviewer ^^

Smell of wine and cheap perfume

2010-04-29T00:54:00.004+08:00

I haven't watched Glee, but this song is amazing, and the lyric (Smell of wine and cheap perfume) was the one that caught my attention. Besides, the girl vocal's really amazing. Anyway, its kinda significant as in, its like the journey of my life. Beginning from "just a small town girl", now I'm here. Just this one biggest exam of my life which would decide my future. Really, really hope all of us can pass this. Don't stop believing!!

Oh, and tomorrow we're gonna have interviews with Suruhanjaya Perkhidmatan Awam (SPA). *sigh* Can't believe we have to look up political and organizational charts in amidst of our supermassive exam stress.

anytime, anywhere

2010-04-24T23:07:00.002+08:00

I was still having some shaken feelings, and sometimes I had flashbacks about the previous accident (call me melodramatic, but its my first car crash, so its a pretty huge thing to me), when I heard from facebook that one of my ex-schoolmate had gotten into a terrible accident. She's currently in comatose condition, she had a serious head injury after an accident. Though I was not so close to her previously, its still a terrible news. Accidents can happen just anytime, anywhere to any person without any rational reason. A little thing can lead to a catastrophic end. Or sometimes someone suffered a terrible crash but walk out of it with not even a scratch on them. Some people say its luck, some say its fate.

Anyway, people who lived, should move on and appreciate life more.

my first road traffic accident!!!

2010-04-22T23:04:00.003+08:00

Today's been a long, tiring day.. It all began when we planned to went out for sushi king bonanza today because its the last day of the promotion.

So, we went to Boulevard at around 4 pm. I was driving. it was just starting to rain very heavily at the time we entered boulevard. then, ate loads of sushi for like an hour. then went shopping a bit here and there.

then, we were going back. it was still raining even though not as heavy as before. Its just like any other after-rain weather, chilly and cool. we were planning on taking naps and all that. then, I drove up the flyover. I took the left lane as the car on the right side was going really slow. I remember glancing at the speedometer, and the needle was before 60 kmph. then! I saw a car lying in the middle of the road! the distance was quite far. I pressed the brake, however, my car skidded a bit and its not stopping at all. I remember crying out "omg, the brake's not working!!" and then Amy, Mel and I screamed as my car crashed into the car's back side. Its a really scary and terrifying feeling, watching with your eyes wide open as the crash happened. its like the second stopped and you're feeling helpless, like you can't do anything at all to prevent the crash and your body and mind just went paralyzed while your foot stepped on the brake as hard as you can.

I remember feeling my legs shaking like a huge glob of jelly, my hands trembling and my brain was just fried, I dunno what to do or whatever. and after the parasympathetic drive kicked in and calling my parents, I just burst into tears. I dunno, I was not feeling sad or anything, its just all the mixed up emotions -> fear, worry, not knowing, guilt, thankful etc etc just came crashing down on me.

apparently, my car was one of the 8 chained accident that happened at the flyover. sometimes I have regret, like why did I chose the left lane, why did I went to boulevard etc etc. But, overall, I'm just feeling really, really, REALLY grateful that Amy, Mel and I are safe without any scratch. and I'm really, really, REALLY thankful to Amy, Mel and Sarah for taking care of me and accompanying me through getting the police report done and getting my car into a workshop.

Oh, just wanna share my police report experience. 1st, came in and took the number. there was like, 8-10 people before my number. turned out each report took like 30-45 minutes to be done. so yeah, its reaaaally tiring and boring to wait there for our return. then when my number was called, had to tell all the story to a grumpy old policeman. printed out the report, then had to re-tell the story to a, i dunno, traffic investigator?, then, got a summon for the crash (damn!, its SO not my freaking fault!), then was told to make copies of my insurance and what was is? green paper? green card? oh well, its something green. and had to submit them to the police station and the work shop for insurance purposes. gosh! all the procedures are really really tiring. please drive carefully and pray that you won't ever get into an accident.

though, this experience really taught me that, malang tidak berbau, you wont see the crash until its head-on, anything can happen, and you just have to live more because anything unpredictable can happen just anytime and anywhere.

and thankfully I'm still here and I still have the opportunity to take my final exam and all. SOOOO have to pass!

oh, and I haven't really finished filling in the hospital allocation form. stress @.@

anyways, its really cliche-ish, but seriously, live your life a meaningful life!!!

level 6 ppl: poorly organized!!!!

2010-04-22T01:13:00.003+08:00

I'm not bitching purely on emotional level. this is true and rational. perhaps just a tad emotional too.

I don't know what the office people are thinking. Making us do all the resume and preparing for the SPA interview when the exam is just round the corner. everything is last minute. yes, the biggest exam in our life! and no there was no proper briefing or guidance on what we must do. and the MOST IMPORTANT part! no briefing yet for just the MOST IMPORTANT exam in our life when the exam is just like 10 days away!!

I'm so sick of those last minute craptitude!!!

also, we're supposed to pass up a form, its like an application form for hospital assignment as where we wanna work as a houseman. we're supposed to pass it up this Friday, and we just got the form this freaking evening! its like one of the biggest decision we've gotta make, and we're supposed to do it in like 2 days? there are lots of factors to be considered. and lots of the hospitals have no more vacancies.

unbelievable! there are too much things to handle and in stressful condition. i think they're so inconsiderate about how we're feelings.

and I don't really know which hospital I wanna work in in the future. I don't really want to work in Sibu or SGH, I've been there for so many years. I want a fresh start and a new surrounding and experience. I really don't know. and most importantly, I hope we all pass our exams!!!

The Last Stand

2010-04-15T12:55:00.006+08:00

Thank God that my friends and I have passed our last end of posting exams. Its been a morale boost for us, to make it through this study period. Now, it all depends on the FINAL PROFESSIONAL EXAM! Wishing all my batchmates good luck!!

this pic is taken when we're in our 3rd year in Sibu, when we're still beaming and shiny (haven't really known the hellish toughness of clinical stuff)! seems like forever ago! and god, I miss those pants!(RIP) huhu

Computerholic

2010-04-14T13:24:00.003+08:00

I cant study in front of my computer. I always wanna look at something, search for something, play games or whatever I do on my computer.

Have you ever felt you needed to Cut down on your computering?
Have people Annoyed you by criticizing your computering?
Have you ever felt Guilty about computering when you should be studying instead?
Have you ever felt you needed to turn on your computer (Eye-opener) the first thing in the morning?

yes, yes, yes and yes. guilty as charged!!!

bitchynonoi (serious warning: useless for reading)

2010-04-13T15:02:00.003+08:00

maybe I woke up at the wrong side of my bed, but seriously the fastest way to annoy me is using names like:

nonoicutie
sweetienonoi
prettyladynonoi
nonoismexy
glamorononoi
lovelynonoi

anything *name**insert-some-compliments-you-hope-in-your-wildest-dreams-people-will-give-you*

if anyone has read this, sorry for wasting your time :P
I'm sorry I'm bitchy, I need IV chocolates!!

Trinity Blood -watched!-

2010-04-09T09:03:00.004+08:00

Last night, I finished watching Trinity Blood. Its an anime about vampires. I love vampires~ Except Tw*light ones of course! (what a disgrace!) Anyway, more info:

Genres: adventure, drama, fantasy, horror, science fiction, supernatural

Themes: bishoujo, bishounen, post-apocalyptic, priests and priestesses, vampires

Age rating: Teenagers (May contain bloody violence, bad language, nudity)

Plot Summary: The background is in the distant future after the destruction brought about by Armageddon. The war between the vampires and the humans continue to persist. In order to protect the humans from the vampires, Vatican has to rely on other allies to counter the situation. The protagonist, a priest called Peter Abel Nightroad, travels through the countries as a representative for the Vaticans. However, he is also part of "Ax", a special operations group controlled by the Cardinal Catherina. His encounter with a young girl called Esther will determine the struggle and survival between the human race and the vampires.

Source

Spoiler alert:
In my opinion, the plot was kinda awesome. However, sometimes, there were some discontinuity between the story lines. Like, at the end of episode 10, Abel was struck by some Rosenkreuz Orden people, he collapsed and Lady Catherina cried over him. Suddenly in episode 11, Abel was seen well and cheery like nothing happened, and suddenly working with the Methuselah girl (btw, vampires are called Methuselah in this anime, and the name "vampires" is offensive to the vampires). And lots more discontinuity, I can't remember. They just made me wonder, how did it get here from there? What happened in between? Also, Abel and Cain's history were not fully told. And the ending? Its fully open, made me feel like I want some more explanations! Guess I have to read the manga to understand more. Oh, and Abel Nightroad reminds me a LOT of Vash Stampede from Trigun. Both are clumsy, funny and stupid in everyday life, however wields a great power. Anyway, overall, nice anime. I don't regret watching it ^^ Also, I learned how to say "idiot/stupid" in Roman = Dobitoc, Tampit, Prost! XD

Homesick!

2010-04-07T21:16:00.003+08:00

Damn I miss my family! My lovely home! My cats! Seriously, without them, I'd be nothing. We've been through ups and downs together, and they made us realize blood is indeed thicker than water!

my family during this year's raya

my crazee li'l sistas!!

my cute li'l niece and lovely sister~

my beloved siblings and niece

Love & miss them lots and lots!

Atsui desu yo~

2010-04-06T18:51:00.003+08:00

I seek peace from the heat in the darkness of night! Thank God
Yes, today's weather is pretty hot. I'm looking forward to some rain~

Also, I did a pretty bad seminar presentation today. No excuses, its all my fault, I suck.
Anyway, yes, I'm disappointed with myself, and I had given some time for me to mope around in the dark corner. However! I won't let the disappointment and self-criticizing get to me. I'll bounce back and try to be better and learn from my mistakessss. I hate to be negative, so I'm trying to re-focus my energy into a more positive side.

and finally, Lithium from Evanescence, because we're learning about Lithium toxicity this morning. btw, I'm not really sure how this song correlates with the real mood-stabilizer for patients with mania, Lithium. hum....maybe I'm not poetic enough? haha~

*really loves the black&white snowy scene and the submerged in black water thing XD*

2 birthdays, a $14 juice and the Titans

2010-04-05T00:04:00.006+08:00

hi hi..an update on my boring life~

FRIDAY: Good Friday holiday for our state. however, no holiday for us! group 2 had to go to Sentosa Hospital because we had a bst with Dr. Lau. and I had to present a case. oh, I forgot to mention, we had started the Psychiatric posting last week. and next week would be the last. yup, its just a mini posting, only 2 weeks. its driving us nuts! not enough time to study (plus my procrastinator side is at fault!). Anyway, good luck to all of us!

night: celebrated Sarah's birthday! at Heritage Garden. its a diner with buffet style. they have all raw stuff, meat, seafood, vegetable, anything! and we had to cook it over some soup and also on grilling pans. its a new dining experience for me. and we had chocolate cake for Sarah's birthday. and there were lots and lots of ice-cream on the dessert. we ate till we're freaking full! though, its the first time ever that I've drank a $14 juice! *ripoff!!!!!*
anyway, its the company that matters, so we had fun~~

SATURDAY: girls day out! went to watch Clash of the Titans.

Sam Worthington, as Perseus, is hot!. though, if i had to grade the movie, I think its around 6-7/10. guess I was expecting more fight scenes among the "titans". and like always, an epic movie would be compared to LOTR, so,
1. fight scenes (mostly only with Hades & his creatures, oh and the famous Perseus vs Medusa was pretty cool) half-a-check!
2. awesome mythical creatures (pegasus, kraken, scorpioch, medusa, witches) check!
3. story lines - so-so I guess, of course it couldnt beat the 3 hour each LOTR trilogy's awesome story line.
anyway, its cool. I love it. I love Greek/Roman mythology!

then went windows shopping for a little bit. then bought a present for gan's birthday.

SUNDAY: I slept in. played the Sims till 4am on saturday night. so I went to bed, woke up for Subuh prayer, then slept again until around 12 this morning @.@

night: celebrated Gan's birthday tonight! went to Sharing Planet. awesome food (though I couldn't finish my fish and chips coz I was feeling really full), so-so drinks (the portions were kinda too small and the taste a bit lacking), lovely oreo cheese cake and its fun! though, no one brought cameras coz everyone's expecting everyone else to bring their camera! *sigh*

anyways! tomorrow's Monday, exam's next week and I still have loads of psychiatry to read,

A smoker's regret

2010-03-20T23:09:00.003+08:00

no, I'm not a smoker.
though, I think I understand how its like when a smoker's been diagnosed with lung cancer.
I'd regret all the cigarettes I've been smoking. I'd ask how did I get here. I'd feel like if I could turn back time, I'd change something. what would happen if I did everything differently. and of course, time is running out. the feeling of impending DEATH! yup, that's regret all right. HUGE regret.

oh, dear, oh, dear God al-mighty, I really need a divine intervention to overcome all this. I feel like I'm not strong enough. I tried to summon my strength so, so many times. It's really hard to build up confidence and it just takes seconds to tear it down. Questioning and doubting myself, it's not really good for my self-esteem. Saying "don't know" is quite unacceptable in the medical world. everything leads to a question, a question would lead to another, everything has a reason behind it.

But, I don't know a lot of things, I am not perfect. And that's how the cookie crumbles.

*doesn't know what to think anymore!!!!*

Black & White college dinner last Sunday

2010-03-17T00:14:00.002+08:00

just an update about the annual college dinner we had last Sunday. I've been so lazy to update this blog lately!

anyway, its just AWESOME. some links from my lovely bff's blogs:
sarah's blog
mel's blog

The preparation was SOOO fun! We've been busy finding the right clothes, shoes, accessories, bags, etc etc. Its really fun. It brought passion to our shopping! So yeah, the most fun part was when we've got to put together every preparation in ourselves. I really love my outfit, its a full black skirt, with a white lolita blouse and a black corset. and since my blouse has already lotsa ruffles, I decided to top it all together with a simple lace-y scarf & tudung. Oh, also my black ankle boots with a simple clutch. Its me, and I felt so happy, even though breathing and eating was a bit hard with the corset on.

And its REALLY fun to see other people's outfits too, everyone looked so lovely that night. although some guys came in with just t-shirts *seriously!* also, the food was not really great (I only really live the dessert part), nevertheless, everyone had fun.

last but not least, we took LOTS of pics:

and lots more can be found on our FBs~